I Am Adorable- So They Tell Me

My hair has finally become my hair and I no longer refer to it as my chemo hair. My roots are coming in straight and I have these adorable curls at the end and it is so easy to manage and let it go wherever it wants. It is at that stage when I would get a permanent in the 80's and 3 months later it would be perfect. Yesterday, Maureen trimmed my bangs/ top of my head which seems to get heavy quick and all of you know how much I do not like my hair near my eyes. 

I learned that Dena Blizzard- One Funny Mother is actually her first cousin once removed- which means that their mothers are first cousins. Dena will be on stage as part of a fund raiser for Veterans at the end of April and I purchased 2 tickets. They are performing at the Ritz playhouse in Haddon Township. Please join in the fun! 

Date/Time- 04/29/2017, 7:00 pm
Location - Ritz Theatre, 915 White Horse Pike, Haddon Township, 
Event Description -  Support South Jersey veterans by enjoying an evening of comedy featuring the former Miss NJ, with Ron Kelly, Bob Marsdale and Tommy Highland.

The event will also include small plate snacks, a veteran’s-themed art exhibit and a cash bar featuring local wine and beer.   Doors open 7pm, show 8pm. Tickets $22.50 in advance, $27/50 at the door. Visit https://secure.wcit.net/ritztheatreco/remote.list_shows.php .
Sponsored by the Courier-Post, Ritz Theatre Company, One Funny Mother, Humor Hound, SLK Partners, Sanders Home Services and Camden County

I just came from seeing my colon doctor- it has been 5 years since my last game of "I spy with my eye" up your colon. Gave him all my health updates and am waiting for them to call me to set it up. Something must be wrong with me as I do not mind the prep- neither the drinking the concoction or emptying out of my body. It will be nice to learn that there is no signs of cancer in my colon- When I did genetic testing I learned  that the 2 kinds of cancer are can be genetically related.  

I guess this is a season for medical check ups- saw the eye doctor last week as my computer reading glasses did not seem strong enough anymore- They like to get you in there every year for a check up but it had been 2 or 3 which seems plenty enough for me. My script changed slightly so I am waiting for my new glasses and one of my old frames to be fitted with new lens - Distance has not changed thank goodness.  When I saw my primary care physician, she was thrilled as my cholesterol was only 175- the lowest it has been in 6 plus years. YAY for me. I take a small amount of a statin 3 times a week. But my weight loss program really sent it down.

So I am turning 61 in a few more days. Poor Madison and Brian. Every day I have been sending them reminders of our vacation from last year.  Best vacation ever. No vacation this year. all my resources are in the house- replaced Heating A/C and Hot Water Heater. Oh well.

Sometimes My Life Feels So Strange

Sometimes my life feels so strange. Clusters of chaotic energy come from nowhere- pushing me in all directions- leaving me gasping for down time to breathe. Little time for regaining balance between each hit. Thank goodness, my experience with rooms of recovery in Florida helped me learn to embrace the flow without needing to question why this or that. Trusting that it will all work out in the end.  I only need to live one day at a time or even one minute at a time.  That is what the last week or two has been like for me.

First, I attended Michael's memorial service and weeped for his agony.  I let my desire to hold him and tell him that I loved him over take me. Just allowing myself to feel that deep hurt and loss, wanting to talk with him over a glass of wine....... moments shared kept flashing before me as I shuttered in the permanence of his life now being over.

Then my heater stopped working and I got estimates on replacing the system along with my air conditioner and hot water heater as my house is 35 years old.  I had to resist pressure from different salesmen when I made my final choice to go with Elite owned by Eric Levy. I spent time and energy figuring out the best way to pay for all this considering that I have no savings and am still very much in credit card debt and also have monthly car payments until January 2018. Finally decided to do an 18 month low interest loan on my Discover card that I can pay back at $250 a month and be done in the nick of time.  

Then there were several phone calls from people with loved ones that needed education and guidance regarding aging life choices. On top of that, another group of calls, emails and text messages came in from private clients who needed my input for decisions on how to handle challenges in their lives.

I also devoted time to reading and editing my section in Rachel's book that she is writing.  In this book, as a call for action, she is committed to demonstrating the necessity of extensive research in brain health in order to provide better care for people with mental illness because it is not about them - it is about all of us- as innocent sufferers who often get lost and disappear due to the ignorance and neglect of our health care providers and system.

Getting to hot yoga, getting to my second job, meetings over lunch, straightening up the house so cleaners could work, coordinating installation of new HVAC system with my work hours, setting up routine oil change only to learn soon after my arrival, I absolutely needed 4 new tires and front brakes too. Use a loaner car and get to work.  Perform at my regular job as a geriatric medical social worker on a dementia evaluation team at a local medical school which includes running a Huntington disease support group the first Wednesday evening of every month.  Completing application to attend the Aging Life Association conference in San Antino the first week of May 2017 so I can visit with Rona too and celebrate Cinco de Mayo together in Texas!  Make airline and hotel reservations and get it all approved in time for early registration. Choosing to help friends with rides home from hospital and baby sitting for an adolescent son with autism. These are the activities that have consumed my days and nights in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Trying to remember to send out birthday wishes to friends and family, all the while sticking to a diet plan, drinking plenty of water, taking my medication twice a day, got my blood work done. And oh yes, create a power point presentation ready for Monday to give at Lourdes hospital and prepare another one for the residents of Brookdale Voorhees on how to treat those less fortunate than oneself with kindness, after all, they live in the same community as the rest of you and deserve to be there without being bullied for being sick.

So you can imagine a few things about me now. I am not very good at staying in touch by telephone with friends although staying close to them matters a great deal to me. But above all else, I must have a healthy fully functional brain at all times, in order to maintain the high degree of performance that my life requires of me. I can never allow myself to become depressed again. Any disease developing in my brain will not allow me to do all that I do. I am blessed.

"You is kind.  You is smart. You is important."   Aibileen Clark, The Help ~ Kathryn Stockett

"Naked and Afraid" or Warm and Cozy Under the Covers! You choose !!

I found new meaning in the expression "Naked and Afraid" I know it is a tv show about survival. But it also about how I approach my scale at times.  I have lost 20 lbs as of today.  This program is allowing me to change my relationship with food. I am looking at food less and less and I am satisfied with less of it as well. It is starting to allow me to become more honest. There is nothing magical about food and emotional eating. It is a temporary solution to a permanent problem which can be one of many things.  I can make poor choices because I am bored or because I want to be nice to myself thinking I deserve a treat.  I can overeat because I am sad or because I am celebrating. I think my favorite reasons for making poor choices is because I am tired. Eating keeps me awake when I ought to just go to sleep. Slowing, my food choices are coming back into line with my overall goals in life.  Which is to live a healthy life of peace and well being and be of service to others.

My life has become very interesting since the beginning of the year. There are others I am helpful to in a few different respects but I am also able to honor my own limits and priorities. I have the freedom to do as I wish now too. I am enjoying being an empty nester. I got to baby sit for a few friends and family. I got to run errands for someone who was getting out of the hospital and bring her home. I go to hot yoga  about 3 times a week. I see friends for lunch and go to movies- either alone with a friend.  I catch up with my daughter from time to time and visit with her in Philly.  I love getting photos on my smart phone from family and friends and reading Facebook too.  I am very content. Both of my jobs are going extremely well.

At this moment, I am surprised at myself. Last week, I started shopping for a new Heating and A/C system because mine is over 35 years old...... as old as the house..... which I have owned for 20 plus years. I got 2 estimates. The first guy was here last Saturday so I turned off the system because it was so beautiful out. And the next day when I went to turn it back on , the fan motor said "NO THANK YOU.  I AM DONE NOW".  The 3 rd company is a company that I used before- Eric Levy from Elite Heating and A/C.  And he is my final choice for many reasons and he won't be able to fit me in until sometime next week- He mostly does commercial work now.  So I'm home tonight while it is freezing outside without any heat and I am calm.  No worries. It will get fixed when it gets fixed. No anxiety.

Although I am a little uncomfortable, I am managing. It will be warmer on Sunday and next week. I only have to be cold for 36 to 48 hours I am guessing.  So I will take a hot bath and I do have an electric bed warmer aka mattress pad.  As always, it was good talking to you- good night and sweet dreams.

Silver Linings Playbook, Movie Mike, 12-12-12

On friday morning, I was all set to write a blog about how happy I am and how well things went when I went for my bi- annual medical check up with my primary care doctor when I received some very upsetting news. A friend of mine known affectionately as Movie Mike around my family, took his own life last Sunday, February 19, 2017 at the age of 47. I had not seen him or heard from him in quite sometime and I wrongly assumed that it was because he had outgrown the need for our friendship.

Mike and I met one day when I was running late into a movie that I had heard about and really wanted to see; which was Silver Linings Playbook as the lead character was recently released from a psychiatric facility and the movie was filmed around Philadelphia. My release from a psychiatric hospital had been just 5 years earlier.  I went after work and drove from Stratford to the westside of Cherry Hill at rush hour. I knew that there were would be lots of previews so I tried not to stress myself driving there. When I finally got to the theatre, there was only 3 other people in the theatre for this 5:20 pm showing on 12-12-12.  As I turned the corner of the darkened room, a heard a voice call out and say- "It just started, you didn't miss anything".  That was Mike, and I said thanks and took a seat.

After the movie was over, as we were walking through the lobby, he asked me and one of the other people in the theatre, if we wanted to go catch a drink at Fridays just across the parking lot. The other person said no thanks, he had somewhere to go and I thought, oh what the hell- it is just across the parking lot, what could happened in such a public space anyway.  And there, at the bar, over a drink and some appetizers, Michael Freda and I exchanged our stories of what attracted us to the movie. He had suffered with depression on and off for most of his adult life but it had gotten much worse since his career fumbled and he had become sad and lost, feeling unwanted and unlovable.  I told him my story initially very briefly but as our friendship grew I told him more and more and even took him to the site where my family saved me and to where I had originally planned to go (which was the JCC camps in Medford that does not get cell service but there were workman there that day and big machines dredging the lake and I could not get into the premises so I had to come up with an alternative.)  Mostly, I talked about how I got well and what was keeping me well.

He was working at Seasons 52 as a bartender and was unhappy there because he felt it was less than what he was capable of and also felt he was overlooked for a promotion.  I had tried to get him back into marketing within the senior caregiver community.  I took him to some networking meetings and made a few introductions for him. He once had been successful in pharmaceutical sales while living in Chicago - Over the following months, we did lots of fun things together. He was easy and wonderful to hang out with for me. I had never gotten along with any man as well as I got along with Michael.  We both wondered if it was because there was no romance between us or if it was because I was almost 15 years his senior. It was so relaxing for me and him to talk or not and do things together without stress. We were a breath of fresh air and respite for one another. He wanted so much to live life happy and carefree.  I was an example of recovery.

He lived with his twin brother Bob and a younger brother Jonathan in Audubon. His mother and father were divorced and his mother had already died. His father lived near the Jersey shore with his 2nd wife and their daughter.  He had another brother still living in Florida and Michael had once lived in Florida too and that held bad memories for him as he had lost money on a real estate deal gone bad. He was a member of a church, had a strong sense of right and wrong and held those beliefs very strongly. I continued to try and help him get his mental health stronger and get his life in order. Most importantly, I tried to give him what I knew he needed most, which was HOPE.  Nothing seals the deal more than loss of hope for any one considering suicide.

Then things went from bad to worse for Michael.  He had girl trouble. One in love with him for years but he did not share any romantic feelings for her and another he just met but did not seem 100 % right either-  his twin, Bob got married to his 2 nd wife and then Michael got fired from Seasons 52. Mike's hold on reality started to slip a little. He started seeing meaning in designs in the sidewalk outside his house and other things too.  I would try to warn him how dangerous it was to let his thoughts go to that place. He understood that he would have to make other living arrangements soon as his brother had moved to Pennsylvania after his wedding but he thought he had time. His twin, Bob was a physicians assistant with had a good career so he was carrying the overwhelming cost of living at the house in Audubon where they all had been living.  Without warning, on the first wedding anniversary, Bob took his own life with a gun. Mike fought for over a year to hold on and turn that magically corner after that tragedy. He found a place to live- a rented room in Marlton with a sister of a friend, but he never felt comfortable there and stayed mostly in his room.   He got a fairly decent job which paid his bills.  Also, he really liked one of his coworkers and got close to his family. His love life remained sad and conflicted as he broke the hearts of both women. He grew to feel that no woman in their right mind would want him as he could not be a good provider among many other flaws he believed he had and he no longer could see his own goodness. He was in treatment with a psychiatrist and a therapist.  He was taking medication.  I learned that he did go to the workplace of one of the women a month before he died but she refused to talk with him.  His mental illness had frightened her away as she did not have the skills and strength to cope with any more than what was already on her plate. And then, he finally surrendered to the feeling of hopelessness on Sunday February 19, 2017 when he jumped off the New River Gorge Bridge.

I know his suffering had to be enormous because we talked about suicide from time to time and he basically said he was chicken.  We both knew that nothing would be worse than doing something awfully hard and then not dying like jumping in front of a train or speeding truck on the turnpike....... and end up physically disabled as well as anxious and depressed still.

His body was cemented and his memorial was yesterday at the New Covenant Community Church in Audubon NJ.  I cried and cried not because Michael is no longer here but because how much pain and suffering he had to be in in order for him to jump. That final act was certainly one of last resort for him. He had tried everything else without success and just could not take it anymore. I will always love you Michael and ache for the innocent loss of your life. As sophisticated as our medical care is, it is surely lacking when it comes to the treatment for all diseases of the brain.

I know the bridge that Michael chose. Madison and I went Whitewater rafting there when she was about 9 years old on the way to visit Nana Jackie and Poppy Jaybird in Tennessee. As usual, I made a trip into a vacation.  We had a great time and I remembered thinking how scary the bridge was because it was so high up. Being afraid of heights myself, I could not even look down from the restaurant that was perched above the Gauley River.  I also remember thinking it was a magnificent piece of construction and architecture and brought back a newsletter about the history of the bridge and "Bridge Day".  I realize that the choice to die on a Sunday, the Lord's day, for Michael was also deliberate as he was a believer to the end.


The stone  which the builders rejected
Has become  the chief corner stone.
This is  the LORD’s doing;
It is marvelous  in our eyes.
This is the day  which the LORD  has made;
Let us rejoice  and be glad  in it.
O LORD,  do save,  we beseech Thee;
O LORD,  we beseech Thee,  do send prosperity!
Blessed  is the one  who comes  in the name  of the LORD;
We have blessed You  from the house  of the LORD.
The LORD  is God,  and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice  with cords  to the horns  of the altar.
Thou art my God,  and I give thanks  to Thee;
Thou art my God,  I extol Thee.
Give thanks  to the LORD,  for He is good;
For His lovingkindness  is everlasting.

For those of you who will be attending Bridge Day for the first time, you are being treated to something most people do not get to experience. Pedestrian traffic is not allowed on the surface of the New River Gorge Bridge at any time—except on Bridge Day, the third Saturday in October. The distance you have to walk to get from one side of the Bridge to the other may astound you. The main span of the Bridge is 1,700 feet long, and the total length of the Bridge is around 3,030 feet long. That is quite a walk. It is also a walk that is special for yet another reason. The Bridge you are walking on is actually 876 feet above the rapids of the New River. This may not seem very tall since you just walked 3,030 feet across the Bridge, but do not just push that number aside. We could move the Washington Monument underneath the New River Gorge Bridge and still have 325 feet left of empty space between the two. This makes the New River Gorge Bridge a perfect location for the BASE jumpers and rappellers that take advantage of the Bridge Day festivities.

Most of the 22,000 tons of structural steel for the Bridge Project was fabricated at the American Bridge Division's Ambridge, Pa., plant. All of the structural steel used for the New River Gorge Bridge is USS COR-TEN Steel, which oxides with age and gives the Bridge its dark russet color. More than 88 million pounds of steel and concrete were incorporated into the structure of the New River Gorge Bridge.  The New River Gorge Bridge took three years to complete and cost nearly 37 million dollars. Construction began on the Bridge in June of 1974, and was completed on October 22, 1977.  Because of the chosen arch design and the depth of the gorge, steel was moved into position by trolleys running on cables that spanned the gorge.  The New River Gorge  bridge is 876 feet above the New River and is 3,030 feet in length. It is the second largest single span steel arch in the Western Hemisphere, and the highest vehicle carrying bridge in the United States.  West Virginia residents voted for the New River Gorge Bridge to be featured on their state quarter in 2005.

Doing What Is Hard

I am finding life so interesting  and exciting. Today Emie gave birth to a little girl named Charlotte Rey weighing in at 6 lbs and 10 oz.  I am so happy to to be a great Aunt again.  Charlie and Janet left this morning-- received photos just a little bit ago-- she is a cutie alright.  Dark hair and a Levey nose!!!

And I have been working on getting healthier and losing weight and as of today, I have lost 17 lbs. When I hit just under 20 lbs weight loss, I will have lost 3 Charlottes. It is hard to imagine that my bones and muscles have been carrying that much extra weight all these years to equal 3 healthy babies.  The odd thing is that I do not look or feel different yet. Yes I do have less pain in my knee but that is about it..... and maybe I can get out of the bathtub a bit easier. So if my math is correct- I will loose about 11 babies by the time I am done at 7 lbs a baby equaling 77 lbs.  That would put me at 172. That is what I weighed in high school when I was only a little bit fat. So I think I will set that as my goal........ So I actually have 2 goals, The first one is to get under 200 which I hope to do by July 1...... which will be averaging about 8 lbs a month---- Which seems very doable-- And then to get down to 172.  I just have to eat very wisely and do a lot of not eating.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Today I am making Broccoli and Cauliflower soup in my Crockpot.  Had some juice greens after I got home from Yoga and am about to soak in the tub.  I have even been able to turn down my FREE offer from Panera for the month of February- a Free bagel of any kind this entire month. - exactly what I do NOT need!! I am so keenly aware of the pull in my brain. The words FREE and Bagel are irritating to me but I choose to no longer sabotage my goals---- I choose not to become disabled before I even retire. I choose not to become a burden to my daughter. I choose to ignore Panera's offer.

It is very clear that for me ( I know not for everybody) that I get to choose what kind of body and health I live with these days.  For so many years, the idea of trying again was too hard as my fear of failure was intensive and limiting. The idea of doing this again was so damn intimating. I knew for certain how long the journey would be and the kind of sacrifices I would need to make and the triggers I would have to watch out for and I knew it took energy, focus, commitment and that I would experience many storms along the way.  I might as well have been asked to cross the Grand Canyon on a simple suspension bridge.  I would have preferred to pull out my own teeth with a pair of pliers.

I suppose that fear of failure keep many people paralyzed from trying to do things that are hard.  That really is not me. I am brave and courageous.  I am a fighter for my health.  So you can only imagine how hopeless and awful I was feeling when I gave up when I suffered with a clinical depression. I really saw no way out but the one I chose at that time.  Other kinds of relief were not visible. Please try and refrain for judging those who take their own lives.  You know not what they feel and think. And believe me, love has nothing to do with it.  I knew I was loved and I loved many others. I just could not bear to live anymore. And now that is all I want..... to live free of pain and suffering of any kind. So I am committed to this road of weight loss and resisting emotional eating.

FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.

I think I love Fridays- I just got home from Hot yoga and I feel good. One of the master yoga teachers was at the school today and taught a special extra class where he went over some principles and  how he has personally adapted some things for safety purposes and it was challenging for me. Clearly I am the oldest and the fattest in the class but it matters none. Some poses are very strenuous and when I go to change from one to another, it is  awkward and I get behind the group but it does not keep me from doing the best I can. I will go to another extra class tomorrow morning that he is teaching - I could not pass up the opportunity to work with a Master teacher. and he was so kind and encouraging. 
I think it must be in our DNA- not to pass up an opportunity for fun and something special. FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.   I had it since I was a little girl falling asleep at the top of the steps trying to hear what the grown ups were talking about when my parents would have parties.  It is a theme in my family- Maryann knows about it too -- that is why she and I went to hear David Mason back stage at the Palladium back in 1978.  My daughter has the same trait- Madison is off in Las Vegas this weekend with her college friends celebrating someone's birthday.  
Since I have been working with older people, I learned at a young age that no one every regrets what they do ONLY what they don't do.  Speaking of work, this week I called up my former boss Rona Bartelstone and asked if she was traveling to any conferences in the near future and sure enough, she is- In May she is going to  the Aging Life Conference in San Antonio Texas so guess what- SO AM I !!!!! Even though it is a little pricey - work said YES. YIPPEE YI YO KAYAH ( I Am Old Cowhand From The Rio Grande )

Time to say good-night- I need a bath and some juice !!! Lots of Love, Happy Healthy Nancy


Jimmy Barkan

Jimmy Barkan is a master yoga teacher certified by Ghosh’s College of India, Calcutta, India in 1981. He is considered to be one of the pioneers of yoga in the United States, practicing long before yoga became popular and mainstream. Jimmy began his yoga career under the guidance and wisdom of Bikram Choudhury and was honored when he became known as Bikram’s Most Senior Teacher, an accomplishment very few have since obtained. Jimmy’s first yoga studio opened in Fort Lauderdale, Florida in January 1983, Plantation, Florida in 2001 and Boca Raton Florida in 2012.

The Method

The Barkan Method is a style of Hatha Yoga that originated from a lineage in Calcutta, India. The Barkan Method finds its roots from this lineage in Calcutta, but also integrates postures from other styles of Yoga to create variations and even greater range of motion. The yoga classes are practiced in a heated room to stretch and strengthen various areas of the body. The practice brings vital balance and restores all systems to optimal health. Consistency will create a physical, mental and spiritual harmony that will be felt in all areas of the practitioner's life.

I Think I Actually Might Make It!

Okay - I think I can do this.  It has been 14 days and I have lost 10 lbs.   10 down, 80 to go!  I think I will write every time I loose 10 pounds so you might hear from me every 3 or 4 weeks.

Getting into a new routine was difficult especially since in the middle of trying to do that I dealt with finding foster homes for 4 cats which required lots of phone calls, text messages, emails, traveling back and forth, here and there as they needed physical examinations, shots and certificates.  My social work skills came into good use.  The good part of all of that was that I could ignore politics for a few days.

I have rejoined  my yoga studio, Original Hot Yoga in Voorhees. It has already made a big difference in my pain level. My knee is almost completely healed and my lower back pain is 75% gone. My mobility has improved tremendously as I can get in and out of my bathtub much more easily now. I am going to invest in a tub rail though for safety purposes and peace of mind. My nephew is scouting around his office in case there is one laying around that was designed by his firm.

I have been having a date with myself every Friday night. I make it to the Library II on Route 73 for a salad bar on their Happy Hour which cost all of $9. (3:30 to 6 pm) It includes many of my favorites- romaine, beets, asparagus, snow peas, broccoli, cauliflower, chick peas, hearts of palm, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, blue cheese crumbles, green and black olives, fresh spinach, tomatoes, - there is lots more but nothing else I am interested in but for those of you who would like a salad, you can not beat it- Green pepper, cucumbers corn salad, pasta salad,  onions, iceberg, black and red beans, chopped egg, turkey chunks, diced ham and much more. They have 4 different kinds of fresh bread, 4 different kinds of cheese and a variety of fresh fruit as well.

After that I am off to the movies. This week I saw "Fences" which was very good and horribly sad. Life can break anyone of us. We all hurt and bleed. Remarkably acted by the entire cast. I used to see a movie every week back in the old days - Before I had Madison. Saturday and Sunday I go to Yoga- either at 11:30 am for 90 minutes or at 4 pm for 60 minutes. - Home to soak in the tub, lotion on skin, and have dinner and relax. I do some food shopping and cooking too on weekends and pay bills and organize my paper work.

I start each day with a shake, my medication and vitamins. I bought a really cool pill dispenser that rotates - there are 6 compartments and I just have to pour the vitamins in my hand. I just love this little convenience.  As always, thank you for listening and all your offers to help me in anyway. I know I am  truly loved by you which helps inspire me to keep up the good work.  I think I actually might make it!
"Anyone that takes several supplements will absolutely love this container. It is so easy to use and makes taking vitamins quick in the morning. I cant believe how much more compliant I have become since getting this organizer. I really should have purchased 2- one for the morning and one to use in the evening. No more having to sit down once a week and fill up a pill box which could take me 15 minutes. This container holds enough pills ( depending on the size of the pill) to last for weeks and weeks. I am thrilled with the ease it turns as well as my hands have become somewhat arthritic now that I am in my 60's. You wont be disappointed with this organizer."