Okay Okay I get it- I am not dying.
I was
just expressing my emotions and where I am in my process. I have been
in other places than this during this experience and I am a very
emotional human being - things effect me deeply. My life seems short as
much of what I wanted to experience I have not done yet.... some of
those things seem important. Especially since I gave up so many others
things that I once wanted- I finally found a way to not suffer about
what I do not have in life by not wanting what I do not have. I used to
hope for a husband who loves me and whom I love, a life time partner or
a larger immediate family of my own, or enough money in the bank to
repair my home and cars, I have no new furniture- it is all
hand-me-downs. My appliances are as old as my home. - almost 35 years
old. I have to do it all by myself- it is hard to keep pushing through
it all including Cancer. The process has been long and I am tired of it.
For the last 20 plus years, my daughter came first- she needed my
energy and my resources to give her a head start in every way I could.
And when I look at her, I know I did right by her and hopefully she
won't be sitting one day in a therapist's office telling them how she
felt abandoned or smothered by her mother....that I was someone she
could go to for comfort no matter what. That I let her live her own life
and I always believed in her. It just took so much time, effort,
commitment, to accomplish that. I want time for me now.
I
also think some of this reflection is the aging process. I am looking
back over my life, even just the last 25 years and it has always been
hard. My breaks have only lasted a year or 2 but usually much less. I
was almost out of debt and then I went and purchased a new used car for
$10,000 which I am making payments on to 2 different sources over the
next 2 years. My others cars are over 14 years old and I needed a newer
car. I feel so squeezed to just live my life and now Cancer. I am the
happiest person I know who lives a life with struggles. I promise I will
be okay again soon. Just let me have my sadness and my thoughts for
now.
