I Am Strong, Flexible and Centered

I have been doing OPTAVIA now for just over 4 weeks and I am happy doing it. I am also reading a helpful book called "Hunger Fix" by Dr. Pam Peeke- I have given my self-pity a very good and lengthy run. It is over now. It is heart ache that brings me back to my old unhealthy fixes that I learned in childhood and now lie to me and tell me it is okay to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  I continued the lies and told myself that I deserved it, when what I really deserved was to be healthy and happy.  And what makes me happy is freedom of movement without pain. 

I do remember the days when I could hike and lift my legs high without moaning and groaning. I remember getting off the couch with ease too. And the body that wears my anger is still able to function pretty well even with all the insults I have thrown at it. My blood pressure is normal and my cholesterol levels are manageable with medication just 3 times a week. I fall asleep and stay asleep easily and my skin is still soft and smooth. My lungs and heart are strong. My kidneys and bladder function as they should. My hair is shinny and strong with only a small amount of gray. My hearing and vision work very well too. My energy level is excellent - enough to keep up the demands of 2 jobs. And my brain is still sharp and demonstrates its neuro-plasticity almost daily. A BIG Thank you goes to Dr. Marian Diamond. (What a brain, what a life: Marian Diamond, neuroplasticity pioneer, dies at 90, August 3, 2017)

I was watching myself suffer at my own hands for a very long time. I experienced the anguish of eating for comfort and found misery each and every time - just like every other addiction.
Emotionally I have fortified myself with a mantra- "I am all I need to be" and for my body I will have another mantra- "I am strong, flexible and centered. My creator has given me a gift of a healthy body and I will honor that gift as I honor myself. I will let myself feel loved today by the Lord and of myself. My love is visible by the way I care for myself, inside and out. "

You know, body care is a pretty big job as an American woman. We all brush our teeth and floss in between and take routine showers. But then there is the moisturizers for my face, morning and evening, and the lotion for my body and the scrub for my skin and the body butter for my feet. Shampoo and conditioner for my hair. I pluck my eyebrows and shave as need here and there. I trim my nose hair. I remove  blackheads and pimples, keep my nails clean and polish them too. I keep up with regular visits to doctors, eyes, ears, throat, dentist, primary care, gynecologist, now breast surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, Bi-annual mammography, colonoscopy every 5 years.  Get 8 hours of sleep. Drink 80 to 100 ounces of water daily. Eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Eat lean protein and plenty of healthy greens. Avoid all fried foods, starchy vegetables and fruits high in sugar.  No sugar at all and only ingest healthy fats.  Take all medication and vitamins in a timely manner as prescribed.  I practice mindfulness and get monthly massages for relaxation. Wash hands every time I touch my nose or something else dirty like a doorknob, trash can or the newspaper. And I need to move so I found that I like yoga and dance so I do that as often as I can. There! I have it now!

I now will respect my biggest trigger of all which is abandonment.  When someone closes me out of a conversation, when I need to continue it to accomplish a mutual understanding, I feel tortured endlessly. Many bad experiences I had in a relationships was when I could not talk to the other person about what I felt until there was recognition of my experience. When I feel shut out, I go nuts. It is a feeling like I don't matter that drives me to eat like there is no tomorrow. I end up believing that I am unloved for I am certain that anyone who loves me would be motivated to listen until they get me right ?!?!  I need understanding and if I don't get it, I will punish and destroy myself over and over, again and again, until I surrender. I basically dig a very big hole for myself, fall in and then hide. That is the behavior I am giving up now.... as I dig myself back out for the last time.

I am worthy 
I will give myself the life I deserve 
I am strong, flexible and centered
I am kind, loving and beautiful
I will let myself feel loved today

I honor my creator my accepting these gifts
My wisdom is the heart of all my experiences and it serves me well
I am all I need to be 

NOT Giving Up Is Hard To Do

I am learning that not giving up is such a hard thing to do. However, I have never been comfortable on the sidelines of life. I much prefer to jump in and get really wet from head to toe.

As most of your know, I am fighting with eating, food and being obese. I arrived at a place where I could no longer stand that I have been slowly taking years from my life as well as diminishing the quality and everything I had tried seemed to fail me and I would gain more weight in the process. So on FB there was a guy named Larry from Cherry Hill that was friends with other people that I am friends with on FB and he kept posting weight loss photos and comments about his "program".  So finally, I got curious enough that I messaged him to learn what his program was all about. 

I very slowly learned that what he is doing and what I have started doing is the re-branding of Medifast under

"OPTAVIA, we help you realize Lifelong Transformation, One Healthy Habit at a Time^TM. Our approach to health is radically different. We believe Optimal Health^TM and wellbeing is about what's added to your life, not what's subtracted from the scale. These habits add to your quality of life by getting your mind and body working together to work for you.  For most, it starts with achieving a healthy weight. This is the catalyst for bigger changes. When you achieve your healthy weight, you increase your health, confidence, and vitality. You create space for a bigger life. "

So I am eating prepackaged food every 2 1/2 to 3 hours- drinking water out the wazoo. I eat one regular food meal a day, which is called “lean and green, and this is my very first week.  And Larry from Cherry Hill is my coach although he is now from Maryland near Columbia.  I am very excited to get back to myself and have the life I deserve. The only thing in my way was myself- (as usual) and I am fighting for what I believe.

To support this process, I have signed up for a Trauma recovery treatment workshop given in North Jersey in January 2018. It will cost a lot of money for 3 - 9 hour days.  There will be only 5 participants in the group. But I decided that I can pay for it in several different ways like a credit card or something like that as it competes with my car insurance being due and of course, the holidays. Nonetheless, I am worth it and I am sick and tired of postponing feeling good. One of the bonuses to motivate me is my trip to Canada in May of 2018 with Diane Levad. We have booked a great lodge near Baniff and Lake Louise. I want to be able to kayak, river raft, and hike while I am up there. That is not manageable at my current weight of 255. So I am doing this one-day at a time and one week at a time and I have not weighed myself this week as I made a commitment to only weigh in once a week which will be Monday December 11.  I did have some challenges as I went out to dinner with friends and went to a baby shower at work. I am confident that my choices were ok enough. 

Moberly Lodge is located just North of Golden, British Columbia, between the Canadian Rocky Mountains and Columbia Mountain ranges and is within close proximity to five of the most stunning National Parks in Canada; Banff, Glacier, Kootenay, Mount Revelstoke and Yoho. The valley floor is home to the confluence of Kicking Horse River, famous for whitewater rafting ad the Columbia River, home to the longest protected wetlands in North America.

Lost My Attractiveness

OMG - I read my post this morning and I left out a word that changes the meaning of the whole sentence- it was the word NOT- so I edited the online version but what everyone got in their box will be incorrect.  - how odd is that.  it ought to mean-  I feel that I have lost my attractiveness by being so large.

You know I read each post several times before sending it out - looking for errors and spots for clarification but I hear myself in my head so it is hard to see what is on the page at times. I get why people need editors.

I did get finally approval for the workshops on dementia care for me to teach social workers, nurses and care managers and I am giving the seminar on Friday December 1, 2017 in Voorhees at the Mansion. It is being sponsored by Brookdale communities.

I am in the process of writing a proposal for another Alzheimer's forum given in April 2018 that I would like to participate in given by a local attorney, Jerry Rothkoff. I am also writing up an experience I had with a client who could not recognize that she was in her own house because she had be placed in assisted living for a few days and her disease interfered with her ability to fully see that she was in familiar surroundings and kept asking to go back to her home.

So I am busy professionally. Well tie to take a shower and get ready  to go to work. Love you all.

My Relationship With Food Is More Harmful Than Cancer Right Now

I just tortured myself - I am at work and could not remember how to get into my blog- supposedly, I am recognized by the blog from my personal email and my private practice email so I went on a recovery mission to go figure out what to do. It took almost an hour but I never gave up - did not even occur to me to stop and surrender to wait until I got home - My home computer goes straight to my add new post page. Not the case on my work computer.

My wonderful cousin Art recently wrote to me asking me how I was doing since I have not been on my blog lately. The truth is I love writing. I always have so much to say. And there are so many interesting topics in which to say something about. However, the one I like the least is how I am doing. Although I am seeing my oncologist tomorrow at 3:30 pm ( my bi-annual checkup) I do not emotionally connect with my cancer experience. I think because I have had so much surgery in my life, it just felt like another surgery to fix something. I don't think about my heart surgery that I had when I was 16, nor my gall bladder removal or my hernia repair. I never felt scared for my life or threatened in any way. The real issue in my life will be monitoring myself for my mood.

I get a bit nervous when I am sad or frustrated or lonely. And that can happen when I run out of steam because I work 2 jobs and like to do fun things. Which I have been doing but I have been doing them alone. I went up to see college marching bands alone.(fabulous btw)  I went into Philly to hear Terry Gross interview Seth Meyers alone. I really want to go away for a few days  but I do not have a travel buddy either. And I do not feel comfortable looking for companionship on a dating site because of my obesity. There, I said it.  I do not feel attractive. And every recent attempt to loose weight leads me down a sad path of failure. I did buy a new book addressing this but what I really wanted was something to do with sexuality, trauma and emotional eating. The new self help book promises to be the answer. I am trying to find the motivation to tackle this life long problem and push through all my anxiety once again. Eating has truly become a place of relaxation after a hard day and it quiets my anxiety about everything except how I look and feel. I am totally aware that I am slowly shortening my life and decreasing it's quality as well.

Getting honest has also been hard. I really don't want to be an addict with food. It is too much work because I still need to eat which means I need to plan, shop and cook. None of which is fun or pleasant. I feel drained just thinking about it. To properly address this I need to be willing to make it a high priority of self care with lots of mental and physical work.   Learning to do that as a child would have been much better. Learning new skills as an adult is much more challenging. I just want to cry. and I have not found good mental health providers to address this with me. I want to talk to someone that has been emotionally abandoned repeatedly during their childhood, turned to food and sex for comfort as temporary fixes and then was hurt again and again in romantic relationships and came though the other end to find  themselves living in a healthy body with a functional life. And then I could get their understanding without judgment, and be mentored by them.

Yep. That is what I want, because my relationship with food will hurt me faster than any cancer will.

Not too late for my DREAMS to come true

It has been awhile since I have made the time to write. Mostly because I am working 2 jobs and when I get home at night I do not want to sit at the computer and write. On the weekends I want to be outside now that it is summer. Today I am home doing some chores and wanted to write before I go sit outside.  I have a couple of goals between now and my retirement that I have been working towards- But before I go into to that, let me catch you up. All my blood work and health screens are good.  I am still fat which is a whole story unto itself.  I am exploring barriers to weight loss especially when it comes to being a trauma survivor. I will be attending a workshop with the author of the "Body Keeps the Score" at Kirpalu in October 2017. 

The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

• Presenter: Bessel van der Kolk
• Presenter: Licia Sky

For health professionals, therapists, yoga instructors, and others interested in the nature of trauma.


Work is excellent as I got approved to be able to give continuing professional education credits to other social workers for teaching them how to do what I do with caregivers of loved ones with dementia.  I also received a very small merit raise.  My private practice has grown through word of mouth and I am also working with couples as well as individuals.  Madison went on Birthright to Israel and loved the experience and reported that it was better than she expected as it was different than when she went at 16- Actually, she is different and therefore the benefits were enormous for her.

I have taken to living alone quite well. ( I do have 2 cats) I do not feel lonely or sad about that. I am very busy and have many professional relationships that I enjoy and have been trying to cultivate some into personal friendships as well but it is tough at this age. Many of my professional colleagues, already have well established friendships and are quite busy themselves. I do most social activities by myself. Last night I went to a live podcast in Philadelphia at a club called Ruba.

We Got This with Mark and Hal

 Every week, Mark Gagliardi and Hal Lublin take the dumb issues in life that people care strongly about and settle the argument once and for all. No topic is too small or insignificant for them to dissect and decide! Whatever minutiae you argue with friends and family, don’t worry: We Got This.

Have a topic for a future episode of We Got This? Email Mark and Hal at WeGotThisPodcast@gmail.com, tweet them at @wegotthistweets or join their Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/wegotthispodcast.

While at that podcast taping, I experienced that I live in small world when it comes to being weird, strange, unusual or different.  There is a much bigger world out there that live on a edge that I could not imagine before hand.  In comparison I am pretty mainstream. The experience allowed me to open my soul even wider to let go of judgments and assumptions about the "other".  It got me wondering if I could allow myself to unleash my social conventions if I would become even stranger than I already am and am I who I am because I desired acceptance to fit in and belong or in fact I am completely true to myself. In other words, how much of who I am is truly me rather than who I decided I needed to be in order to belong.  I do remember at a young age- wishing to be normal which of course meant- go to college, fall in love, get married, buy a house and raise a family, go on vacations, save money, take care of one another, do volunteer work and be a good citizen, neighbor and friend.  etc.  That was the script I thought was best and I wanted it. Of course it did not turn out that way and there have been times that I thought I failed. I worked hard to cope with that feeling and finally was able to let it go. Fortunately, I now live in a world where the scripts are many and some are far reaching. Nice and simply- truly, unless I am in prison for life, I have not failed. 

Which brings me full circle to my dreams for retirement planning. Goal #1- Stay alive until I am 66.25 years old- (don't die before I retire). Goal #2- have zero balances on all my credit cards.  Goal #3- sell everything I can and rent an seaside apartment in the Caribbean for one year.  #4- Return to USA an buy a place in Ventnor, NJ and put it in Madison's name with a life estate to me.  #5- See the USA in my Chevrolet and trailer.

I Value Kindess Above All Else

It has been so long since I written that I almost forgot how to sign in and start. Well I have been extremely busy in many different ways. San Antonio was wonderful and it was such a pleasure to hang out with Rona. My soul was nourished by the experience and I found a renewed strength in myself as well. I love the way she loves me. In some critical ways, she taught me how to love- love myself and others.  I will always be grateful for what we have together. 

The flight went well both ways and I wore my sleeve without any discomfort.  I walked for long distances looking at everything- I like seeing and doing new things. 

This week, I saw my Radiation Oncologist, Dr. John Wilson  and will get my 6 month mammography on my left breast next Friday the 9th. I was suppose to do it in April he said.  "OOOPPS",  I said.  He said they like to do mammography every 6 months for the first 2 years. Gosh- I think it is better to do them every 6 months after the first 2 years - after all, I would think the further away I am from the chemo (aka poison) and radiation, the more likely a re-occurrence. But who am I to judge. I hit my first anniversary of taking my estrogen suppressing medication on May 5. One down, four to go.

He also asked if I do self breast exams and I said no. He was glad I was honest. He said I should. I am not big on shoulds. He gave me a hang tag for my shower to remind myself.

Next week I am having my 5 year colonoscopy. Seeing an allergist in August and had a little something taken off from the skin on my chest earlier this month.  I think that is it.

Professionally I got some great news. My proposal  to give Licensed Clinical Social Workers  CEUs for  Dementia Care: Coping Without Regret: Avoiding Caregiver Pitfalls    workshop got approved with just a few minor corrections / additions. So I approached a local assisted living in the area to see if they want me to give the talk there in September 2017.  I am very excited and I will also submit it to give it at the NASW annual conference in May 2018 for the state of New Jersey.

I spent today doing too many errands and fulfilling my responsibilities when I would rather be at home doing nothing these days.  Doing chores is hard work.  And the list is endless.  I dugout an old shrub and planted a new Rhododendron bush. I even got it a bag of special soil for the thing- I hope it is happy. Wish me luck. 

I called my friend and handyman Bob, cause one of my toilets is broken and my kitchen sink is leaking. (I put a small bucket under there) So now I can't wait too much longer to get things fixed around the house. Picked up new solar lights for the front garden and a new CO2 detector. Another should- "replace every 7 to 10 years"-  last one was installed 1996. Another OOOPPS.

I am having a ball with Facebook. I love watching what everyone is doing and what they like and dislike. Seeing political views of people I went to high school is amazing. Who knew who would become what they are.  Life is so interesting isn't it. The truth for me is I really don't care what people think as long as they are happy and healthy.  No one needs to agree with me nor do I need to see things their way.  Not everyone I asked to be my friend on Facebook accepted. No need to seek other's approval. Live and let live!!  I do know for myself, I only want to kind. If I do nothing else with the rest of my life but be kind I will be very pleased with myself!   💗💗💗

It Is Time To Wear My Sleeve

I am going to San Antonio Texas early Tuesday morning to attend a conference with the Aging Life Care Association formerly known as Geriatric Care Managers.  So here I am having a relaxing Sunday thinking of every thing I need to pack for this trip and wondering how I can do it with much less shoes than I want to bring along. As I am laying my belongings out on my bed, I remember that I need a headband for yoga. And it hits me when I go into my drawer for my hair thingamajigs, that I need to wear my sleeve.
Since I had 3 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm, I went through lymphedema prevention with an occupational therapist. And of course she had a sleeve made just for me.  The pressure of flying can trigger swelling which does not sound too bad but I have seen that it can be painful and not always go away. So believe it or not, I am going to do what I was told to do and wear it. The good news is that mine is very beautiful. Swirls of bright colors along with a very pretty bird (see below) - it almost looks like a gorgeous tattoo. So me and my beautiful hair are going to go flying and hopefully get in some walking, yoga and pool time in too.

“The No. 1 predictor of who gets lymphedema is the size of the arm to start with,” he said. “Women who have a larger arm size should still be careful, and I think there’s still some value in wearing a compressive sleeve on long flights.”  It may be more common if radiation is given after surgery.

You may notice lymphedema for the first time during or just after one of the following events:

• Injury
• Infection
• Burn
• Strenuous activity
• Significant weight gain
• Air travel (because of pressure changes)

Wear a compression garment or low-stretch lymphedema bandage when you travel in an airplane. The compression garment should extend to your hand, even if you usually use one that ends at your wrist. If you’re wearing compression garments for the first time, you should test them before your flight.     

• Make sure the garment is comfortable enough to wear the entire flight.
• Make sure the garment doesn’t cause new swelling in your hand or arm.

 BOTTOM LINE The risk of lymphedema from flying appears to be small.

Ram Tough - That Is Me

I feel so good I almost feel great. I am 61, been treated for breast cancer, am overweight and feel strong. My mind is well as I can think clearly and I am less reactive to unpleasant situations than I ever used to be. Madison is fine but our beloved convertible got hit from behind which threw her into the back of a cement truck - All this happened last week in East Falls, just down the street from the apartment as she was going to work. She was completely stopped and a SEPTA bus hit the car behind her which then lunged forward into Madison's rear, lifting it up in the air and shoved her forward into the back of the cement truck- Needless to say, the car is totaled since it was a 2002. The front crash missed the bumper all together and the hood and engine crunched under the truck 's rear.  Not a pretty site at all. Many people were quick to point out how lucky we were that no one was hurt. Which is true of course.  I loved that car and Madison was so looking forward to driving it this summer. Fortunately, she and Brian were sharing her car and his car was back home, so they went and got it and now they will share his car until she gets a newer used car. Hopefully by now, they are sitting pretty at an all inclusive resort in Montego Bay Jamaica. They planned this trip months ago. I hope the weather holds out for them. I told her- if the sun is up in the morning- go outside!  because it is likely to rain the afternoon.
I will be traveling soon too. I am off to an Aging Life Conference in San Antonio Texas. I will be there for Cinco deMayo. My friend and colleague, Rona will be there too. I am looking forward to at least one day in the sun, sitting by the rooftop pool. I selected to go to this conference just so I could see Rona. She is a wonderful loving friend and I am so looking forward to our visit.
Also, I am submitting a workshop for approval for CEUs to NASW - New Jersey on how to help caregivers of loved ones with dementia. My private practice has gotten busy too.
I have been able to get hot yoga between 2 and 3 times a week. Boy oh boy, does that ever make a difference.  I love seeing my body change for the better- stronger, more flexible and so much better balance. I have been taking my time with making my body smaller. I still like to eat my food rather than drink it. I have held off the 22 pounds that I lost and I am back on track seriously. It is hard as life is too much fun.
In fact, this weekend I am going to a comedy show in support of our troops and Dena Blizzard is the headliner. She was the MC at Madison's Miss New Jersey contest in 2012. Very funny lady. My girl friend Rebecca is going with me to the Ritz playhouse in Oaklyn. Last week I drove up to North Jersey to see 2 mediums- they were excellent and then I stayed over at Caren's house before coming home to get ready for the garage sale.  That turned out to be fun day with the family but a flop as far as a sale goes in getting rid of my stuff. The weather turned on us and not too many people came out for it.  
As much as I like being busy, I am also eager to rest while I am away and explore the area at my own pace rather than meeting deadlines all the time. I enjoyed the winter for that very reason.  Less to do, less places to go and less outside work.  I  was going to write that it is true- "for everything there is a season", better make the most of it.  But then I looked it up and it said there is a season "to hate" because the song is based on a part from the New Testament. I wont accept that hate is necessary. It is a poor choice. And I will leave it at that.

Gratitude

It feels like Spring today. All my windows are open and I am going to clean up around the house today so I can go to the Cherry blossom festival in Philly tomorrow.

Well folks, it has been sometime since I wrote you and part of that is nothing too exciting was going on.  But I am happy to fill you in on whatever I am thinking. For starters, my curly hair has started to change back to what I was born with so the evidence of chemotherapy is slowly leaving my body. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to say to people who ask me how I am feeling because I have never felt "bad" because of my cancer. The treatment was not pleasant but overall, I never got sick from the cancer- I guess if I had, I would not likely be here.  It is almost 1 years since I started my hormone (estrogen) reducing oral medication (05-05-2016) which I will take for another 4 years. Next Friday, I will see my medical oncologist.( the one who concocts the poison formula)

One of the things I learned or had reinforced during this experience is how important support really is. Having my friends Carol, Shari, Karen and Maureen to talk to about their experiences and what to expect helped ground me and made coping so much easier than it would have been otherwise. Fortunately, I learned a long time ago that it is okay to ask for support and help.  My husband Philip's addiction got me to my knees back in the 80's and I crawled my way to an Nar-Anon meeting. Back then I was ashamed and scared almost all the time. I did finally surrender and learned I could cope with life as it is rather than wishing for something different. I no longer had to be alone anymore either and I could own that I did not have all the answers. The world was lifted off my shoulders and back once I did that.

Just this week I reached out to my former employer and friend, Rona Bartelstone.  Rona gave me so much love and support when I was certain that I deserved to be shunned and punished. Besides all the lessons about geriatric care management, she taught me all about the gift of forgiveness.  This week she helped me write / edit my submission for a workshop I want to do on dementia care for other social workers. It is all done on line through NASW of New Jersey so I can give out continuing education credits for attendees. The process for the proposal is long and cumbersome. It is challenging for me to take what I have been doing seamlessly for many years and translate that into words in an organized manner so that others can understand and learn how to do what I do.

I am so grateful for all the people who love who did not have to love me. You figure your family is sort of obligated to love you and of course there are wounds when they don't know how, but others still can open their hearts to you. I have been totally blessed in that regard. Patrice McDonald was the first to step up when I was lost and lonely back in 1971-72. My mother had died a few years earlier when I was 12 ( February 1969) and my father had moved me miles away from friends and family by the time I was 13 ( June 1969) and then he married someone who was cold and clearly not interested in knowing or loving me ( February 1970)  So I become a 4th McDonald daughter. That is how I got my training in being a good Catholic and that looks can kill when they come from an Irish mother like Kitty McDonald. Elbows off the table, napkins on the lap and please pass that or this and thank you very much were clearly expected behavior 100% of the time. So I shipped up rather than out.

My survival instincts continued as I attached myself to others along the way waiting for my prince charming to show up and rescue me.  And we all know that ended badly when Bob asked for a divorce 6 months after we got married.

The take away message from all this is at least 2 points. #1- ASK FOR HELP!  #2- Everything that you need to survive is available if you are willing to look for it.

And most importantly, I am sending a sincere warm thank you to all who love me because your love carried me through my darkest hours and it still does. No matter how small you think your warm smile has been, it and you matter to me. ALWAYS!

I Am Adorable- So They Tell Me

My hair has finally become my hair and I no longer refer to it as my chemo hair. My roots are coming in straight and I have these adorable curls at the end and it is so easy to manage and let it go wherever it wants. It is at that stage when I would get a permanent in the 80's and 3 months later it would be perfect. Yesterday, Maureen trimmed my bangs/ top of my head which seems to get heavy quick and all of you know how much I do not like my hair near my eyes. 

I learned that Dena Blizzard- One Funny Mother is actually her first cousin once removed- which means that their mothers are first cousins. Dena will be on stage as part of a fund raiser for Veterans at the end of April and I purchased 2 tickets. They are performing at the Ritz playhouse in Haddon Township. Please join in the fun! 

Date/Time- 04/29/2017, 7:00 pm
Location - Ritz Theatre, 915 White Horse Pike, Haddon Township, 
Event Description -  Support South Jersey veterans by enjoying an evening of comedy featuring the former Miss NJ, with Ron Kelly, Bob Marsdale and Tommy Highland.

The event will also include small plate snacks, a veteran’s-themed art exhibit and a cash bar featuring local wine and beer.   Doors open 7pm, show 8pm. Tickets $22.50 in advance, $27/50 at the door. Visit https://secure.wcit.net/ritztheatreco/remote.list_shows.php .
Sponsored by the Courier-Post, Ritz Theatre Company, One Funny Mother, Humor Hound, SLK Partners, Sanders Home Services and Camden County

I just came from seeing my colon doctor- it has been 5 years since my last game of "I spy with my eye" up your colon. Gave him all my health updates and am waiting for them to call me to set it up. Something must be wrong with me as I do not mind the prep- neither the drinking the concoction or emptying out of my body. It will be nice to learn that there is no signs of cancer in my colon- When I did genetic testing I learned  that the 2 kinds of cancer are can be genetically related.  

I guess this is a season for medical check ups- saw the eye doctor last week as my computer reading glasses did not seem strong enough anymore- They like to get you in there every year for a check up but it had been 2 or 3 which seems plenty enough for me. My script changed slightly so I am waiting for my new glasses and one of my old frames to be fitted with new lens - Distance has not changed thank goodness.  When I saw my primary care physician, she was thrilled as my cholesterol was only 175- the lowest it has been in 6 plus years. YAY for me. I take a small amount of a statin 3 times a week. But my weight loss program really sent it down.

So I am turning 61 in a few more days. Poor Madison and Brian. Every day I have been sending them reminders of our vacation from last year.  Best vacation ever. No vacation this year. all my resources are in the house- replaced Heating A/C and Hot Water Heater. Oh well.

Sometimes My Life Feels So Strange

Sometimes my life feels so strange. Clusters of chaotic energy come from nowhere- pushing me in all directions- leaving me gasping for down time to breathe. Little time for regaining balance between each hit. Thank goodness, my experience with rooms of recovery in Florida helped me learn to embrace the flow without needing to question why this or that. Trusting that it will all work out in the end.  I only need to live one day at a time or even one minute at a time.  That is what the last week or two has been like for me.

First, I attended Michael's memorial service and weeped for his agony.  I let my desire to hold him and tell him that I loved him over take me. Just allowing myself to feel that deep hurt and loss, wanting to talk with him over a glass of wine....... moments shared kept flashing before me as I shuttered in the permanence of his life now being over.

Then my heater stopped working and I got estimates on replacing the system along with my air conditioner and hot water heater as my house is 35 years old.  I had to resist pressure from different salesmen when I made my final choice to go with Elite owned by Eric Levy. I spent time and energy figuring out the best way to pay for all this considering that I have no savings and am still very much in credit card debt and also have monthly car payments until January 2018. Finally decided to do an 18 month low interest loan on my Discover card that I can pay back at $250 a month and be done in the nick of time.  

Then there were several phone calls from people with loved ones that needed education and guidance regarding aging life choices. On top of that, another group of calls, emails and text messages came in from private clients who needed my input for decisions on how to handle challenges in their lives.

I also devoted time to reading and editing my section in Rachel's book that she is writing.  In this book, as a call for action, she is committed to demonstrating the necessity of extensive research in brain health in order to provide better care for people with mental illness because it is not about them - it is about all of us- as innocent sufferers who often get lost and disappear due to the ignorance and neglect of our health care providers and system.

Getting to hot yoga, getting to my second job, meetings over lunch, straightening up the house so cleaners could work, coordinating installation of new HVAC system with my work hours, setting up routine oil change only to learn soon after my arrival, I absolutely needed 4 new tires and front brakes too. Use a loaner car and get to work.  Perform at my regular job as a geriatric medical social worker on a dementia evaluation team at a local medical school which includes running a Huntington disease support group the first Wednesday evening of every month.  Completing application to attend the Aging Life Association conference in San Antino the first week of May 2017 so I can visit with Rona too and celebrate Cinco de Mayo together in Texas!  Make airline and hotel reservations and get it all approved in time for early registration. Choosing to help friends with rides home from hospital and baby sitting for an adolescent son with autism. These are the activities that have consumed my days and nights in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Trying to remember to send out birthday wishes to friends and family, all the while sticking to a diet plan, drinking plenty of water, taking my medication twice a day, got my blood work done. And oh yes, create a power point presentation ready for Monday to give at Lourdes hospital and prepare another one for the residents of Brookdale Voorhees on how to treat those less fortunate than oneself with kindness, after all, they live in the same community as the rest of you and deserve to be there without being bullied for being sick.

So you can imagine a few things about me now. I am not very good at staying in touch by telephone with friends although staying close to them matters a great deal to me. But above all else, I must have a healthy fully functional brain at all times, in order to maintain the high degree of performance that my life requires of me. I can never allow myself to become depressed again. Any disease developing in my brain will not allow me to do all that I do. I am blessed.

"You is kind.  You is smart. You is important."   Aibileen Clark, The Help ~ Kathryn Stockett

"Naked and Afraid" or Warm and Cozy Under the Covers! You choose !!

I found new meaning in the expression "Naked and Afraid" I know it is a tv show about survival. But it also about how I approach my scale at times.  I have lost 20 lbs as of today.  This program is allowing me to change my relationship with food. I am looking at food less and less and I am satisfied with less of it as well. It is starting to allow me to become more honest. There is nothing magical about food and emotional eating. It is a temporary solution to a permanent problem which can be one of many things.  I can make poor choices because I am bored or because I want to be nice to myself thinking I deserve a treat.  I can overeat because I am sad or because I am celebrating. I think my favorite reasons for making poor choices is because I am tired. Eating keeps me awake when I ought to just go to sleep. Slowing, my food choices are coming back into line with my overall goals in life.  Which is to live a healthy life of peace and well being and be of service to others.

My life has become very interesting since the beginning of the year. There are others I am helpful to in a few different respects but I am also able to honor my own limits and priorities. I have the freedom to do as I wish now too. I am enjoying being an empty nester. I got to baby sit for a few friends and family. I got to run errands for someone who was getting out of the hospital and bring her home. I go to hot yoga  about 3 times a week. I see friends for lunch and go to movies- either alone with a friend.  I catch up with my daughter from time to time and visit with her in Philly.  I love getting photos on my smart phone from family and friends and reading Facebook too.  I am very content. Both of my jobs are going extremely well.

At this moment, I am surprised at myself. Last week, I started shopping for a new Heating and A/C system because mine is over 35 years old...... as old as the house..... which I have owned for 20 plus years. I got 2 estimates. The first guy was here last Saturday so I turned off the system because it was so beautiful out. And the next day when I went to turn it back on , the fan motor said "NO THANK YOU.  I AM DONE NOW".  The 3 rd company is a company that I used before- Eric Levy from Elite Heating and A/C.  And he is my final choice for many reasons and he won't be able to fit me in until sometime next week- He mostly does commercial work now.  So I'm home tonight while it is freezing outside without any heat and I am calm.  No worries. It will get fixed when it gets fixed. No anxiety.

Although I am a little uncomfortable, I am managing. It will be warmer on Sunday and next week. I only have to be cold for 36 to 48 hours I am guessing.  So I will take a hot bath and I do have an electric bed warmer aka mattress pad.  As always, it was good talking to you- good night and sweet dreams.

Silver Linings Playbook, Movie Mike, 12-12-12

On friday morning, I was all set to write a blog about how happy I am and how well things went when I went for my bi- annual medical check up with my primary care doctor when I received some very upsetting news. A friend of mine known affectionately as Movie Mike around my family, took his own life last Sunday, February 19, 2017 at the age of 47. I had not seen him or heard from him in quite sometime and I wrongly assumed that it was because he had outgrown the need for our friendship.

Mike and I met one day when I was running late into a movie that I had heard about and really wanted to see; which was Silver Linings Playbook as the lead character was recently released from a psychiatric facility and the movie was filmed around Philadelphia. My release from a psychiatric hospital had been just 5 years earlier.  I went after work and drove from Stratford to the westside of Cherry Hill at rush hour. I knew that there were would be lots of previews so I tried not to stress myself driving there. When I finally got to the theatre, there was only 3 other people in the theatre for this 5:20 pm showing on 12-12-12.  As I turned the corner of the darkened room, a heard a voice call out and say- "It just started, you didn't miss anything".  That was Mike, and I said thanks and took a seat.

After the movie was over, as we were walking through the lobby, he asked me and one of the other people in the theatre, if we wanted to go catch a drink at Fridays just across the parking lot. The other person said no thanks, he had somewhere to go and I thought, oh what the hell- it is just across the parking lot, what could happened in such a public space anyway.  And there, at the bar, over a drink and some appetizers, Michael Freda and I exchanged our stories of what attracted us to the movie. He had suffered with depression on and off for most of his adult life but it had gotten much worse since his career fumbled and he had become sad and lost, feeling unwanted and unlovable.  I told him my story initially very briefly but as our friendship grew I told him more and more and even took him to the site where my family saved me and to where I had originally planned to go (which was the JCC camps in Medford that does not get cell service but there were workman there that day and big machines dredging the lake and I could not get into the premises so I had to come up with an alternative.)  Mostly, I talked about how I got well and what was keeping me well.

He was working at Seasons 52 as a bartender and was unhappy there because he felt it was less than what he was capable of and also felt he was overlooked for a promotion.  I had tried to get him back into marketing within the senior caregiver community.  I took him to some networking meetings and made a few introductions for him. He once had been successful in pharmaceutical sales while living in Chicago - Over the following months, we did lots of fun things together. He was easy and wonderful to hang out with for me. I had never gotten along with any man as well as I got along with Michael.  We both wondered if it was because there was no romance between us or if it was because I was almost 15 years his senior. It was so relaxing for me and him to talk or not and do things together without stress. We were a breath of fresh air and respite for one another. He wanted so much to live life happy and carefree.  I was an example of recovery.

He lived with his twin brother Bob and a younger brother Jonathan in Audubon. His mother and father were divorced and his mother had already died. His father lived near the Jersey shore with his 2nd wife and their daughter.  He had another brother still living in Florida and Michael had once lived in Florida too and that held bad memories for him as he had lost money on a real estate deal gone bad. He was a member of a church, had a strong sense of right and wrong and held those beliefs very strongly. I continued to try and help him get his mental health stronger and get his life in order. Most importantly, I tried to give him what I knew he needed most, which was HOPE.  Nothing seals the deal more than loss of hope for any one considering suicide.

Then things went from bad to worse for Michael.  He had girl trouble. One in love with him for years but he did not share any romantic feelings for her and another he just met but did not seem 100 % right either-  his twin, Bob got married to his 2 nd wife and then Michael got fired from Seasons 52. Mike's hold on reality started to slip a little. He started seeing meaning in designs in the sidewalk outside his house and other things too.  I would try to warn him how dangerous it was to let his thoughts go to that place. He understood that he would have to make other living arrangements soon as his brother had moved to Pennsylvania after his wedding but he thought he had time. His twin, Bob was a physicians assistant with had a good career so he was carrying the overwhelming cost of living at the house in Audubon where they all had been living.  Without warning, on the first wedding anniversary, Bob took his own life with a gun. Mike fought for over a year to hold on and turn that magically corner after that tragedy. He found a place to live- a rented room in Marlton with a sister of a friend, but he never felt comfortable there and stayed mostly in his room.   He got a fairly decent job which paid his bills.  Also, he really liked one of his coworkers and got close to his family. His love life remained sad and conflicted as he broke the hearts of both women. He grew to feel that no woman in their right mind would want him as he could not be a good provider among many other flaws he believed he had and he no longer could see his own goodness. He was in treatment with a psychiatrist and a therapist.  He was taking medication.  I learned that he did go to the workplace of one of the women a month before he died but she refused to talk with him.  His mental illness had frightened her away as she did not have the skills and strength to cope with any more than what was already on her plate. And then, he finally surrendered to the feeling of hopelessness on Sunday February 19, 2017 when he jumped off the New River Gorge Bridge.

I know his suffering had to be enormous because we talked about suicide from time to time and he basically said he was chicken.  We both knew that nothing would be worse than doing something awfully hard and then not dying like jumping in front of a train or speeding truck on the turnpike....... and end up physically disabled as well as anxious and depressed still.

His body was cemented and his memorial was yesterday at the New Covenant Community Church in Audubon NJ.  I cried and cried not because Michael is no longer here but because how much pain and suffering he had to be in in order for him to jump. That final act was certainly one of last resort for him. He had tried everything else without success and just could not take it anymore. I will always love you Michael and ache for the innocent loss of your life. As sophisticated as our medical care is, it is surely lacking when it comes to the treatment for all diseases of the brain.

I know the bridge that Michael chose. Madison and I went Whitewater rafting there when she was about 9 years old on the way to visit Nana Jackie and Poppy Jaybird in Tennessee. As usual, I made a trip into a vacation.  We had a great time and I remembered thinking how scary the bridge was because it was so high up. Being afraid of heights myself, I could not even look down from the restaurant that was perched above the Gauley River.  I also remember thinking it was a magnificent piece of construction and architecture and brought back a newsletter about the history of the bridge and "Bridge Day".  I realize that the choice to die on a Sunday, the Lord's day, for Michael was also deliberate as he was a believer to the end.


The stone  which the builders rejected
Has become  the chief corner stone.
This is  the LORD’s doing;
It is marvelous  in our eyes.
This is the day  which the LORD  has made;
Let us rejoice  and be glad  in it.
O LORD,  do save,  we beseech Thee;
O LORD,  we beseech Thee,  do send prosperity!
Blessed  is the one  who comes  in the name  of the LORD;
We have blessed You  from the house  of the LORD.
The LORD  is God,  and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice  with cords  to the horns  of the altar.
Thou art my God,  and I give thanks  to Thee;
Thou art my God,  I extol Thee.
Give thanks  to the LORD,  for He is good;
For His lovingkindness  is everlasting.

For those of you who will be attending Bridge Day for the first time, you are being treated to something most people do not get to experience. Pedestrian traffic is not allowed on the surface of the New River Gorge Bridge at any time—except on Bridge Day, the third Saturday in October. The distance you have to walk to get from one side of the Bridge to the other may astound you. The main span of the Bridge is 1,700 feet long, and the total length of the Bridge is around 3,030 feet long. That is quite a walk. It is also a walk that is special for yet another reason. The Bridge you are walking on is actually 876 feet above the rapids of the New River. This may not seem very tall since you just walked 3,030 feet across the Bridge, but do not just push that number aside. We could move the Washington Monument underneath the New River Gorge Bridge and still have 325 feet left of empty space between the two. This makes the New River Gorge Bridge a perfect location for the BASE jumpers and rappellers that take advantage of the Bridge Day festivities.

Most of the 22,000 tons of structural steel for the Bridge Project was fabricated at the American Bridge Division's Ambridge, Pa., plant. All of the structural steel used for the New River Gorge Bridge is USS COR-TEN Steel, which oxides with age and gives the Bridge its dark russet color. More than 88 million pounds of steel and concrete were incorporated into the structure of the New River Gorge Bridge.  The New River Gorge Bridge took three years to complete and cost nearly 37 million dollars. Construction began on the Bridge in June of 1974, and was completed on October 22, 1977.  Because of the chosen arch design and the depth of the gorge, steel was moved into position by trolleys running on cables that spanned the gorge.  The New River Gorge  bridge is 876 feet above the New River and is 3,030 feet in length. It is the second largest single span steel arch in the Western Hemisphere, and the highest vehicle carrying bridge in the United States.  West Virginia residents voted for the New River Gorge Bridge to be featured on their state quarter in 2005.

Doing What Is Hard

I am finding life so interesting  and exciting. Today Emie gave birth to a little girl named Charlotte Rey weighing in at 6 lbs and 10 oz.  I am so happy to to be a great Aunt again.  Charlie and Janet left this morning-- received photos just a little bit ago-- she is a cutie alright.  Dark hair and a Levey nose!!!

And I have been working on getting healthier and losing weight and as of today, I have lost 17 lbs. When I hit just under 20 lbs weight loss, I will have lost 3 Charlottes. It is hard to imagine that my bones and muscles have been carrying that much extra weight all these years to equal 3 healthy babies.  The odd thing is that I do not look or feel different yet. Yes I do have less pain in my knee but that is about it..... and maybe I can get out of the bathtub a bit easier. So if my math is correct- I will loose about 11 babies by the time I am done at 7 lbs a baby equaling 77 lbs.  That would put me at 172. That is what I weighed in high school when I was only a little bit fat. So I think I will set that as my goal........ So I actually have 2 goals, The first one is to get under 200 which I hope to do by July 1...... which will be averaging about 8 lbs a month---- Which seems very doable-- And then to get down to 172.  I just have to eat very wisely and do a lot of not eating.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Today I am making Broccoli and Cauliflower soup in my Crockpot.  Had some juice greens after I got home from Yoga and am about to soak in the tub.  I have even been able to turn down my FREE offer from Panera for the month of February- a Free bagel of any kind this entire month. - exactly what I do NOT need!! I am so keenly aware of the pull in my brain. The words FREE and Bagel are irritating to me but I choose to no longer sabotage my goals---- I choose not to become disabled before I even retire. I choose not to become a burden to my daughter. I choose to ignore Panera's offer.

It is very clear that for me ( I know not for everybody) that I get to choose what kind of body and health I live with these days.  For so many years, the idea of trying again was too hard as my fear of failure was intensive and limiting. The idea of doing this again was so damn intimating. I knew for certain how long the journey would be and the kind of sacrifices I would need to make and the triggers I would have to watch out for and I knew it took energy, focus, commitment and that I would experience many storms along the way.  I might as well have been asked to cross the Grand Canyon on a simple suspension bridge.  I would have preferred to pull out my own teeth with a pair of pliers.

I suppose that fear of failure keep many people paralyzed from trying to do things that are hard.  That really is not me. I am brave and courageous.  I am a fighter for my health.  So you can only imagine how hopeless and awful I was feeling when I gave up when I suffered with a clinical depression. I really saw no way out but the one I chose at that time.  Other kinds of relief were not visible. Please try and refrain for judging those who take their own lives.  You know not what they feel and think. And believe me, love has nothing to do with it.  I knew I was loved and I loved many others. I just could not bear to live anymore. And now that is all I want..... to live free of pain and suffering of any kind. So I am committed to this road of weight loss and resisting emotional eating.

FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.

I think I love Fridays- I just got home from Hot yoga and I feel good. One of the master yoga teachers was at the school today and taught a special extra class where he went over some principles and  how he has personally adapted some things for safety purposes and it was challenging for me. Clearly I am the oldest and the fattest in the class but it matters none. Some poses are very strenuous and when I go to change from one to another, it is  awkward and I get behind the group but it does not keep me from doing the best I can. I will go to another extra class tomorrow morning that he is teaching - I could not pass up the opportunity to work with a Master teacher. and he was so kind and encouraging. 
I think it must be in our DNA- not to pass up an opportunity for fun and something special. FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.   I had it since I was a little girl falling asleep at the top of the steps trying to hear what the grown ups were talking about when my parents would have parties.  It is a theme in my family- Maryann knows about it too -- that is why she and I went to hear David Mason back stage at the Palladium back in 1978.  My daughter has the same trait- Madison is off in Las Vegas this weekend with her college friends celebrating someone's birthday.  
Since I have been working with older people, I learned at a young age that no one every regrets what they do ONLY what they don't do.  Speaking of work, this week I called up my former boss Rona Bartelstone and asked if she was traveling to any conferences in the near future and sure enough, she is- In May she is going to  the Aging Life Conference in San Antonio Texas so guess what- SO AM I !!!!! Even though it is a little pricey - work said YES. YIPPEE YI YO KAYAH ( I Am Old Cowhand From The Rio Grande )

Time to say good-night- I need a bath and some juice !!! Lots of Love, Happy Healthy Nancy


Jimmy Barkan

Jimmy Barkan is a master yoga teacher certified by Ghosh’s College of India, Calcutta, India in 1981. He is considered to be one of the pioneers of yoga in the United States, practicing long before yoga became popular and mainstream. Jimmy began his yoga career under the guidance and wisdom of Bikram Choudhury and was honored when he became known as Bikram’s Most Senior Teacher, an accomplishment very few have since obtained. Jimmy’s first yoga studio opened in Fort Lauderdale, Florida in January 1983, Plantation, Florida in 2001 and Boca Raton Florida in 2012.

The Method

The Barkan Method is a style of Hatha Yoga that originated from a lineage in Calcutta, India. The Barkan Method finds its roots from this lineage in Calcutta, but also integrates postures from other styles of Yoga to create variations and even greater range of motion. The yoga classes are practiced in a heated room to stretch and strengthen various areas of the body. The practice brings vital balance and restores all systems to optimal health. Consistency will create a physical, mental and spiritual harmony that will be felt in all areas of the practitioner's life.

I Think I Actually Might Make It!

Okay - I think I can do this.  It has been 14 days and I have lost 10 lbs.   10 down, 80 to go!  I think I will write every time I loose 10 pounds so you might hear from me every 3 or 4 weeks.

Getting into a new routine was difficult especially since in the middle of trying to do that I dealt with finding foster homes for 4 cats which required lots of phone calls, text messages, emails, traveling back and forth, here and there as they needed physical examinations, shots and certificates.  My social work skills came into good use.  The good part of all of that was that I could ignore politics for a few days.

I have rejoined  my yoga studio, Original Hot Yoga in Voorhees. It has already made a big difference in my pain level. My knee is almost completely healed and my lower back pain is 75% gone. My mobility has improved tremendously as I can get in and out of my bathtub much more easily now. I am going to invest in a tub rail though for safety purposes and peace of mind. My nephew is scouting around his office in case there is one laying around that was designed by his firm.

I have been having a date with myself every Friday night. I make it to the Library II on Route 73 for a salad bar on their Happy Hour which cost all of $9. (3:30 to 6 pm) It includes many of my favorites- romaine, beets, asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, cauliflower, chick peas, hearts of palm, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, blue cheese crumbles, green and black olives, fresh spinach, tomatoes, - there is lots more but nothing else I am interested in but for those of you who would like a salad, you can not beat it- Green pepper, cucumbers corn salad, pasta salad,  onions, iceberg, black and red beans, chopped egg, turkey chunks, diced ham and much more. They have 4 different kinds of fresh bread, 4 different kinds of cheese and a variety of fresh fruit as well.

After that I am off to the movies. This week I saw "Fences" which was very good and horribly sad. Life can break anyone of us. We all hurt and bleed. Remarkably acted by the entire cast. I used to see a movie every week back in the old days - Before I had Madison. Saturday and Sunday I go to Yoga- either at 11:30 am for 90 minutes or at 4 pm for 60 minutes. - Home to soak in the tub, lotion on skin, and have dinner and relax. I do some food shopping and cooking too on weekends and pay bills and organize my paper work.

I start each day with a shake, my medication and vitamins. I bought a really cool pill dispenser that rotates - there are 6 compartments and I just have to pour the vitamins in my hand. I just love this little convenience.  As always, thank you for listening and all your offers to help me in anyway. I know I am  truly loved by you which helps inspire me to keep up the good work.  I think I actually might make it!
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