Gratitude

It feels like Spring today. All my windows are open and I am going to clean up around the house today so I can go to the Cherry blossom festival in Philly tomorrow.

Well folks, it has been sometime since I wrote you and part of that is nothing too exciting was going on.  But I am happy to fill you in on whatever I am thinking. For starters, my curly hair has started to change back to what I was born with so the evidence of chemotherapy is slowly leaving my body. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to say to people who ask me how I am feeling because I have never felt "bad" because of my cancer. The treatment was not pleasant but overall, I never got sick from the cancer- I guess if I had, I would not likely be here.  It is almost 1 years since I started my hormone (estrogen) reducing oral medication (05-05-2016) which I will take for another 4 years. Next Friday, I will see my medical oncologist.( the one who concocts the poison formula)

One of the things I learned or had reinforced during this experience is how important support really is. Having my friends Carol, Shari, Karen and Maureen to talk to about their experiences and what to expect helped ground me and made coping so much easier than it would have been otherwise. Fortunately, I learned a long time ago that it is okay to ask for support and help.  My husband Philip's addiction got me to my knees back in the 80's and I crawled my way to an Nar-Anon meeting. Back then I was ashamed and scared almost all the time. I did finally surrender and learned I could cope with life as it is rather than wishing for something different. I no longer had to be alone anymore either and I could own that I did not have all the answers. The world was lifted off my shoulders and back once I did that.

Just this week I reached out to my former employer and friend, Rona Bartelstone.  Rona gave me so much love and support when I was certain that I deserved to be shunned and punished. Besides all the lessons about geriatric care management, she taught me all about the gift of forgiveness.  This week she helped me write / edit my submission for a workshop I want to do on dementia care for other social workers. It is all done on line through NASW of New Jersey so I can give out continuing education credits for attendees. The process for the proposal is long and cumbersome. It is challenging for me to take what I have been doing seamlessly for many years and translate that into words in an organized manner so that others can understand and learn how to do what I do.

I am so grateful for all the people who love who did not have to love me. You figure your family is sort of obligated to love you and of course there are wounds when they don't know how, but others still can open their hearts to you. I have been totally blessed in that regard. Patrice McDonald was the first to step up when I was lost and lonely back in 1971-72. My mother had died a few years earlier when I was 12 ( February 1969) and my father had moved me miles away from friends and family by the time I was 13 ( June 1969) and then he married someone who was cold and clearly not interested in knowing or loving me ( February 1970)  So I become a 4th McDonald daughter. That is how I got my training in being a good Catholic and that looks can kill when they come from an Irish mother like Kitty McDonald. Elbows off the table, napkins on the lap and please pass that or this and thank you very much were clearly expected behavior 100% of the time. So I shipped up rather than out.

My survival instincts continued as I attached myself to others along the way waiting for my prince charming to show up and rescue me.  And we all know that ended badly when Bob asked for a divorce 6 months after we got married.

The take away message from all this is at least 2 points. #1- ASK FOR HELP!  #2- Everything that you need to survive is available if you are willing to look for it.

And most importantly, I am sending a sincere warm thank you to all who love me because your love carried me through my darkest hours and it still does. No matter how small you think your warm smile has been, it and you matter to me. ALWAYS!