It has been an exciting, busy and tiring week. Without the 20 pound weight loss I have done since Thanskgiving, I do not know if I would have ventured out into the crowd and challenged the steps on the speedline to attend the Eagles Super Bowl Victory parade.
As most of you know- I have turned a corner with a weight loss program. The readings I have been doing, the programs I have tired, and the consistent attendance at hot yoga, all lead me to where I am today- I had to face the truth that was so hard to face. Food had become my crutch and comfort and I was too afraid to let it go completely. I had depended on it for such a long time for my needs to be met, I was not sure if I could manage without it. My current program has allowed me to find my way out of the bind. An unhealthy part of me is dying and the healthier part of me is growing- The unhealthy part of me has with been with me since childhood. Kind of like my own version of "old faithful". Although it no longer serves me, I was terrified of living without it. Without parents I could depend on for comfort and soothing, food became my substitute. Particularly sugary foods but mostly high carbohydrate foods, like hoagies, chips, pretzels, breads, waffles, biscuits.... you get the idea I am sure.
This has been a very long process. I have been wanting to be normal body size again for several years now. I even went to outpatient therapy at Renfrew for eating disorders but they were not helpful because they only focused on behavior modification, not emotional reasons for destructive connections with food. I could not be mean to myself like I had in the past and starve by counting calories, keeping between 1100 and 1200. I tried a shake program like Isagenix but it did not fit into my lifestyle with so much drinking rather than eating food. I needed to be able to eat in the car as I go from one job in Stratford to another in Cherry Hill about 3 times a week. OPTAVIA never allows me to get hungry as I eat 5 - 6 times a day (every 2-3 hours) and one lean and green large meal a day. There is an incredible amount of variety in food selections and many are great tasting bars that I can easily carry with me. During the day at the parade, I ate 3 times which they call fuelings.
The one consistent piece of my experience over the last 4 or 5 years has been Voorhees Hot Yoga. It took me to a place I never expected nor could have imagined. I had spent much of my early life totally disconnected so I barely had feelings or self awareness. As I started to heal from my early trauma, I came back into myself but still felt challenged by my body. I often resented it because it had desires that took me to dangerous places one way or another. In hot yoga I discovered what my body could and could not do. I learned how to accept it where it was and not compare or compete with others. I saw it's willingness to improve slowly over time if I was willing to be kind and patient with it. I came to believe that we could be friends, my body and I; and I began to listen and honor what I heard. For the first time, I was in a meaningful and loving relationship with my body and I started to feel at home like I had not ever felt before. I had discovered that the Lord loved me back before I was married to Phil, Through his addiction, I found my way to 12 step programs that provided me with a way to turn my life around after believing in a higher power. I knew that I had abused the Lord's gift of good health and was indifferent at best at caring for my body.
You see, in the type of yoga I practice (Bikram), it is the same 26 poses each and every time I attend class no matter who the teacher is. With that kind of repetition, I was watching and experiencing my body change right before my eyes. If for some chance I would miss an improvement, one of the teachers would usually point it out to me. I interpreted that to mean that my body wanted to be healthier, stronger, and more flexible and I could chose to cooperate with it now- we could become best buds! I decided to let myself fall in love with my body. Through that experience, I developed the courage to keep trying to lose weight rather than to give up. I was determined to get out of my own way one way or another. I knew my body and I were finally on the same team. Bikram Hot Yoga gave me the one thing I was lacking for the last several years, and that was HOPE. Not all was lost. All around me at class are others, healing from sport injures, accidents, surgeries etc....
I learned that it is not too late to have my health. And I am a much harder worker than I once believed myself to be. I will do whatever I need to to give myself the life I am worthy of having. I will read, pray, learn, attend, call, travel, reach out, sign up, spend money, get up early, go when tired, slip away and push forward again........ Hey, maybe that is why I like the EAGLES so much. I am just like them. 2018 is going to be MY year too. I am winning my own Super Bowl. I am my own Champion.
