Silver Linings Playbook, Movie Mike, 12-12-12

On friday morning, I was all set to write a blog about how happy I am and how well things went when I went for my bi- annual medical check up with my primary care doctor when I received some very upsetting news. A friend of mine known affectionately as Movie Mike around my family, took his own life last Sunday, February 19, 2017 at the age of 47. I had not seen him or heard from him in quite sometime and I wrongly assumed that it was because he had outgrown the need for our friendship.

Mike and I met one day when I was running late into a movie that I had heard about and really wanted to see; which was Silver Linings Playbook as the lead character was recently released from a psychiatric facility and the movie was filmed around Philadelphia. My release from a psychiatric hospital had been just 5 years earlier.  I went after work and drove from Stratford to the westside of Cherry Hill at rush hour. I knew that there were would be lots of previews so I tried not to stress myself driving there. When I finally got to the theatre, there was only 3 other people in the theatre for this 5:20 pm showing on 12-12-12.  As I turned the corner of the darkened room, a heard a voice call out and say- "It just started, you didn't miss anything".  That was Mike, and I said thanks and took a seat.

After the movie was over, as we were walking through the lobby, he asked me and one of the other people in the theatre, if we wanted to go catch a drink at Fridays just across the parking lot. The other person said no thanks, he had somewhere to go and I thought, oh what the hell- it is just across the parking lot, what could happened in such a public space anyway.  And there, at the bar, over a drink and some appetizers, Michael Freda and I exchanged our stories of what attracted us to the movie. He had suffered with depression on and off for most of his adult life but it had gotten much worse since his career fumbled and he had become sad and lost, feeling unwanted and unlovable.  I told him my story initially very briefly but as our friendship grew I told him more and more and even took him to the site where my family saved me and to where I had originally planned to go (which was the JCC camps in Medford that does not get cell service but there were workman there that day and big machines dredging the lake and I could not get into the premises so I had to come up with an alternative.)  Mostly, I talked about how I got well and what was keeping me well.

He was working at Seasons 52 as a bartender and was unhappy there because he felt it was less than what he was capable of and also felt he was overlooked for a promotion.  I had tried to get him back into marketing within the senior caregiver community.  I took him to some networking meetings and made a few introductions for him. He once had been successful in pharmaceutical sales while living in Chicago - Over the following months, we did lots of fun things together. He was easy and wonderful to hang out with for me. I had never gotten along with any man as well as I got along with Michael.  We both wondered if it was because there was no romance between us or if it was because I was almost 15 years his senior. It was so relaxing for me and him to talk or not and do things together without stress. We were a breath of fresh air and respite for one another. He wanted so much to live life happy and carefree.  I was an example of recovery.

He lived with his twin brother Bob and a younger brother Jonathan in Audubon. His mother and father were divorced and his mother had already died. His father lived near the Jersey shore with his 2nd wife and their daughter.  He had another brother still living in Florida and Michael had once lived in Florida too and that held bad memories for him as he had lost money on a real estate deal gone bad. He was a member of a church, had a strong sense of right and wrong and held those beliefs very strongly. I continued to try and help him get his mental health stronger and get his life in order. Most importantly, I tried to give him what I knew he needed most, which was HOPE.  Nothing seals the deal more than loss of hope for any one considering suicide.

Then things went from bad to worse for Michael.  He had girl trouble. One in love with him for years but he did not share any romantic feelings for her and another he just met but did not seem 100 % right either-  his twin, Bob got married to his 2 nd wife and then Michael got fired from Seasons 52. Mike's hold on reality started to slip a little. He started seeing meaning in designs in the sidewalk outside his house and other things too.  I would try to warn him how dangerous it was to let his thoughts go to that place. He understood that he would have to make other living arrangements soon as his brother had moved to Pennsylvania after his wedding but he thought he had time. His twin, Bob was a physicians assistant with had a good career so he was carrying the overwhelming cost of living at the house in Audubon where they all had been living.  Without warning, on the first wedding anniversary, Bob took his own life with a gun. Mike fought for over a year to hold on and turn that magically corner after that tragedy. He found a place to live- a rented room in Marlton with a sister of a friend, but he never felt comfortable there and stayed mostly in his room.   He got a fairly decent job which paid his bills.  Also, he really liked one of his coworkers and got close to his family. His love life remained sad and conflicted as he broke the hearts of both women. He grew to feel that no woman in their right mind would want him as he could not be a good provider among many other flaws he believed he had and he no longer could see his own goodness. He was in treatment with a psychiatrist and a therapist.  He was taking medication.  I learned that he did go to the workplace of one of the women a month before he died but she refused to talk with him.  His mental illness had frightened her away as she did not have the skills and strength to cope with any more than what was already on her plate. And then, he finally surrendered to the feeling of hopelessness on Sunday February 19, 2017 when he jumped off the New River Gorge Bridge.

I know his suffering had to be enormous because we talked about suicide from time to time and he basically said he was chicken.  We both knew that nothing would be worse than doing something awfully hard and then not dying like jumping in front of a train or speeding truck on the turnpike....... and end up physically disabled as well as anxious and depressed still.

His body was cemented and his memorial was yesterday at the New Covenant Community Church in Audubon NJ.  I cried and cried not because Michael is no longer here but because how much pain and suffering he had to be in in order for him to jump. That final act was certainly one of last resort for him. He had tried everything else without success and just could not take it anymore. I will always love you Michael and ache for the innocent loss of your life. As sophisticated as our medical care is, it is surely lacking when it comes to the treatment for all diseases of the brain.

I know the bridge that Michael chose. Madison and I went Whitewater rafting there when she was about 9 years old on the way to visit Nana Jackie and Poppy Jaybird in Tennessee. As usual, I made a trip into a vacation.  We had a great time and I remembered thinking how scary the bridge was because it was so high up. Being afraid of heights myself, I could not even look down from the restaurant that was perched above the Gauley River.  I also remember thinking it was a magnificent piece of construction and architecture and brought back a newsletter about the history of the bridge and "Bridge Day".  I realize that the choice to die on a Sunday, the Lord's day, for Michael was also deliberate as he was a believer to the end.


The stone  which the builders rejected
Has become  the chief corner stone.
This is  the LORD’s doing;
It is marvelous  in our eyes.
This is the day  which the LORD  has made;
Let us rejoice  and be glad  in it.
O LORD,  do save,  we beseech Thee;
O LORD,  we beseech Thee,  do send prosperity!
Blessed  is the one  who comes  in the name  of the LORD;
We have blessed You  from the house  of the LORD.
The LORD  is God,  and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice  with cords  to the horns  of the altar.
Thou art my God,  and I give thanks  to Thee;
Thou art my God,  I extol Thee.
Give thanks  to the LORD,  for He is good;
For His lovingkindness  is everlasting.

For those of you who will be attending Bridge Day for the first time, you are being treated to something most people do not get to experience. Pedestrian traffic is not allowed on the surface of the New River Gorge Bridge at any time—except on Bridge Day, the third Saturday in October. The distance you have to walk to get from one side of the Bridge to the other may astound you. The main span of the Bridge is 1,700 feet long, and the total length of the Bridge is around 3,030 feet long. That is quite a walk. It is also a walk that is special for yet another reason. The Bridge you are walking on is actually 876 feet above the rapids of the New River. This may not seem very tall since you just walked 3,030 feet across the Bridge, but do not just push that number aside. We could move the Washington Monument underneath the New River Gorge Bridge and still have 325 feet left of empty space between the two. This makes the New River Gorge Bridge a perfect location for the BASE jumpers and rappellers that take advantage of the Bridge Day festivities.

Most of the 22,000 tons of structural steel for the Bridge Project was fabricated at the American Bridge Division's Ambridge, Pa., plant. All of the structural steel used for the New River Gorge Bridge is USS COR-TEN Steel, which oxides with age and gives the Bridge its dark russet color. More than 88 million pounds of steel and concrete were incorporated into the structure of the New River Gorge Bridge.  The New River Gorge Bridge took three years to complete and cost nearly 37 million dollars. Construction began on the Bridge in June of 1974, and was completed on October 22, 1977.  Because of the chosen arch design and the depth of the gorge, steel was moved into position by trolleys running on cables that spanned the gorge.  The New River Gorge  bridge is 876 feet above the New River and is 3,030 feet in length. It is the second largest single span steel arch in the Western Hemisphere, and the highest vehicle carrying bridge in the United States.  West Virginia residents voted for the New River Gorge Bridge to be featured on their state quarter in 2005.

Doing What Is Hard

I am finding life so interesting  and exciting. Today Emie gave birth to a little girl named Charlotte Rey weighing in at 6 lbs and 10 oz.  I am so happy to to be a great Aunt again.  Charlie and Janet left this morning-- received photos just a little bit ago-- she is a cutie alright.  Dark hair and a Levey nose!!!

And I have been working on getting healthier and losing weight and as of today, I have lost 17 lbs. When I hit just under 20 lbs weight loss, I will have lost 3 Charlottes. It is hard to imagine that my bones and muscles have been carrying that much extra weight all these years to equal 3 healthy babies.  The odd thing is that I do not look or feel different yet. Yes I do have less pain in my knee but that is about it..... and maybe I can get out of the bathtub a bit easier. So if my math is correct- I will loose about 11 babies by the time I am done at 7 lbs a baby equaling 77 lbs.  That would put me at 172. That is what I weighed in high school when I was only a little bit fat. So I think I will set that as my goal........ So I actually have 2 goals, The first one is to get under 200 which I hope to do by July 1...... which will be averaging about 8 lbs a month---- Which seems very doable-- And then to get down to 172.  I just have to eat very wisely and do a lot of not eating.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Today I am making Broccoli and Cauliflower soup in my Crockpot.  Had some juice greens after I got home from Yoga and am about to soak in the tub.  I have even been able to turn down my FREE offer from Panera for the month of February- a Free bagel of any kind this entire month. - exactly what I do NOT need!! I am so keenly aware of the pull in my brain. The words FREE and Bagel are irritating to me but I choose to no longer sabotage my goals---- I choose not to become disabled before I even retire. I choose not to become a burden to my daughter. I choose to ignore Panera's offer.

It is very clear that for me ( I know not for everybody) that I get to choose what kind of body and health I live with these days.  For so many years, the idea of trying again was too hard as my fear of failure was intensive and limiting. The idea of doing this again was so damn intimating. I knew for certain how long the journey would be and the kind of sacrifices I would need to make and the triggers I would have to watch out for and I knew it took energy, focus, commitment and that I would experience many storms along the way.  I might as well have been asked to cross the Grand Canyon on a simple suspension bridge.  I would have preferred to pull out my own teeth with a pair of pliers.

I suppose that fear of failure keep many people paralyzed from trying to do things that are hard.  That really is not me. I am brave and courageous.  I am a fighter for my health.  So you can only imagine how hopeless and awful I was feeling when I gave up when I suffered with a clinical depression. I really saw no way out but the one I chose at that time.  Other kinds of relief were not visible. Please try and refrain for judging those who take their own lives.  You know not what they feel and think. And believe me, love has nothing to do with it.  I knew I was loved and I loved many others. I just could not bear to live anymore. And now that is all I want..... to live free of pain and suffering of any kind. So I am committed to this road of weight loss and resisting emotional eating.

FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.

I think I love Fridays- I just got home from Hot yoga and I feel good. One of the master yoga teachers was at the school today and taught a special extra class where he went over some principles and  how he has personally adapted some things for safety purposes and it was challenging for me. Clearly I am the oldest and the fattest in the class but it matters none. Some poses are very strenuous and when I go to change from one to another, it is  awkward and I get behind the group but it does not keep me from doing the best I can. I will go to another extra class tomorrow morning that he is teaching - I could not pass up the opportunity to work with a Master teacher. and he was so kind and encouraging. 
I think it must be in our DNA- not to pass up an opportunity for fun and something special. FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.   I had it since I was a little girl falling asleep at the top of the steps trying to hear what the grown ups were talking about when my parents would have parties.  It is a theme in my family- Maryann knows about it too -- that is why she and I went to hear David Mason back stage at the Palladium back in 1978.  My daughter has the same trait- Madison is off in Las Vegas this weekend with her college friends celebrating someone's birthday.  
Since I have been working with older people, I learned at a young age that no one every regrets what they do ONLY what they don't do.  Speaking of work, this week I called up my former boss Rona Bartelstone and asked if she was traveling to any conferences in the near future and sure enough, she is- In May she is going to  the Aging Life Conference in San Antonio Texas so guess what- SO AM I !!!!! Even though it is a little pricey - work said YES. YIPPEE YI YO KAYAH ( I Am Old Cowhand From The Rio Grande )

Time to say good-night- I need a bath and some juice !!! Lots of Love, Happy Healthy Nancy


Jimmy Barkan

Jimmy Barkan is a master yoga teacher certified by Ghosh’s College of India, Calcutta, India in 1981. He is considered to be one of the pioneers of yoga in the United States, practicing long before yoga became popular and mainstream. Jimmy began his yoga career under the guidance and wisdom of Bikram Choudhury and was honored when he became known as Bikram’s Most Senior Teacher, an accomplishment very few have since obtained. Jimmy’s first yoga studio opened in Fort Lauderdale, Florida in January 1983, Plantation, Florida in 2001 and Boca Raton Florida in 2012.

The Method

The Barkan Method is a style of Hatha Yoga that originated from a lineage in Calcutta, India. The Barkan Method finds its roots from this lineage in Calcutta, but also integrates postures from other styles of Yoga to create variations and even greater range of motion. The yoga classes are practiced in a heated room to stretch and strengthen various areas of the body. The practice brings vital balance and restores all systems to optimal health. Consistency will create a physical, mental and spiritual harmony that will be felt in all areas of the practitioner's life.

I Think I Actually Might Make It!

Okay - I think I can do this.  It has been 14 days and I have lost 10 lbs.   10 down, 80 to go!  I think I will write every time I loose 10 pounds so you might hear from me every 3 or 4 weeks.

Getting into a new routine was difficult especially since in the middle of trying to do that I dealt with finding foster homes for 4 cats which required lots of phone calls, text messages, emails, traveling back and forth, here and there as they needed physical examinations, shots and certificates.  My social work skills came into good use.  The good part of all of that was that I could ignore politics for a few days.

I have rejoined  my yoga studio, Original Hot Yoga in Voorhees. It has already made a big difference in my pain level. My knee is almost completely healed and my lower back pain is 75% gone. My mobility has improved tremendously as I can get in and out of my bathtub much more easily now. I am going to invest in a tub rail though for safety purposes and peace of mind. My nephew is scouting around his office in case there is one laying around that was designed by his firm.

I have been having a date with myself every Friday night. I make it to the Library II on Route 73 for a salad bar on their Happy Hour which cost all of $9. (3:30 to 6 pm) It includes many of my favorites- romaine, beets, asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, cauliflower, chick peas, hearts of palm, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, blue cheese crumbles, green and black olives, fresh spinach, tomatoes, - there is lots more but nothing else I am interested in but for those of you who would like a salad, you can not beat it- Green pepper, cucumbers corn salad, pasta salad,  onions, iceberg, black and red beans, chopped egg, turkey chunks, diced ham and much more. They have 4 different kinds of fresh bread, 4 different kinds of cheese and a variety of fresh fruit as well.

After that I am off to the movies. This week I saw "Fences" which was very good and horribly sad. Life can break anyone of us. We all hurt and bleed. Remarkably acted by the entire cast. I used to see a movie every week back in the old days - Before I had Madison. Saturday and Sunday I go to Yoga- either at 11:30 am for 90 minutes or at 4 pm for 60 minutes. - Home to soak in the tub, lotion on skin, and have dinner and relax. I do some food shopping and cooking too on weekends and pay bills and organize my paper work.

I start each day with a shake, my medication and vitamins. I bought a really cool pill dispenser that rotates - there are 6 compartments and I just have to pour the vitamins in my hand. I just love this little convenience.  As always, thank you for listening and all your offers to help me in anyway. I know I am  truly loved by you which helps inspire me to keep up the good work.  I think I actually might make it!
"Anyone that takes several supplements will absolutely love this container. It is so easy to use and makes taking vitamins quick in the morning. I cant believe how much more compliant I have become since getting this organizer. I really should have purchased 2- one for the morning and one to use in the evening. No more having to sit down once a week and fill up a pill box which could take me 15 minutes. This container holds enough pills ( depending on the size of the pill) to last for weeks and weeks. I am thrilled with the ease it turns as well as my hands have become somewhat arthritic now that I am in my 60's. You wont be disappointed with this organizer."

Our Pets and Our Attachments

Everyone has a beginning of what it feels like to be attached and cared for........ or NOT. And then the Lord gave us "Pets"  (any domesticated or tamed animal that is kept as a companion and cared for affectionately)  When our human companions fail us, we can relay on our pets for love and comfort. From the beginning of their lives, young children will search for a pet to bring home and beg and beg until they are given a pet.  The instinct for attachment, to care and be cared for, is strong deep within us. 

I have recently spent many hours and emotional energy helping a woman separate from the unconditional love and attachment to her cats as she is now a resident of a nursing home because she has Huntington's Disease. She has a history of making her pets as valuable as children because they have served her in that manner. She once had rescued over 14 cats and gave them a home. She can easily identify them, report with detail all of their history and is patient to allow strays to come to her and warm up slowly.  (anyone who knows me, knows that warm up slowly would not apply to my temperament) I listened to story after story about which cat took care of another cat and kept it safe and who was a good mother and who was a risk for being picked up by gangs and abused. This has clearly been her purpose and I am grateful she is who she is.

I am grateful for every living animal and how they have made us better human beings. I am grateful for knowing what it feels like to be sick, either physically or emotionally, and have my pet move closer and closer to me and imply "I see you, you matter to me." I know the experience of having a sleeping cat on my lap and a full bladder in my body and my refusal to disturb the cat and break the connection so I can relive myself.  I know the comfort provided to me when I was grieving deeply for the death of my parent, when my cat would cuddle and allow me to cling to life.  I know the joy of seeing my cat come running in from the cold, feed her and take her upstairs to bed with me. I have felt the amazement of a cat finding "home", even as a kitten , after being given to another family.    
                                  
Our pets are often our first experience with vulnerability, dependency and responsibility.  They are very much like us in that they need connection. They desire intimacy and caring. They give meaning to our lives and can inspire hope. It is a mutual relationship. The internet is filled with videos of animals bursting into joy as they are reunited with their owners after a long hard separation.   There are extensive collections of one breed caring for different breed and other videos of animals lovingly working in service of those wounded and challenged by war, trauma and life.  Thank you dear creator for the pets in our lives.

And I want to thank all those whom are deeply committed to the vocation of "rescue"  (to free from confinement, danger, or evil)   because of you, I get to look good with my client and her family. But I do know the truth.  There are women and some men in the field of loving the lost and broken and unwanted pets. Many many organizations and the people who run them are devoted to this purpose- finding families for all in need of a home. 

1. "Home: the social unit formed by a family living together - a familiar or usual setting :  congenial environment; also :  the focus of one's domestic attention - home is where the heart is"

Question: "What does it mean that God gave humanity dominion over the animals?"

Answer: The word dominion means “rule or power over.” God has sovereign power over His creation and has delegated the authority to mankind to have dominion over the animals (Genesis 1:26). David reinforces this truth: “You made [mankind] rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet” (Psalm 8:6). Humanity was to "subdue" the earth (Genesis 1:28)—we were to hold a position of command over it; we were placed in a superior role and were to exercise control over the earth and its flora and fauna. Mankind was set up as the ruler of this world. All else was subjugated to him.

God’s command to subdue the earth and the animal life in it is a command to have the mastery over all of it. A true mastery (of anything) cannot be accomplished without an understanding of the thing mastered. In order for a musician to master the violin, he or she must truly understand the instrument. In order for mankind to attain mastery over the animal kingdom, we must understand the animals.

With the authority to rule comes the responsibility to rule well. There is an inherent accountability in the command to subdue the earth. Man has a duty to exercise his dominion under the authority of the One who delegated it. All authority is of God (Romans 13:1-5), and He delegates it to whomever He will (Daniel 4:17). The word subdue doesn’t have to imply violence or mistreatment. It can mean “to bring under cultivation.” 

Man is to be the steward of the earth; he is to bring the material world and all of its varied elements into the service of God and the good of mankind. The command to subdue the earth is actually part of God’s blessing on mankind. Created in the image of God, Adam and Eve were to use the earth’s vast resources in the service of both God and themselves. It would only make sense for God to decree this, since only humans were created in God’s image.

When God gave humanity dominion over the animals, it was in order to care for, tend to, and use those animals to their fullest potential in a just manner. At the time that God gave mankind dominion over the animals, humans did not eat meat (Genesis 1:29). Eating meat did not begin until after the Flood (Genesis 9:1–3), and it was at that time that animals started to fear humans. However, although God changed the way we interact with animals, in that they are now “meat,” we still bear a responsibility to treat animals humanely. Human rule over animals does not mean we have the right to mistreat or misuse those animals.

Having dominion over the animals should entail a humane management of them as the resource God has ordained them to be. We should consider that mankind was given the task (and blessing) of representing God in this world. We are the caretakers. We hold sway over all the earth, and we (bearing God’s image) bear a responsibility to act as God would. Does God misuse His creation? No. Is God unwise in His management of resources? No. Is God ever cruel or selfish or wasteful? No. Then neither should we be. Any misuse or mistreatment of God’s creation is the result of sin, not the result of following God’s original command. We must fulfill our duty to manage the earth wisely.

We Will See

Today is only Tuesday January 10, 2017 which is my third day with the shakes. Yesterday I was very tired. But I generally feel pretty good.  I am also back to Hot Yoga in Voorhees. Today was the 3rd time there and my knee is already almost 100% better- No more pain when I stand up and start to walk! Got to love that yoga.
I have a new approach to how I am viewing my eating system by Isegenix. I went through Cancer treatment right?!?!?!   Well now I am going through Obesity treatment.  So I have to be compliant with my doctor's recommendations to get well. (Btw - this spelling stuff is really hard- complaint and compliant -- there is only a very tiny difference between them and it is so easy to make a mistake and today I learned that both ways of spelling grey and gray are correct.  OH SO Confusing for me).  Anyway, I have the Berry flavor at home opened and I took chocolate to work for when I need to eat before leaving the office in the evening.  I used it before I went to my night job yesterday and it held me through 3 hours. When I got home I made a cup of broth because I was so cold.  That was yummy. Tonight I had half of a snack bar before yoga and will make a shake now, after I shower. So maybe looking at it like I am sick and need to follow this program in order to get well will be helpful.  We will see.

What A Wonderful Day and A Wonderful Life With My New Eating Program

Official Before Photos 

Today I started my new eating program to loose weight with Isagenix. My expectation is to improve my health and free myself from physical and emotional pain. I am also thrilled to be part of a team of other users of the program as I know I will need to pour my heart out as I commitment to loosing 90 lbs. Today I weigh in at 259.0 --- just a few days ago I was 256. But I did splurge knowing I was starting this program. My vision must be distorted as I don't think the photos looks too bad or as horrible as when I look in the mirror- maybe because Madison took them. I weighed between 247 and 251 when I was getting chemotherapy / radiation a year ago. So I am pleased with my ability to hold the line pretty much.

This is my third trip down "major weight loss" road. In 1981, I lost 80 lbs with Obesity Research at UPenn. Kept it off until 1994 (13 years) Blew up to 237 and lost 14 lbs to qualify to join Trevose Behavior Modification at 223 in 1997 as you could only be 80 lbs over weight to be considered safe in their program. In 2007, I went way below my goal weight ( to 138) when I got sick with clinical depression and then in January 2008, I got heart sick and started eating to comfort myself and gained lots of weight back. So the 2nd time, I kept the weight off over 11 years and have been fat now for just 8 years. I finally feel free from emotional distress so I am raring to go! May the 3rd time be the last!!!!!!!

I also returned to Hot Yoga. I got to do a speed class today at 4 pm. Stopped at market and picked up some apples and vegetables to add to my turkey and bean chili which was cooking in the crockpot On this program no red meat or dairy for the first 30 days. I have my supplements packed for work as well as apples, almonds and celery. So my hope is to be 206 by Madison's birthday, July 9, 2017 which is 6 months-- 50 lbs in 6 months is about 8-9 lbs a month. Sounds reasonable to me. It will be interesting to see how I manage while I am working because some of it takes time to prepare and I do not like eating late at night- like after yoga or my night job- but we will see how it goes- I might end up eating food for my lunch and doing a shake for dinner on those days. Anyway- that is what I am thinking now.

You know many people told me I was brave when I was getting my cancer treatment- You have no idea what kind of bravery and self acceptance and self love it takes to put this information out there. My form of Breast Cancer was much more manageable to cope with than my obesity and emotional eating. Again there is shame is being fat and feeling helpless but no shame in having cancer.