Busy
evening. I have preparing for the storm. No not the snow silly. The
pain, being uncomfortable and a little suffering. This time is expected
to possibly be a little worse. More type of side effects with greater
intensively. I would have liked to have read "For Dummies: How to Prepare to have Chemotherapy Treatment for Breast Cancer ".
So
tonight I have been preparing to not be available to function for a few
days and nights. I had to go through my food cabinets and make room for
real food in my kitchen. I reorganized my pantry which meant I needed
to make room elsewhere near the kitchen for stuff. It is
important to get extremely organized before getting sick. The world
outside of me needs to be easy accessible to me. Almost planning to be
temporarily disabled. Or maybe it is the same you do before you go on a
long vacation. Getting your home organized, make your return as pleasant
as possible. Take of bills in advance. Change all the linens. Figure
out how to handle,trash, mail etc. I did not plan well to experience
temporary disability. Wow. What a great concept. "This too shall pass".
It
would have been lovely if once upon a time I knew that my despair and
panic would fall into the category of "this too shall pass". It would
have been wonderful if I could have know "this too shall pass" when the
only route out of my suffering was to go away. Exit. Escape. Leave. I
must find a way. I cannot take more of this. How the hell can I do this.
I was alone in my head with all my emotions. Very dangerous place for
anyone to be.
My
experience with cancer has been greatly influenced by my experience
with my clinical depression. Sad that this great outlook that I am
sharing, was built on the heart and soul of my depression. What a
horrible way to develop such a positive attitude. In that light, my
experience with Phil and his addiction helped prepare me too. Everything
I learned in 12 step programs changed my life for the better for my
entire life. Totally changed the trajectory of my life. God loved me so
much he sent a wonderful man
who was also an addict who wanted to be with me very badly for some
unknown never disclosed reason. ( I was.... well, let's say, when Phil
meet me, I was - very attractive and very needy and FUN, of course). A "Wicked" combination.
If
I did not know better. I would say that maybe everything in life
happens for a reason even when we have no clue of what that could
possibly be. We take what we are given and do our best and then let go. I
believe my friends and family aka, guys and gals, that is simply what
faith is. Faith is the willingness to embrace acceptance that not
one single human being is running the whole big show, it is, in fact,
beyond any one of us, there is no safety and we are free to chose to
surrender to a higher power without proof and complete understanding of
those mysteries. YEP--- sounds like faith to me.
You are deeply loved by your creator and me.
Always, with an open heart,
Nancy
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