It approaching 2 am and I just woke up after falling asleep on the living room sofa. I am not looking forward to getting more chemotherapy- This type of therapy sounds like it is poorly named. When I was in group therapy, I used to look forward to attending group. It was exciting and I was growing. This, not so much. I really like feeling well. I do not like feeling impaired. This makes me sick. How can something that makes me ill be called therapy? Whose idea was that? It does not feel like I am being made to feel "well". Nothing about it feels "well". I totally gets that somehow it works. But THERAPY?
Even when I went to 12 steps meetings back in the 80's, I knew I was unhealthy- working on getting "well" or "healthy". I was riding myself of dysfunctional behavior, giving myself a chance for new experiences that challenged old beliefs, and changing the way I felt about myself. I guess I was also very actively involved. This is more like submitting to really bad sex that I just need to get over with. Somehow I need to force myself to go through it. I won't enjoy it but it is necessary. Yep That is how I will approach it. Unfortunately, I have had too many incidents when I did not want to have sex but felt coerced into it. There was no way out other than to give in. Wow- it feels good to have a way to relate to this experience- Sorry if this is "TMI" for most of you. Friday at 2 pm, I will be forced to do something I do not want to do but it is the only way to achieve what I want in the bigger picture so I will put up with something very unpleasant. I will submit to treatment. Just let them do it to me. Like all of my other forced experiences, this too, one day, will be a distant memory, that will make me very sad when I think about it.
Yes, I am just sad. Not sorry for myself at all. No pity here. Just sad that I need to have this experience that is so unpleasant. I wanted to stop pain and suffering from being in my life.
OKAY-this really is not that. After all, my heart is not broken. I understand what is happening to me. This has a greater purpose. I am just so sad. There is a part of me wondering ...... I could use less wisdom in my life and be a little happier. I do not want to grow anymore through these type of experiences. I don't do this well anymore. My soul wants none of this. It is not what I wished for in my life. I only wished for PEACE.
In my surrender, there is sadness with peace. Maybe this is how Jesus felt when he was walking to to his death on the cross. Accepting that his destiny was beyond his control and that his path was chosen for him. Except I do bear some responsibility. I have chosen to remain obese these last few years. I did not know that meant that I would get breast cancer though. Isn't being fat punishment enough.
I am not a fighter. I am not brave. I am not being courageous. I am just willing to accept God's will for me. I am sad for all my hardships. For never having a life partner. For loosing my mother at the age of 12. For loosing my father soon afterwards. For being abandoned by Iris and later Nancy Jewell. For loosing Eleanor and the Abdellah family. For Phil's addiction and how it tormented us both and robbed us of a family life. For having to leave South Florida the way I did for Madison's safety and welfare. For breaking his heart as well as my own in doing so. So many hardships. So many looses. For falling inlove when he was not ready for me and to be rejected and left unseen. And the grand daddy of them all, for my major clinical depression, where existing became unbearable. And walking away was so brave. Fleeing Florida with my child was courageous. Taking 45 pills felt courageous. This chemotherapy treatment is a hardship and I am just sad.
