OMG - I read my post this morning and I left out a word that changes the meaning of the whole sentence- it was the word NOT- so I edited the online version but what everyone got in their box will be incorrect. - how odd is that. it ought to mean- I feel that I have lost my attractiveness by being so large.
You know I read each post several times before sending it out - looking for errors and spots for clarification but I hear myself in my head so it is hard to see what is on the page at times. I get why people need editors.
I did get finally approval for the workshops on dementia care for me to teach social workers, nurses and care managers and I am giving the seminar on Friday December 1, 2017 in Voorhees at the Mansion. It is being sponsored by Brookdale communities.
I am in the process of writing a proposal for another Alzheimer's forum given in April 2018 that I would like to participate in given by a local attorney, Jerry Rothkoff. I am also writing up an experience I had with a client who could not recognize that she was in her own house because she had be placed in assisted living for a few days and her disease interfered with her ability to fully see that she was in familiar surroundings and kept asking to go back to her home.
So I am busy professionally. Well tie to take a shower and get ready to go to work. Love you all.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
My Relationship With Food Is More Harmful Than Cancer Right Now
I just tortured myself - I am at work and could not remember how to get into my blog- supposedly, I am recognized by the blog from my personal email and my private practice email so I went on a recovery mission to go figure out what to do. It took almost an hour but I never gave up - did not even occur to me to stop and surrender to wait until I got home - My home computer goes straight to my add new post page. Not the case on my work computer.
My wonderful cousin Art recently wrote to me asking me how I was doing since I have not been on my blog lately. The truth is I love writing. I always have so much to say. And there are so many interesting topics in which to say something about. However, the one I like the least is how I am doing. Although I am seeing my oncologist tomorrow at 3:30 pm ( my bi-annual checkup) I do not emotionally connect with my cancer experience. I think because I have had so much surgery in my life, it just felt like another surgery to fix something. I don't think about my heart surgery that I had when I was 16, nor my gall bladder removal or my hernia repair. I never felt scared for my life or threatened in any way. The real issue in my life will be monitoring myself for my mood.
I get a bit nervous when I am sad or frustrated or lonely. And that can happen when I run out of steam because I work 2 jobs and like to do fun things. Which I have been doing but I have been doing them alone. I went up to see college marching bands alone.(fabulous btw) I went into Philly to hear Terry Gross interview Seth Meyers alone. I really want to go away for a few days but I do not have a travel buddy either. And I do not feel comfortable looking for companionship on a dating site because of my obesity. There, I said it. I do not feel attractive. And every recent attempt to loose weight leads me down a sad path of failure. I did buy a new book addressing this but what I really wanted was something to do with sexuality, trauma and emotional eating. The new self help book promises to be the answer. I am trying to find the motivation to tackle this life long problem and push through all my anxiety once again. Eating has truly become a place of relaxation after a hard day and it quiets my anxiety about everything except how I look and feel. I am totally aware that I am slowly shortening my life and decreasing it's quality as well.
Getting honest has also been hard. I really don't want to be an addict with food. It is too much work because I still need to eat which means I need to plan, shop and cook. None of which is fun or pleasant. I feel drained just thinking about it. To properly address this I need to be willing to make it a high priority of self care with lots of mental and physical work. Learning to do that as a child would have been much better. Learning new skills as an adult is much more challenging. I just want to cry. and I have not found good mental health providers to address this with me. I want to talk to someone that has been emotionally abandoned repeatedly during their childhood, turned to food and sex for comfort as temporary fixes and then was hurt again and again in romantic relationships and came though the other end to find themselves living in a healthy body with a functional life. And then I could get their understanding without judgment, and be mentored by them.
Yep. That is what I want, because my relationship with food will hurt me faster than any cancer will.
My wonderful cousin Art recently wrote to me asking me how I was doing since I have not been on my blog lately. The truth is I love writing. I always have so much to say. And there are so many interesting topics in which to say something about. However, the one I like the least is how I am doing. Although I am seeing my oncologist tomorrow at 3:30 pm ( my bi-annual checkup) I do not emotionally connect with my cancer experience. I think because I have had so much surgery in my life, it just felt like another surgery to fix something. I don't think about my heart surgery that I had when I was 16, nor my gall bladder removal or my hernia repair. I never felt scared for my life or threatened in any way. The real issue in my life will be monitoring myself for my mood.
I get a bit nervous when I am sad or frustrated or lonely. And that can happen when I run out of steam because I work 2 jobs and like to do fun things. Which I have been doing but I have been doing them alone. I went up to see college marching bands alone.(fabulous btw) I went into Philly to hear Terry Gross interview Seth Meyers alone. I really want to go away for a few days but I do not have a travel buddy either. And I do not feel comfortable looking for companionship on a dating site because of my obesity. There, I said it. I do not feel attractive. And every recent attempt to loose weight leads me down a sad path of failure. I did buy a new book addressing this but what I really wanted was something to do with sexuality, trauma and emotional eating. The new self help book promises to be the answer. I am trying to find the motivation to tackle this life long problem and push through all my anxiety once again. Eating has truly become a place of relaxation after a hard day and it quiets my anxiety about everything except how I look and feel. I am totally aware that I am slowly shortening my life and decreasing it's quality as well.
Getting honest has also been hard. I really don't want to be an addict with food. It is too much work because I still need to eat which means I need to plan, shop and cook. None of which is fun or pleasant. I feel drained just thinking about it. To properly address this I need to be willing to make it a high priority of self care with lots of mental and physical work. Learning to do that as a child would have been much better. Learning new skills as an adult is much more challenging. I just want to cry. and I have not found good mental health providers to address this with me. I want to talk to someone that has been emotionally abandoned repeatedly during their childhood, turned to food and sex for comfort as temporary fixes and then was hurt again and again in romantic relationships and came though the other end to find themselves living in a healthy body with a functional life. And then I could get their understanding without judgment, and be mentored by them.
Yep. That is what I want, because my relationship with food will hurt me faster than any cancer will.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Not too late for my DREAMS to come true
It has been awhile since I have made the time to write. Mostly because I am working 2 jobs and when I get home at night I do not want to sit at the computer and write. On the weekends I want to be outside now that it is summer. Today I am home doing some chores and wanted to write before I go sit outside. I have a couple of goals between now and my retirement that I have been working towards- But before I go into to that, let me catch you up. All my blood work and health screens are good. I am still fat which is a whole story unto itself. I am exploring barriers to weight loss especially when it comes to being a trauma survivor. I will be attending a workshop with the author of the "Body Keeps the Score" at Kirpalu in October 2017.
Work is excellent as I got approved to be able to give continuing professional education credits to other social workers for teaching them how to do what I do with caregivers of loved ones with dementia. I also received a very small merit raise. My private practice has grown through word of mouth and I am also working with couples as well as individuals. Madison went on Birthright to Israel and loved the experience and reported that it was better than she expected as it was different than when she went at 16- Actually, she is different and therefore the benefits were enormous for her.
I have taken to living alone quite well. ( I do have 2 cats) I do not feel lonely or sad about that. I am very busy and have many professional relationships that I enjoy and have been trying to cultivate some into personal friendships as well but it is tough at this age. Many of my professional colleagues, already have well established friendships and are quite busy themselves. I do most social activities by myself. Last night I went to a live podcast in Philadelphia at a club called Ruba.
The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
- Presenter: Bessel van der Kolk
- Presenter: Licia Sky
Work is excellent as I got approved to be able to give continuing professional education credits to other social workers for teaching them how to do what I do with caregivers of loved ones with dementia. I also received a very small merit raise. My private practice has grown through word of mouth and I am also working with couples as well as individuals. Madison went on Birthright to Israel and loved the experience and reported that it was better than she expected as it was different than when she went at 16- Actually, she is different and therefore the benefits were enormous for her.
I have taken to living alone quite well. ( I do have 2 cats) I do not feel lonely or sad about that. I am very busy and have many professional relationships that I enjoy and have been trying to cultivate some into personal friendships as well but it is tough at this age. Many of my professional colleagues, already have well established friendships and are quite busy themselves. I do most social activities by myself. Last night I went to a live podcast in Philadelphia at a club called Ruba.
Every week, Mark Gagliardi and Hal Lublin take the dumb issues
in life that people care strongly about and settle the argument once and
for all. No topic is too small or insignificant for them to dissect and
decide! Whatever minutiae you argue with friends and family, don’t
worry: We Got This.
Have a topic for a future episode of We Got This? Email Mark and Hal at WeGotThisPodcast@gmail.com, tweet them at @wegotthistweets or join their Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/wegotthispodcast.
While at that podcast taping, I experienced that I live in small world when it comes to being weird, strange, unusual or different. There is a much bigger world out there that live on a edge that I could not imagine before hand. In comparison I am pretty mainstream. The experience allowed me to open my soul even wider to let go of judgments and assumptions about the "other". It got me wondering if I could allow myself to unleash my social conventions if I would become even stranger than I already am and am I who I am because I desired acceptance to fit in and belong or in fact I am completely true to myself. In other words, how much of who I am is truly me rather than who I decided I needed to be in order to belong. I do remember at a young age- wishing to be normal which of course meant- go to college, fall in love, get married, buy a house and raise a family, go on vacations, save money, take care of one another, do volunteer work and be a good citizen, neighbor and friend. etc. That was the script I thought was best and I wanted it. Of course it did not turn out that way and there have been times that I thought I failed. I worked hard to cope with that feeling and finally was able to let it go. Fortunately, I now live in a world where the scripts are many and some are far reaching. Nice and simply- truly, unless I am in prison for life, I have not failed.
Which brings me full circle to my dreams for retirement planning. Goal #1- Stay alive until I am 66.25 years old- (don't die before I retire). Goal #2- have zero balances on all my credit cards. Goal #3- sell everything I can and rent an seaside apartment in the Caribbean for one year. #4- Return to USA an buy a place in Ventnor, NJ and put it in Madison's name with a life estate to me. #5- See the USA in my Chevrolet and trailer.
While at that podcast taping, I experienced that I live in small world when it comes to being weird, strange, unusual or different. There is a much bigger world out there that live on a edge that I could not imagine before hand. In comparison I am pretty mainstream. The experience allowed me to open my soul even wider to let go of judgments and assumptions about the "other". It got me wondering if I could allow myself to unleash my social conventions if I would become even stranger than I already am and am I who I am because I desired acceptance to fit in and belong or in fact I am completely true to myself. In other words, how much of who I am is truly me rather than who I decided I needed to be in order to belong. I do remember at a young age- wishing to be normal which of course meant- go to college, fall in love, get married, buy a house and raise a family, go on vacations, save money, take care of one another, do volunteer work and be a good citizen, neighbor and friend. etc. That was the script I thought was best and I wanted it. Of course it did not turn out that way and there have been times that I thought I failed. I worked hard to cope with that feeling and finally was able to let it go. Fortunately, I now live in a world where the scripts are many and some are far reaching. Nice and simply- truly, unless I am in prison for life, I have not failed.
Which brings me full circle to my dreams for retirement planning. Goal #1- Stay alive until I am 66.25 years old- (don't die before I retire). Goal #2- have zero balances on all my credit cards. Goal #3- sell everything I can and rent an seaside apartment in the Caribbean for one year. #4- Return to USA an buy a place in Ventnor, NJ and put it in Madison's name with a life estate to me. #5- See the USA in my Chevrolet and trailer.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
I Value Kindess Above All Else
It has been so long since I written that I almost forgot how to sign in and start. Well I have been extremely busy in many different ways. San Antonio was wonderful and it was such a pleasure to hang out with Rona. My soul was nourished by the experience and I found a renewed strength in myself as well. I love the way she loves me. In some critical ways, she taught me how to love- love myself and others. I will always be grateful for what we have together.
The flight went well both ways and I wore my sleeve without any discomfort. I walked for long distances looking at everything- I like seeing and doing new things.
This week, I saw my Radiation Oncologist, Dr. John Wilson and will get my 6 month mammography on my left breast next Friday the 9th. I was suppose to do it in April he said. "OOOPPS", I said. He said they like to do mammography every 6 months for the first 2 years. Gosh- I think it is better to do them every 6 months after the first 2 years - after all, I would think the further away I am from the chemo (aka poison) and radiation, the more likely a re-occurrence. But who am I to judge. I hit my first anniversary of taking my estrogen suppressing medication on May 5. One down, four to go.
He also asked if I do self breast exams and I said no. He was glad I was honest. He said I should. I am not big on shoulds. He gave me a hang tag for my shower to remind myself.
Next week I am having my 5 year colonoscopy. Seeing an allergist in August and had a little something taken off from the skin on my chest earlier this month. I think that is it.
Professionally I got some great news. My proposal to give Licensed Clinical Social Workers CEUs for Dementia Care: Coping Without Regret: Avoiding Caregiver Pitfalls workshop got approved with just a few minor corrections / additions. So I approached a local assisted living in the area to see if they want me to give the talk there in September 2017. I am very excited and I will also submit it to give it at the NASW annual conference in May 2018 for the state of New Jersey.
I spent today doing too many errands and fulfilling my responsibilities when I would rather be at home doing nothing these days. Doing chores is hard work. And the list is endless. I dugout an old shrub and planted a new Rhododendron bush. I even got it a bag of special soil for the thing- I hope it is happy. Wish me luck.
I called my friend and handyman Bob, cause one of my toilets is broken and my kitchen sink is leaking. (I put a small bucket under there) So now I can't wait too much longer to get things fixed around the house. Picked up new solar lights for the front garden and a new CO2 detector. Another should- "replace every 7 to 10 years"- last one was installed 1996. Another OOOPPS.
I am having a ball with Facebook. I love watching what everyone is doing and what they like and dislike. Seeing political views of people I went to high school is amazing. Who knew who would become what they are. Life is so interesting isn't it. The truth for me is I really don't care what people think as long as they are happy and healthy. No one needs to agree with me nor do I need to see things their way. Not everyone I asked to be my friend on Facebook accepted. No need to seek other's approval. Live and let live!! I do know for myself, I only want to kind. If I do nothing else with the rest of my life but be kind I will be very pleased with myself! 💗💗💗
The flight went well both ways and I wore my sleeve without any discomfort. I walked for long distances looking at everything- I like seeing and doing new things.
This week, I saw my Radiation Oncologist, Dr. John Wilson and will get my 6 month mammography on my left breast next Friday the 9th. I was suppose to do it in April he said. "OOOPPS", I said. He said they like to do mammography every 6 months for the first 2 years. Gosh- I think it is better to do them every 6 months after the first 2 years - after all, I would think the further away I am from the chemo (aka poison) and radiation, the more likely a re-occurrence. But who am I to judge. I hit my first anniversary of taking my estrogen suppressing medication on May 5. One down, four to go.
He also asked if I do self breast exams and I said no. He was glad I was honest. He said I should. I am not big on shoulds. He gave me a hang tag for my shower to remind myself.
Next week I am having my 5 year colonoscopy. Seeing an allergist in August and had a little something taken off from the skin on my chest earlier this month. I think that is it.
Professionally I got some great news. My proposal to give Licensed Clinical Social Workers CEUs for Dementia Care: Coping Without Regret: Avoiding Caregiver Pitfalls workshop got approved with just a few minor corrections / additions. So I approached a local assisted living in the area to see if they want me to give the talk there in September 2017. I am very excited and I will also submit it to give it at the NASW annual conference in May 2018 for the state of New Jersey.
I spent today doing too many errands and fulfilling my responsibilities when I would rather be at home doing nothing these days. Doing chores is hard work. And the list is endless. I dugout an old shrub and planted a new Rhododendron bush. I even got it a bag of special soil for the thing- I hope it is happy. Wish me luck.
I called my friend and handyman Bob, cause one of my toilets is broken and my kitchen sink is leaking. (I put a small bucket under there) So now I can't wait too much longer to get things fixed around the house. Picked up new solar lights for the front garden and a new CO2 detector. Another should- "replace every 7 to 10 years"- last one was installed 1996. Another OOOPPS.
I am having a ball with Facebook. I love watching what everyone is doing and what they like and dislike. Seeing political views of people I went to high school is amazing. Who knew who would become what they are. Life is so interesting isn't it. The truth for me is I really don't care what people think as long as they are happy and healthy. No one needs to agree with me nor do I need to see things their way. Not everyone I asked to be my friend on Facebook accepted. No need to seek other's approval. Live and let live!! I do know for myself, I only want to kind. If I do nothing else with the rest of my life but be kind I will be very pleased with myself! 💗💗💗
Sunday, April 30, 2017
It Is Time To Wear My Sleeve
I am going to San Antonio Texas early Tuesday morning to attend a conference with the Aging Life Care Association formerly known as Geriatric Care Managers. So here I am having a relaxing Sunday thinking of every thing I need to pack for this trip and wondering how I can do it with much less shoes than I want to bring along. As I am laying my belongings out on my bed, I remember that I need a headband for yoga. And it hits me when I go into my drawer for my hair thingamajigs, that I need to wear my sleeve.
Since I had 3 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm, I went through lymphedema prevention with an occupational therapist. And of course she had a sleeve made just for me. The pressure of flying can trigger swelling which does not sound too bad but I have seen that it can be painful and not always go away. So believe it or not, I am going to do what I was told to do and wear it. The good news is that mine is very beautiful. Swirls of bright colors along with a very pretty bird (see below) - it almost looks like a gorgeous tattoo. So me and my beautiful hair are going to go flying and hopefully get in some walking, yoga and pool time in too.
Since I had 3 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm, I went through lymphedema prevention with an occupational therapist. And of course she had a sleeve made just for me. The pressure of flying can trigger swelling which does not sound too bad but I have seen that it can be painful and not always go away. So believe it or not, I am going to do what I was told to do and wear it. The good news is that mine is very beautiful. Swirls of bright colors along with a very pretty bird (see below) - it almost looks like a gorgeous tattoo. So me and my beautiful hair are going to go flying and hopefully get in some walking, yoga and pool time in too.
“The No. 1 predictor of who gets lymphedema is the size of the arm to start with,” he said. “Women who have a larger arm size should still be careful, and I think there’s still some value in wearing a compressive sleeve on long flights.” It may be more common if radiation is given after surgery.
You may notice lymphedema for the first time during or just after one of the following events:
- Injury
- Infection
- Burn
- Strenuous activity
- Significant weight gain
- Air travel (because of pressure changes)
Wear a compression garment or low-stretch lymphedema bandage when you travel in an airplane. The compression garment should extend to your hand, even if you usually use one that ends at your wrist. If you’re wearing compression garments for the first time, you should test them before your flight.
- Make sure the garment is comfortable enough to wear the entire flight.
- Make sure the garment doesn’t cause new swelling in your hand or arm.
BOTTOM LINE The risk of lymphedema from flying appears to be small.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Ram Tough - That Is Me
I feel so good I almost feel great. I am 61, been treated for breast cancer, am overweight and feel strong. My mind is well as I can think clearly and I am less reactive to unpleasant situations than I ever used to be. Madison is fine but our beloved convertible got hit from behind which threw her into the back of a cement truck - All this happened last week in East Falls, just down the street from the apartment as she was going to work. She was completely stopped and a SEPTA bus hit the car behind her which then lunged forward into Madison's rear, lifting it up in the air and shoved her forward into the back of the cement truck- Needless to say, the car is totaled since it was a 2002. The front crash missed the bumper all together and the hood and engine crunched under the truck 's rear. Not a pretty site at all. Many people were quick to point out how lucky we were that no one was hurt. Which is true of course. I loved that car and Madison was so looking forward to driving it this summer. Fortunately, she and Brian were sharing her car and his car was back home, so they went and got it and now they will share his car until she gets a newer used car. Hopefully by now, they are sitting pretty at an all inclusive resort in Montego Bay Jamaica. They planned this trip months ago. I hope the weather holds out for them. I told her- if the sun is up in the morning- go outside! because it is likely to rain the afternoon.
I will be traveling soon too. I am off to an Aging Life Conference in San Antonio Texas. I will be there for Cinco deMayo. My friend and colleague, Rona will be there too. I am looking forward to at least one day in the sun, sitting by the rooftop pool. I selected to go to this conference just so I could see Rona. She is a wonderful loving friend and I am so looking forward to our visit.
Also, I am submitting a workshop for approval for CEUs to NASW - New Jersey on how to help caregivers of loved ones with dementia. My private practice has gotten busy too.
I have been able to get hot yoga between 2 and 3 times a week. Boy oh boy, does that ever make a difference. I love seeing my body change for the better- stronger, more flexible and so much better balance. I have been taking my time with making my body smaller. I still like to eat my food rather than drink it. I have held off the 22 pounds that I lost and I am back on track seriously. It is hard as life is too much fun.
In fact, this weekend I am going to a comedy show in support of our troops and Dena Blizzard is the headliner. She was the MC at Madison's Miss New Jersey contest in 2012. Very funny lady. My girl friend Rebecca is going with me to the Ritz playhouse in Oaklyn. Last week I drove up to North Jersey to see 2 mediums- they were excellent and then I stayed over at Caren's house before coming home to get ready for the garage sale. That turned out to be fun day with the family but a flop as far as a sale goes in getting rid of my stuff. The weather turned on us and not too many people came out for it.
As much as I like being busy, I am also eager to rest while I am away and explore the area at my own pace rather than meeting deadlines all the time. I enjoyed the winter for that very reason. Less to do, less places to go and less outside work. I was going to write that it is true- "for everything there is a season", better make the most of it. But then I looked it up and it said there is a season "to hate" because the song is based on a part from the New Testament. I wont accept that hate is necessary. It is a poor choice. And I will leave it at that.
I will be traveling soon too. I am off to an Aging Life Conference in San Antonio Texas. I will be there for Cinco deMayo. My friend and colleague, Rona will be there too. I am looking forward to at least one day in the sun, sitting by the rooftop pool. I selected to go to this conference just so I could see Rona. She is a wonderful loving friend and I am so looking forward to our visit.
Also, I am submitting a workshop for approval for CEUs to NASW - New Jersey on how to help caregivers of loved ones with dementia. My private practice has gotten busy too.
I have been able to get hot yoga between 2 and 3 times a week. Boy oh boy, does that ever make a difference. I love seeing my body change for the better- stronger, more flexible and so much better balance. I have been taking my time with making my body smaller. I still like to eat my food rather than drink it. I have held off the 22 pounds that I lost and I am back on track seriously. It is hard as life is too much fun.
In fact, this weekend I am going to a comedy show in support of our troops and Dena Blizzard is the headliner. She was the MC at Madison's Miss New Jersey contest in 2012. Very funny lady. My girl friend Rebecca is going with me to the Ritz playhouse in Oaklyn. Last week I drove up to North Jersey to see 2 mediums- they were excellent and then I stayed over at Caren's house before coming home to get ready for the garage sale. That turned out to be fun day with the family but a flop as far as a sale goes in getting rid of my stuff. The weather turned on us and not too many people came out for it.
As much as I like being busy, I am also eager to rest while I am away and explore the area at my own pace rather than meeting deadlines all the time. I enjoyed the winter for that very reason. Less to do, less places to go and less outside work. I was going to write that it is true- "for everything there is a season", better make the most of it. But then I looked it up and it said there is a season "to hate" because the song is based on a part from the New Testament. I wont accept that hate is necessary. It is a poor choice. And I will leave it at that.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Gratitude
It feels like Spring today. All my windows are open and I am going to clean up around the house today so I can go to the Cherry blossom festival in Philly tomorrow.
Well folks, it has been sometime since I wrote you and part of that is nothing too exciting was going on. But I am happy to fill you in on whatever I am thinking. For starters, my curly hair has started to change back to what I was born with so the evidence of chemotherapy is slowly leaving my body. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to say to people who ask me how I am feeling because I have never felt "bad" because of my cancer. The treatment was not pleasant but overall, I never got sick from the cancer- I guess if I had, I would not likely be here. It is almost 1 years since I started my hormone (estrogen) reducing oral medication (05-05-2016) which I will take for another 4 years. Next Friday, I will see my medical oncologist.( the one who concocts the poison formula)
One of the things I learned or had reinforced during this experience is how important support really is. Having my friends Carol, Shari, Karen and Maureen to talk to about their experiences and what to expect helped ground me and made coping so much easier than it would have been otherwise. Fortunately, I learned a long time ago that it is okay to ask for support and help. My husband Philip's addiction got me to my knees back in the 80's and I crawled my way to an Nar-Anon meeting. Back then I was ashamed and scared almost all the time. I did finally surrender and learned I could cope with life as it is rather than wishing for something different. I no longer had to be alone anymore either and I could own that I did not have all the answers. The world was lifted off my shoulders and back once I did that.
Just this week I reached out to my former employer and friend, Rona Bartelstone. Rona gave me so much love and support when I was certain that I deserved to be shunned and punished. Besides all the lessons about geriatric care management, she taught me all about the gift of forgiveness. This week she helped me write / edit my submission for a workshop I want to do on dementia care for other social workers. It is all done on line through NASW of New Jersey so I can give out continuing education credits for attendees. The process for the proposal is long and cumbersome. It is challenging for me to take what I have been doing seamlessly for many years and translate that into words in an organized manner so that others can understand and learn how to do what I do.
I am so grateful for all the people who love who did not have to love me. You figure your family is sort of obligated to love you and of course there are wounds when they don't know how, but others still can open their hearts to you. I have been totally blessed in that regard. Patrice McDonald was the first to step up when I was lost and lonely back in 1971-72. My mother had died a few years earlier when I was 12 ( February 1969) and my father had moved me miles away from friends and family by the time I was 13 ( June 1969) and then he married someone who was cold and clearly not interested in knowing or loving me ( February 1970) So I become a 4th McDonald daughter. That is how I got my training in being a good Catholic and that looks can kill when they come from an Irish mother like Kitty McDonald. Elbows off the table, napkins on the lap and please pass that or this and thank you very much were clearly expected behavior 100% of the time. So I shipped up rather than out.
My survival instincts continued as I attached myself to others along the way waiting for my prince charming to show up and rescue me. And we all know that ended badly when Bob asked for a divorce 6 months after we got married.
The take away message from all this is at least 2 points. #1- ASK FOR HELP! #2- Everything that you need to survive is available if you are willing to look for it.
And most importantly, I am sending a sincere warm thank you to all who love me because your love carried me through my darkest hours and it still does. No matter how small you think your warm smile has been, it and you matter to me. ALWAYS!
Well folks, it has been sometime since I wrote you and part of that is nothing too exciting was going on. But I am happy to fill you in on whatever I am thinking. For starters, my curly hair has started to change back to what I was born with so the evidence of chemotherapy is slowly leaving my body. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to say to people who ask me how I am feeling because I have never felt "bad" because of my cancer. The treatment was not pleasant but overall, I never got sick from the cancer- I guess if I had, I would not likely be here. It is almost 1 years since I started my hormone (estrogen) reducing oral medication (05-05-2016) which I will take for another 4 years. Next Friday, I will see my medical oncologist.( the one who concocts the poison formula)
One of the things I learned or had reinforced during this experience is how important support really is. Having my friends Carol, Shari, Karen and Maureen to talk to about their experiences and what to expect helped ground me and made coping so much easier than it would have been otherwise. Fortunately, I learned a long time ago that it is okay to ask for support and help. My husband Philip's addiction got me to my knees back in the 80's and I crawled my way to an Nar-Anon meeting. Back then I was ashamed and scared almost all the time. I did finally surrender and learned I could cope with life as it is rather than wishing for something different. I no longer had to be alone anymore either and I could own that I did not have all the answers. The world was lifted off my shoulders and back once I did that.
Just this week I reached out to my former employer and friend, Rona Bartelstone. Rona gave me so much love and support when I was certain that I deserved to be shunned and punished. Besides all the lessons about geriatric care management, she taught me all about the gift of forgiveness. This week she helped me write / edit my submission for a workshop I want to do on dementia care for other social workers. It is all done on line through NASW of New Jersey so I can give out continuing education credits for attendees. The process for the proposal is long and cumbersome. It is challenging for me to take what I have been doing seamlessly for many years and translate that into words in an organized manner so that others can understand and learn how to do what I do.
I am so grateful for all the people who love who did not have to love me. You figure your family is sort of obligated to love you and of course there are wounds when they don't know how, but others still can open their hearts to you. I have been totally blessed in that regard. Patrice McDonald was the first to step up when I was lost and lonely back in 1971-72. My mother had died a few years earlier when I was 12 ( February 1969) and my father had moved me miles away from friends and family by the time I was 13 ( June 1969) and then he married someone who was cold and clearly not interested in knowing or loving me ( February 1970) So I become a 4th McDonald daughter. That is how I got my training in being a good Catholic and that looks can kill when they come from an Irish mother like Kitty McDonald. Elbows off the table, napkins on the lap and please pass that or this and thank you very much were clearly expected behavior 100% of the time. So I shipped up rather than out.
My survival instincts continued as I attached myself to others along the way waiting for my prince charming to show up and rescue me. And we all know that ended badly when Bob asked for a divorce 6 months after we got married.
The take away message from all this is at least 2 points. #1- ASK FOR HELP! #2- Everything that you need to survive is available if you are willing to look for it.
And most importantly, I am sending a sincere warm thank you to all who love me because your love carried me through my darkest hours and it still does. No matter how small you think your warm smile has been, it and you matter to me. ALWAYS!
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