Sometimes my life feels so strange. Clusters of chaotic energy come from nowhere- pushing me in all directions- leaving me gasping for down time to breathe. Little time for regaining balance between each hit. Thank goodness, my experience with rooms of recovery in Florida helped me learn to embrace the flow without needing to question why this or that. Trusting that it will all work out in the end. I only need to live one day at a time or even one minute at a time. That is what the last week or two has been like for me.
First, I attended Michael's memorial service and weeped for his agony. I let my desire to hold him and tell him that I loved him over take me. Just allowing myself to feel that deep hurt and loss, wanting to talk with him over a glass of wine....... moments shared kept flashing before me as I shuttered in the permanence of his life now being over.
Then my heater stopped working and I got estimates on replacing the system along with my air conditioner and hot water heater as my house is 35 years old. I had to resist pressure from different salesmen when I made my final choice to go with Elite owned by Eric Levy. I spent time and energy figuring out the best way to pay for all this considering that I have no savings and am still very much in credit card debt and also have monthly car payments until January 2018. Finally decided to do an 18 month low interest loan on my Discover card that I can pay back at $250 a month and be done in the nick of time.
Then there were several phone calls from people with loved ones that needed education and guidance regarding aging life choices. On top of that, another group of calls, emails and text messages came in from private clients who needed my input for decisions on how to handle challenges in their lives.
I also devoted time to reading and editing my section in Rachel's book that she is writing. In this book, as a call for action, she is committed to demonstrating the necessity of extensive research in brain health in order to provide better care for people with mental illness because it is not about them - it is about all of us- as innocent sufferers who often get lost and disappear due to the ignorance and neglect of our health care providers and system.
Getting to hot yoga, getting to my second job, meetings over lunch, straightening up the house so cleaners could work, coordinating installation of new HVAC system with my work hours, setting up routine oil change only to learn soon after my arrival, I absolutely needed 4 new tires and front brakes too. Use a loaner car and get to work. Perform at my regular job as a geriatric medical social worker on a dementia evaluation team at a local medical school which includes running a Huntington disease support group the first Wednesday evening of every month. Completing application to attend the Aging Life Association conference in San Antino the first week of May 2017 so I can visit with Rona too and celebrate Cinco de Mayo together in Texas! Make airline and hotel reservations and get it all approved in time for early registration. Choosing to help friends with rides home from hospital and baby sitting for an adolescent son with autism. These are the activities that have consumed my days and nights in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Trying to remember to send out birthday wishes to friends and family, all the while sticking to a diet plan, drinking plenty of water, taking my medication twice a day, got my blood work done. And oh yes, create a power point presentation ready for Monday to give at Lourdes hospital and prepare another one for the residents of Brookdale Voorhees on how to treat those less fortunate than oneself with kindness, after all, they live in the same community as the rest of you and deserve to be there without being bullied for being sick.
So you can imagine a few things about me now. I am not very good at staying in touch by telephone with friends although staying close to them matters a great deal to me. But above all else, I must have a healthy fully functional brain at all times, in order to maintain the high degree of performance that my life requires of me. I can never allow myself to become depressed again. Any disease developing in my brain will not allow me to do all that I do. I am blessed.
"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Aibileen Clark, The Help ~ Kathryn Stockett
