Working On My Body And Home

Here I sit, getting my carpets cleaned and new sofa delivered tomorrow- At least it will be new to me- it is about 2 years old and the owners have moved to North Carolina and do not want to move it down there. It will be the newest hand-me-down in terms of furniture that I have ever received. Bob gave me a sofa 5 years ago that was almost 20 years old when he moved to Texas. Everything from the first floor is in the garage except the really big heavy pieces of furniture.

Madison sort of moved out- I think she has as much stuff here in my house, (her former residence), as she does in her new home with Brian. I am enjoying being her storage unit.  ha ha. I have been going to the gym but not loosing weight yet.  In fact, on Wednesday of this week I came home from work certain that I was getting sick, my whole body hurt, I had a headache, I was tired and very achy. I took some cold medicine before going to bed which had some Tylenol in it and when I woke up, I felt OK-- as the day went on on Thursday I realized that I had been to the gym on Tuesday and must have over done it as my flu like symptoms were body aches- were likely really being sore from working out. My trainer there is having me do exercises that include my abs which I have never done before in all my thinner years and so I was really hurting but good on Wednesday and could not put two and two together until yesterday. Very amusing don't you think.

I have seen my Chemo doctor, Dr. Gor and she was pleased with my health and the result of my Mammogram. She was also impressed by how my skin looked on my left breast- many women end up on wrinkled and shrivels- like the outside of an orange , from Radiation, but I am still smooth and very little discoloration.  I will see her again in April and she gave me ok to get Shingles vaccine which my PCP wanted to make sure before I received it. I learned that my life insurance policy will end this spring and i really will not be able to renew it financially as it goes up every year no matter what by BIG increments so I am taking Maryann's advice and putting the premium in a saving account for Madison instead- there should be enough money to bury me or at least get rid of my body as I would like to donate organs that are useable and the rest can be a cadaver for medical schools.  As you all know, I am not very attached to my body- we have had a stressful relationship for many years now.  Ha ha ha  BUT thanks goodness I have one. Don't know what I would do without her!!! Got to run now, will talk more later. Love to you all

Well It Is Thanksgiving- A Wonderful American Tradition.

A year ago I learned I had Breast Cancer and now I am through that. Some remaining telltale signs have been left behind by my surgeon's scalpel and chemotherapy's hair curling effects.  I also take a new medication to suppress my estrogen production.

However, Breast Cancer will not be what I think of when I think of 2016. It is the year I turned 60 and went on a fabulous cruise with my daughter and her boyfriend Brian to 8 different islands in the Caribbean. It is the year that I brought school supplies to over 25 kids in St. Lucia with the help of my family and friends and Spencer Ambrose. It is the year that Madison moved to Philadelphia with Brian and their dog Mya into Grace Kelly's former catholic school which was converted into beautiful apartments in East Falls. It is the year that Craig got a cat after he dealt with the passing of his 2 dogs and Art had heart surgery and is now well and strong. Bari and Gary said so long to their eldest as she went off to college. This year, Michael ended his sentence and got to come home and Uncle David moved into a nursing home. It is the year that Rhona, Janet and I pretended to go hiking at Rickets Glen after driving on "Old Bernice Road" and "New Bernice Road". Also this year, Janet and I drove to Knoxville Tennessee to see Jackie and Jay and then stayed in luxury at the Homestead to soak in the Jefferson pools. Patrice and I shared cancer together along with the knowledge of just how big our hearts are to love each other forever and ever, not just as mature women but the goofy school girls we are at heart. My college girl friends and I renewed our love, acceptance and commitment to one another.  Harold became a grandfather as he prepares for his mother to turn 100 this year. The death of his nephew Matt will sting the most of all the horrendous events I experienced in my life. A new social worker was hired at NJISA and David Libon returned to us in the last 12 months. Emie and Dan moved to Maryland and became pregnant.  In 2016, Charlie found himself without a job and considered retiring prematurely. Our family continues to struggle with other issues and come through them stronger and wiser- some of us feel the fear and with effort, shake it off, some continue to grieve and others show empathy for how powerless we can sometimes be on life's stage. Yet, it is our gratitude that fills the air on a daily basis. I am blessed not to be left out or left alone. I am grateful that I finally know what love is and what matters most. 2016 is the year I am at peace with who I am and my life.  And I wish the same, if not better, for all of you.

Grateful

My sister Janet still gets a newspaper in paper format. I think mostly so Charlie can read the sports page in the comfort of his kitchen and still get excited when he reads something news worthy to share with her. What is great about that is I get the rest of the newspaper, sometimes even before they read it themselves- One might say that my sister and brother in law are buying me a daily newspaper. They actually do use that term you know. Whenever I walk into their house which is in my backyard, they will inform me that my newspaper was saved for me and is by the microwave.  Every Wednesday there is a section called "Style and Soul" and I get to read about weddings and new families. So today, I took notice of a special issue coming up for Thanksgiving. They asked readers to submit to them some of the little things in life they are grateful for and I wrote this: 

"After many years of disconnection, I am grateful for connection to myself and to others through the humanity of compassion. I am now certain that my life has meaning and I will never truly be alone. Courage has become my best friend. I can stand visible to all who care to see.  I learned how to let people touch my soul as I have touched theirs and the world is better off with me in it rather than not. I have accepted the gift of this life and all that it entails. I am pleased for that knowing and the comfort that it brings me everyday in the simplest of pleasures."

This last year has helped me hone in on the the simplest of truths which is; I am grateful for everything. 

No more should haves or if only, no more regrets or fears. No more wishes for what could have been but wasn't. No more sorrow for the tragedies I have experienced.  I love all that I have become and all who helped me become it. I am glad to know what shame is, what trauma and horror is, what fear is for I also know what joy is, strength, courage and wisdom too. I do not walk alone and because of that, others will not walk alone either. I will do all that I can to lend myself to others as they become willing to simply be who they are. And embrace themselves with unconditional love. 

Thank you for being my support and witness as I walk through life. Thank you for every kindness offered to me at my lowest points as well as my highest and everything in between. Thank you for all your listening for listening truly is love. And it is in that love, that I can happily rest.  No need to die before my time. Peace is with me in this lifetime because you have not let me be alone.  Thank you again and again. 

Good News- Life Is Delicious and I Want Another Bite!

Yesterday I went for my annual Mammogram and had it as "diagnostic" rather than routine so I waited for it to be read. Good news. ALL CLEAR. No signs of any questionable tissue. I was only a little uneasy through the experience. I really wanted them to squish my breasts as much as possible. How could there be anything wrong after just a few months of chemo and radiation--- right!?!?! It was 3-D type so I felt good about the results being reliable. My next one will be in April 2017.
So each physician involved with me will get a report. There are 5.  Dr. Wilson (radiation) Dr. Gor (chemo/medical) Dr. Gillum (surgeon) Dr. Leuzzi (primary) Dr. Steighner (Gyn).

Today I am getting ready for winter by putting heavier blankets on my bed, getting caught up on my bills, and taking a friend out to lunch today. Some of Janet's grandchildren will be in town. Rhona and hers will be visiting Janet's Sukkah, so it will give me a chance to get caught up with them. Another opportunity to experience all the delicious simple things in life. HooRay!!!

I started at the Virtua gym in their "Next Steps" program where you get to work with a personal trainer twice a week and can use their facilities as often as you would like. This program is a nominal charge so it was in my budget. I do not know if I will continue when done after the 8 weeks.  My trainer is Adam and he worked out a weight training and aerobatic program- starting off slow and will work my way up, as expected, my least favorite exercise is working my abs....... He first had me lay down on a bench near a railing and I immediately asked to move the bench away from the railing- he then showed me to another one that is in the back... from away from the illusion of falling. Thank goodness!! And I do not have to get up and down off the floor. What a relief. Getting up off the floor has become very awkward.

I want to thank all of you for being by my side throughout this last year. It has been great to reach out and talk to you. I will continue to write about different things that cross my mind and what is going on in my life from time to time, as I love to write. Thank you again for your loyalty and all your interest and love. It has meant the world to me. I never felt alone or lost.  All because of you. You are the BEST!

Going For An Anniversary- A Whole Year Without A Haricut

My first Chemotherapy treatment was 12-30-15.  My hair started to fall out 2 weeks later and then I got a buzz cut. Eventually I became bald. Since we are approaching November already, I have decided to go the distance. I do have choices, I can still gel it and keep the curls tighter or I can get it somewhat smooth on top with lots of fullness with some blow drying.  Either way, I get lots of compliments so it is not about what looks good or is considered attractive. I am just in a new relationship that was not planned or expected....... I am still in the getting to know you phase of this relationship.  I always loved my hair and I am sure I will love my new hair as well. However, it is a reminder of everything I went through.  It tells the tale of chemotherapy, that I had to have because of the stage of my breast cancer. It is in fact, very bittersweet.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

I went today to walk around Cooper River. My friend Karen had invited me.  Apparently she has been doing the walk for many years now.   Recently, she finished her 3rd round of treatment for breast cancer--- like #1 was back in the 90's and then #2 was in early 2001 and now #3 came again in 2014 - 2015-and I knew I wanted to get caught up with her so I went to the walk for Breast Cancer ----I really wanted to know first hand from her ..... what did she mean her 3rd treatment !?!?!?!?!?  She had sort of wrote it all in an email to me but I had a hard time following the story and it raised more questions for me then it answered.  So if I had to walk in order to talk, so be it.  Besides, I got to met her great and loving family and get some decent exercise.

I keep saying that Breast Cancer is NOT my thing, but today it was everyone's thing! I am certain that since many people like myself registered late or just showed up to support friends and family, there had to be over 3,000 walkers. They even closed off Park Blvd so people could walk in the street. Prior to the walk, they had collected  $182,219.46.     

EVERYONE was there!  

"There were long ones, tall ones, short ones, brown ones, 
Black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones, 
Out of the middle, came a Lady, 
She whispered in my ear, 
Something crazy, 
She said, 
Spill the wine and take that pearl 

I thought to myself, what could that mean?"

It means that everyone is affected by Breast Cancer. No one is exempt. Even men have breasts and get cancer in them. There was a tent just for "survivors" and plenty of snacks and water and items to buy.  The walk did me good. I was so pleased to see Karen and hear her whole story.  Left side, then years later, right side, more years later, back to left side again, now bye bye breasts, enough is enough. Hello reconstructed ones. 

And how life goes on.  

Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace

Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond says to Molly girl I like your faceAnd Molly says this as she takes him by the hand

Ob la di ob la da life goes on bra
La la how the life goes on
Ob la di ob la da life goes on bra
La la how the life goes on

Buys a twenty carat golden ring
Takes it back to Molly waiting at the door
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing
A home sweet home
With a couple of kids running in the yard
Of Desmond and Molly Jones
Desmond lets the children lend a hand
Molly stays at home and does her pretty face
And in the evening she still sings it with the band
A home sweet home
With a couple of kids running in the yard
Of Desmond and Molly Jones
Molly lets the children lend a hand
Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face
And in the evening he's a singer with the band

Desmond takes a trolley to the jeweler's store

In a couple of years they have built

Happy ever after in the market place

In a couple of years they have built

Happy ever after in the market place

And if you want some fun sing ob la di bla da

Staying In Touch

In November I will be seeing Dr. Gor, my medical oncologist.  I need to remember to ask her if I can have the shingle vaccine now that I am 60 and am ready for it. My PCP was reluctant to give it to me until Gor gives the okay.  I went to get my annual mammography and learned that I could not have it the evening that I went because now it is "diagnostic" which must be done when there is a radiologist in the house to review it while I wait. So I rescheduled for Friday October 28.

My hair is still growing in curly and I have not had a hair cut in 10 months- feels odd to me to not need a hair cut. I am using lots of gel or mouse on my hair to keep the curls tight and not puffy. But by the end of the day, my hair feels big  and looks like a carpet was placed on my head. One day, over a weekend, I want to try and blow dry it and see what it looks like.

My first week of cooking proved to be good enough but the 2 nd week went better. However I learned I make too much and some goes to waste. So I am going to try to make smaller batches. The pots and pans I have were a shower gift from Aunt Gertie back in 1983.  They seem to be in good shape and are stainless steel. I got rid of all my pans that were old with telfon on them.

The house feels some what strange now that Madison has been out for a month or 2 but yet I am comfortable here alone. I am ready to start to get rid of stuff- so much is sentimental but I need to start the process. I want Janet or Beth to do a garage sale in the spring so I can at least sell some of it. Madison hardly wants anything that belonged to the older generation. Her boy friend Brian really does not like antiques at all.  Oh well. Live and let live as they say.

My best friend from high school had her thyroid removed last week. It had cancer on it but all the lymph nodes were clean. She is recovering nicely thank goodness. She has always been an angel in my life. We appear to be very different in some ways but our love for one another is extremely strong. We are both good people down deep and that is what matters besides because we are both a little corny, we always have fun together and can laugh at each other's jokes. Over the years, just her presence gives me comfort. I count her among my blessings. I am so deeply happy to have my family and friends in my life. All of you have made a big difference. Just a phone call or a text message or a greeting card, feels like the hand of G-d touching me , reminding me that I am loved.  Thank you all so much.