Not So Charming Affterall

I have not gotten so sick that I can hardly move but I do have sores in my mouth, my throat hurts and I have diarrhea again. I sweat quickly and feel flushed. Tonight, after I went and  picked up the mouth solution, I had a long bath and ate some chicken; I fell asleep on the tiny couch while watching a marathon of "Say Yes To The Dress". It felt good- had taken some nausea medicine although I did not feel nausea; It calmed my cramping in my stomach. It felt good to rest. Ordinary things are sometimes a hardship- like folding clothes or emptying the car of bags from my day- had been to tax preparer today. Loosing money this year with Madison being older, no longer head of household and she no longer a college student, I actually owe Uncle Sam and Aunt New Jersey. Oh Well, I will change my deductions for next year now.

I am getting real tired of this crap. Went and saw RN at oncology. My white cell count was good enough not to get an antibiotic. The nurse kept saying to take anti-diarrhea medicine after each and every time I go to the bathroom. I feel like I am living on medication to manage side effects. I carry my little orange bag of RECUE medication with me wherever I go. My blood pressure was running low also. I get easily aggravated these days too. A perceived inconsideration can turn into a big deal for me. I get my feelings hurt. I want lots of consideration. I want love and caring more now than ever before. I want people to recognize how hard this is for me. Whether I push through or not, I am struggling each day to do ordinary things. Caren suggested I rest more- even take some time off from work to just hang at home. I will seriously consider it after last treatment. The immediate days after are not the awful ones; it is the following 5 or 6 days.

Actually my friends at the office have been wonderful to me. Not my colleagues, but the people who know and love me there, who work along my side. day in and day out, like all the office staff and medical assistants.  They take care of me and would do anything for me. I feel so cared for by them. Kathy  comes over and checks on me almost daily. Michelle is still making soup for me. Liz is adorable- she will go through her entire desk offering me stuff to comfort me and the truth is, her kindness is what makes a difference. They all know if when a patient cancels, to block out that time. I had to leave early this week and also refused to see a family when they were not ready to see me at their appointment time. I cannot handle BS as well as I used to before chemo- I just do not tolerate it anymore. 

I did think of something I am pleased about since I love the Spring and Summer, I am glad that if I have to go through this crap, at least it is the Winter. One of things I disliked about my clinical depression, it was summer and I could not enjoy any of it. Just laid on top of my bed, running channels night after night, waiting for a miracle to suddenly feel like my old self. Never happened.  So, I am not loosing a wonderful season to an awful treatment. I do not even feel bad about the Cancer in itself- It is the  type of treatment I am getting that I cannot stand. I do not like anything about chemotherapy. I dislike having a PORT. I hate the room where I sit to get the treatment. Chemo makes me sick no matter how I look at it. My mornings are slow as I wake without energy. Sometimes, I need to remind myself of what the breast surgeon, Dr. Diane Gillum, did say to me- Sometimes I think for just a moment that there was a mistake and I do not need this type of awful treatment.  It is almost like having the heart surgery back when I was 15- "Are you sure??? I feel fine. Did you get this right???" are my thoughts. 

Being without hair is not an issue. Madison even thinks I am cute with all my little matching hats now. I hate feeling sick though. I hate being weak and drained and sore in the tummy and bottom. OKAY-- I complained enough for today. Tomorrow I will have lunch with some friends and then rest some more.