Well everyone- I gave up my initial plan- which was not to have my breast cancer become part of my life and change the trajectory of it. My original plan was just to be someone who had breast cancer once. Now I have learned that is unlikely to be the case. It will remain in my thoughts for the rest of my life, not to be stored in a remote area of my brain but to be included in my daily consciousness. In addition, I will need to behave in ways to prevent a reoccurrence. I will need to submit to routine monitoring. Breast cancer has changed me and my life and not necessarily for the better. I certainly am sadder, being more aware of the shortness of my life and the days that move swiftly by. As I look at each and every person that matters, I see them fading and moving forward without me. I have a new disconnection from others and the experience of living. Cancer has pulled me to a new place which I truly do not care for - it can be excruciating to see how temporary everything including myself really is. I find myself looking forward less and when I do, there is a dread rather than the enthusiasm I once was well known for in my spirit. Cancer makes looking ahead full of uncertainty. My body is healing and my spirit is sinking. I find myself wanting to disengage. Not outwardly, just privately. I am letting go of my dreams again and again. Dreams of more travel, dreams of being in a slimmer stronger body, of attending all the workshops and seminars that interest me and to hear speakers knowledgeable about all the things that fascinate me and hopes of reading all the books I wish to read. I am grieving my hope of finding and belonging to a community of like minded individuals. I am letting go of aging....... of having my "golden years" of freedom and independence.
I feel as if my whole life has been a struggle between my hopes and dreams and defeat. With each defeat, I have risen to create new dreams. This time, it feels hopeless. I have no more plans. I cannot retired for 5 years and 5 years is exactly the window cancer has given me to be closely watched for a reoccurrence. As much as I love my work and job, it drains me and leaves me little time and energy for all my other passions- like writing a book or 2, creating opportunities for public speaking, traveling to National Parks, visiting all the people that matter to me. I want to live long enough to down size and get rid of my possessions that no longer serve me. I want to shop with my daughter for her wedding dress and walk her down the aisle. I can't count on anything anymore. Cancer has thrown me back to a time in my life where I was uncomfortable and the only way I managed emotionally was to live one day at a time. Although I definitely know how to do that, I do not like the anxiety that makes it so necessary. If I am to be a survivor, it will not be a survivor of cancer, but a survivor of the anxiety that it is wrapped in. Anxiety is my poison. It was the root of my deep clinical major depression 9 years ago. Anxiety undoes me. I function like I always do but with a heavy heart now. When I got sick before I was looking for answers to an issue. Now, there is no need to think because the outcome is not something I can fiqure out. This is living in the unknown. Nothing is certain. Although that might be a truth for everyone, it is not a thought that most people pay attention to on a frequent basis. My current treatment regime does not allow me to escape it. Cream on my skin twice a day. Five days a week I disrobe and lie down under a machine zapping the left side of my chest. My head still looks different with outwards signs of being treated for cancer, which allows strangers to approach me and tell me how they were once where I am today..... reminding me that I have cancer while I am eating my dinner out with friends or standing in a grocery store line. "Please don't" I want to say- I really do not need to be reminded even by your success story. I prefer to escape that information as often as possible, especially right now.
I do want to thank you all of you for reading and listening. Those who know me well, know how hard my life has been with lost families, lost dreams and lost loved ones. My losses have all been tough. And you have made them bearable with your love and acceptance. Your gift is in sight. And it will keep me from deep suffering......... your love is a cushion to rest my soul upon as uncertainty surrounds me.
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