I could learn to hate chemotherapy, besides I still have hairy legs. What is up with that? I was counting on having smooth legs without shaving because I gave up shaving several years ago. I got lots of random hairs on my head too and still have my eyebrows which is quite lovely.
It is going to be hard walking into chemo on Friday. It is like asking to be made sick. Not really what I had in mind. I learned something. I do not know when I am really sick. It would have been good of me to call the doctor when I felt so lousy. Even though I knew I was seeing her on Friday- I was prepared for pain and when I did not get it but got horribly sick with chest and head cold, frequent diarrhea, weakness, I did not recognize that I was going downhill from the chemotherapy hard and fast. Like what the heck is the matter with me, I do not know when I need to call a doctor and report my symptoms, I think oh well, this is what's suppose to happen and I am meant to suffer. What a wake up call. No wonder I did not catch my depression. I had no idea I needed help until I was really really sick then too. I just take it in stride -like it will go away all on its own until the alarms are loud and violent that is. Asking ot be poisoned is a new experience. I once took a illegal substance by mistake in college and got violently sick. I thought I could have died. Caren stayed with me until we knew I was going to be alright. Scared the crap out of me (maybe even both of us). I have kind of stayed away from drugs that can make me sick ever since. And chemo is not fun even a little bit and I have to voluntarily go in there and let them hook me up to it. And sit there willingly. Gosh - can't believe kids have to do this. There is my blessing- I am not a child and this is NOT happening to my child.
I am not strong, I am not brave, I am not special, I am not a fighter, I am just a woman with breast cancer who trusts medical science to fix this problem the only way they know how. I surrender.
