I do remember the days when I could hike and lift my legs high without moaning and groaning. I remember getting off the couch with ease too. And the body that wears my anger is still able to function pretty well even with all the insults I have thrown at it. My blood pressure is normal and my cholesterol levels are manageable with medication just 3 times a week. I fall asleep and stay asleep easily and my skin is still soft and smooth. My lungs and heart are strong. My kidneys and bladder function as they should. My hair is shinny and strong with only a small amount of gray. My hearing and vision work very well too. My energy level is excellent - enough to keep up the demands of 2 jobs. And my brain is still sharp and demonstrates its neuro-plasticity almost daily. A BIG Thank you goes to Dr. Marian Diamond. (What a brain, what a life: Marian Diamond, neuroplasticity pioneer, dies at 90, August 3, 2017)
I was watching myself suffer at my own hands for a very long time. I experienced the anguish of eating for comfort and found misery each and every time - just like every other addiction.
Emotionally I have fortified myself with a mantra- "I am all I need to be" and for my body I will have another mantra- "I am strong, flexible and centered. My creator has given me a gift of a healthy body and I will honor that gift as I honor myself. I will let myself feel loved today by the Lord and of myself. My love is visible by the way I care for myself, inside and out. "
You know, body care is a pretty big job as an American woman. We all brush our teeth and floss in between and take routine showers. But then there is the moisturizers for my face, morning and evening, and the lotion for my body and the scrub for my skin and the body butter for my feet. Shampoo and conditioner for my hair. I pluck my eyebrows and shave as need here and there. I trim my nose hair. I remove blackheads and pimples, keep my nails clean and polish them too. I keep up with regular visits to doctors, eyes, ears, throat, dentist, primary care, gynecologist, now breast surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, Bi-annual mammography, colonoscopy every 5 years. Get 8 hours of sleep. Drink 80 to 100 ounces of water daily. Eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Eat lean protein and plenty of healthy greens. Avoid all fried foods, starchy vegetables and fruits high in sugar. No sugar at all and only ingest healthy fats. Take all medication and vitamins in a timely manner as prescribed. I practice mindfulness and get monthly massages for relaxation. Wash hands every time I touch my nose or something else dirty like a doorknob, trash can or the newspaper. And I need to move so I found that I like yoga and dance so I do that as often as I can. There! I have it now!
I now will respect my biggest trigger of all which is abandonment. When someone closes me out of a conversation, when I need to continue it to accomplish a mutual understanding, I feel tortured endlessly. Many bad experiences I had in a relationships was when I could not talk to the other person about what I felt until there was recognition of my experience. When I feel shut out, I go nuts. It is a feeling like I don't matter that drives me to eat like there is no tomorrow. I end up believing that I am unloved for I am certain that anyone who loves me would be motivated to listen until they get me right ?!?! I need understanding and if I don't get it, I will punish and destroy myself over and over, again and again, until I surrender. I basically dig a very big hole for myself, fall in and then hide. That is the behavior I am giving up now.... as I dig myself back out for the last time.
I am worthy
I will give myself the life I deserve
I am strong, flexible and centered
I am kind, loving and beautiful
I will let myself feel loved today
I honor my creator my accepting these gifts
My wisdom is the heart of all my experiences and it serves me well
I am all I need to be
