I just tortured myself - I am at work and could not remember how to get into my blog- supposedly, I am recognized by the blog from my personal email and my private practice email so I went on a recovery mission to go figure out what to do. It took almost an hour but I never gave up - did not even occur to me to stop and surrender to wait until I got home - My home computer goes straight to my add new post page. Not the case on my work computer.
My wonderful cousin Art recently wrote to me asking me how I was doing since I have not been on my blog lately. The truth is I love writing. I always have so much to say. And there are so many interesting topics in which to say something about. However, the one I like the least is how I am doing. Although I am seeing my oncologist tomorrow at 3:30 pm ( my bi-annual checkup) I do not emotionally connect with my cancer experience. I think because I have had so much surgery in my life, it just felt like another surgery to fix something. I don't think about my heart surgery that I had when I was 16, nor my gall bladder removal or my hernia repair. I never felt scared for my life or threatened in any way. The real issue in my life will be monitoring myself for my mood.
I get a bit nervous when I am sad or frustrated or lonely. And that can happen when I run out of steam because I work 2 jobs and like to do fun things. Which I have been doing but I have been doing them alone. I went up to see college marching bands alone.(fabulous btw) I went into Philly to hear Terry Gross interview Seth Meyers alone. I really want to go away for a few days but I do not have a travel buddy either. And I do not feel comfortable looking for companionship on a dating site because of my obesity. There, I said it. I do not feel attractive. And every recent attempt to loose weight leads me down a sad path of failure. I did buy a new book addressing this but what I really wanted was something to do with sexuality, trauma and emotional eating. The new self help book promises to be the answer. I am trying to find the motivation to tackle this life long problem and push through all my anxiety once again. Eating has truly become a place of relaxation after a hard day and it quiets my anxiety about everything except how I look and feel. I am totally aware that I am slowly shortening my life and decreasing it's quality as well.
Getting honest has also been hard. I really don't want to be an addict with food. It is too much work because I still need to eat which means I need to plan, shop and cook. None of which is fun or pleasant. I feel drained just thinking about it. To properly address this I need to be willing to make it a high priority of self care with lots of mental and physical work. Learning to do that as a child would have been much better. Learning new skills as an adult is much more challenging. I just want to cry. and I have not found good mental health providers to address this with me. I want to talk to someone that has been emotionally abandoned repeatedly during their childhood, turned to food and sex for comfort as temporary fixes and then was hurt again and again in romantic relationships and came though the other end to find themselves living in a healthy body with a functional life. And then I could get their understanding without judgment, and be mentored by them.
Yep. That is what I want, because my relationship with food will hurt me faster than any cancer will.
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