Doing What Is Hard

I am finding life so interesting  and exciting. Today Emie gave birth to a little girl named Charlotte Rey weighing in at 6 lbs and 10 oz.  I am so happy to to be a great Aunt again.  Charlie and Janet left this morning-- received photos just a little bit ago-- she is a cutie alright.  Dark hair and a Levey nose!!!

And I have been working on getting healthier and losing weight and as of today, I have lost 17 lbs. When I hit just under 20 lbs weight loss, I will have lost 3 Charlottes. It is hard to imagine that my bones and muscles have been carrying that much extra weight all these years to equal 3 healthy babies.  The odd thing is that I do not look or feel different yet. Yes I do have less pain in my knee but that is about it..... and maybe I can get out of the bathtub a bit easier. So if my math is correct- I will loose about 11 babies by the time I am done at 7 lbs a baby equaling 77 lbs.  That would put me at 172. That is what I weighed in high school when I was only a little bit fat. So I think I will set that as my goal........ So I actually have 2 goals, The first one is to get under 200 which I hope to do by July 1...... which will be averaging about 8 lbs a month---- Which seems very doable-- And then to get down to 172.  I just have to eat very wisely and do a lot of not eating.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Today I am making Broccoli and Cauliflower soup in my Crockpot.  Had some juice greens after I got home from Yoga and am about to soak in the tub.  I have even been able to turn down my FREE offer from Panera for the month of February- a Free bagel of any kind this entire month. - exactly what I do NOT need!! I am so keenly aware of the pull in my brain. The words FREE and Bagel are irritating to me but I choose to no longer sabotage my goals---- I choose not to become disabled before I even retire. I choose not to become a burden to my daughter. I choose to ignore Panera's offer.

It is very clear that for me ( I know not for everybody) that I get to choose what kind of body and health I live with these days.  For so many years, the idea of trying again was too hard as my fear of failure was intensive and limiting. The idea of doing this again was so damn intimating. I knew for certain how long the journey would be and the kind of sacrifices I would need to make and the triggers I would have to watch out for and I knew it took energy, focus, commitment and that I would experience many storms along the way.  I might as well have been asked to cross the Grand Canyon on a simple suspension bridge.  I would have preferred to pull out my own teeth with a pair of pliers.

I suppose that fear of failure keep many people paralyzed from trying to do things that are hard.  That really is not me. I am brave and courageous.  I am a fighter for my health.  So you can only imagine how hopeless and awful I was feeling when I gave up when I suffered with a clinical depression. I really saw no way out but the one I chose at that time.  Other kinds of relief were not visible. Please try and refrain for judging those who take their own lives.  You know not what they feel and think. And believe me, love has nothing to do with it.  I knew I was loved and I loved many others. I just could not bear to live anymore. And now that is all I want..... to live free of pain and suffering of any kind. So I am committed to this road of weight loss and resisting emotional eating.