Mike and I met one day when I was running late into a movie that I had heard about and really wanted to see; which was Silver Linings Playbook as the lead character was recently released from a psychiatric facility and the movie was filmed around Philadelphia. My release from a psychiatric hospital had been just 5 years earlier. I went after work and drove from Stratford to the westside of Cherry Hill at rush hour. I knew that there were would be lots of previews so I tried not to stress myself driving there. When I finally got to the theatre, there was only 3 other people in the theatre for this 5:20 pm showing on 12-12-12. As I turned the corner of the darkened room, a heard a voice call out and say- "It just started, you didn't miss anything". That was Mike, and I said thanks and took a seat.
After the movie was over, as we were walking through the lobby, he asked me and one of the other people in the theatre, if we wanted to go catch a drink at Fridays just across the parking lot. The other person said no thanks, he had somewhere to go and I thought, oh what the hell- it is just across the parking lot, what could happened in such a public space anyway. And there, at the bar, over a drink and some appetizers, Michael Freda and I exchanged our stories of what attracted us to the movie. He had suffered with depression on and off for most of his adult life but it had gotten much worse since his career fumbled and he had become sad and lost, feeling unwanted and unlovable. I told him my story initially very briefly but as our friendship grew I told him more and more and even took him to the site where my family saved me and to where I had originally planned to go (which was the JCC camps in Medford that does not get cell service but there were workman there that day and big machines dredging the lake and I could not get into the premises so I had to come up with an alternative.) Mostly, I talked about how I got well and what was keeping me well.
He was working at Seasons 52 as a bartender and was unhappy there because he felt it was less than what he was capable of and also felt he was overlooked for a promotion. I had tried to get him back into marketing within the senior caregiver community. I took him to some networking meetings and made a few introductions for him. He once had been successful in pharmaceutical sales while living in Chicago - Over the following months, we did lots of fun things together. He was easy and wonderful to hang out with for me. I had never gotten along with any man as well as I got along with Michael. We both wondered if it was because there was no romance between us or if it was because I was almost 15 years his senior. It was so relaxing for me and him to talk or not and do things together without stress. We were a breath of fresh air and respite for one another. He wanted so much to live life happy and carefree. I was an example of recovery.
He lived with his twin brother Bob and a younger brother Jonathan in Audubon. His mother and father were divorced and his mother had already died. His father lived near the Jersey shore with his 2nd wife and their daughter. He had another brother still living in Florida and Michael had once lived in Florida too and that held bad memories for him as he had lost money on a real estate deal gone bad. He was a member of a church, had a strong sense of right and wrong and held those beliefs very strongly. I continued to try and help him get his mental health stronger and get his life in order. Most importantly, I tried to give him what I knew he needed most, which was HOPE. Nothing seals the deal more than loss of hope for any one considering suicide.
Then things went from bad to worse for Michael. He had girl trouble. One in love with him for years but he did not share any romantic feelings for her and another he just met but did not seem 100 % right either- his twin, Bob got married to his 2 nd wife and then Michael got fired from Seasons 52. Mike's hold on reality started to slip a little. He started seeing meaning in designs in the sidewalk outside his house and other things too. I would try to warn him how dangerous it was to let his thoughts go to that place. He understood that he would have to make other living arrangements soon as his brother had moved to Pennsylvania after his wedding but he thought he had time. His twin, Bob was a physicians assistant with had a good career so he was carrying the overwhelming cost of living at the house in Audubon where they all had been living. Without warning, on the first wedding anniversary, Bob took his own life with a gun. Mike fought for over a year to hold on and turn that magically corner after that tragedy. He found a place to live- a rented room in Marlton with a sister of a friend, but he never felt comfortable there and stayed mostly in his room. He got a fairly decent job which paid his bills. Also, he really liked one of his coworkers and got close to his family. His love life remained sad and conflicted as he broke the hearts of both women. He grew to feel that no woman in their right mind would want him as he could not be a good provider among many other flaws he believed he had and he no longer could see his own goodness. He was in treatment with a psychiatrist and a therapist. He was taking medication. I learned that he did go to the workplace of one of the women a month before he died but she refused to talk with him. His mental illness had frightened her away as she did not have the skills and strength to cope with any more than what was already on her plate. And then, he finally surrendered to the feeling of hopelessness on Sunday February 19, 2017 when he jumped off the New River Gorge Bridge.
I know his suffering had to be enormous because we talked about suicide from time to time and he basically said he was chicken. We both knew that nothing would be worse than doing something awfully hard and then not dying like jumping in front of a train or speeding truck on the turnpike....... and end up physically disabled as well as anxious and depressed still.
His body was cemented and his memorial was yesterday at the New Covenant Community Church in Audubon NJ. I cried and cried not because Michael is no longer here but because how much pain and suffering he had to be in in order for him to jump. That final act was certainly one of last resort for him. He had tried everything else without success and just could not take it anymore. I will always love you Michael and ache for the innocent loss of your life. As sophisticated as our medical care is, it is surely lacking when it comes to the treatment for all diseases of the brain.
I know the bridge that Michael chose. Madison and I went Whitewater rafting there when she was about 9 years old on the way to visit Nana Jackie and Poppy Jaybird in Tennessee. As usual, I made a trip into a vacation. We had a great time and I remembered thinking how scary the bridge was because it was so high up. Being afraid of heights myself, I could not even look down from the restaurant that was perched above the Gauley River. I also remember thinking it was a magnificent piece of construction and architecture and brought back a newsletter about the history of the bridge and "Bridge Day". I realize that the choice to die on a Sunday, the Lord's day, for Michael was also deliberate as he was a believer to the end.
The stone which the builders rejected
Has become the chief corner stone.
This is the LORD’s doing;
It is marvelous in our eyes.
This is the day which the LORD has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
O LORD, do save, we beseech Thee;
O LORD, we beseech Thee, do send prosperity!
Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the LORD;
We have blessed You from the house of the LORD.
The LORD is God, and He has given us light;
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar.
Thou art my God, and I give thanks to Thee;
Thou art my God, I extol Thee.
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good;
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
For those of you who will be attending Bridge Day for the first time, you are being treated to something most people do not get to experience. Pedestrian traffic is not allowed on the surface of the New River Gorge Bridge at any time—except on Bridge Day, the third Saturday in October. The distance you have to walk to get from one side of the Bridge to the other may astound you. The main span of the Bridge is 1,700 feet long, and the total length of the Bridge is around 3,030 feet long. That is quite a walk. It is also a walk that is special for yet another reason. The Bridge you are walking on is actually 876 feet above the rapids of the New River. This may not seem very tall since you just walked 3,030 feet across the Bridge, but do not just push that number aside. We could move the Washington Monument underneath the New River Gorge Bridge and still have 325 feet left of empty space between the two. This makes the New River Gorge Bridge a perfect location for the BASE jumpers and rappellers that take advantage of the Bridge Day festivities.
Most of the 22,000 tons of structural steel for the Bridge Project was fabricated at the American Bridge Division's Ambridge, Pa., plant. All of the structural steel used for the New River Gorge Bridge is USS COR-TEN Steel, which oxides with age and gives the Bridge its dark russet color. More than 88 million pounds of steel and concrete were incorporated into the structure of the New River Gorge Bridge. The New River Gorge Bridge took three years to complete and cost nearly 37 million dollars. Construction began on the Bridge in June of 1974, and was completed on October 22, 1977. Because of the chosen arch design and the depth of the gorge, steel was moved into position by trolleys running on cables that spanned the gorge. The New River Gorge bridge is 876 feet above the New River and is 3,030 feet in length. It is the second largest single span steel arch in the Western Hemisphere, and the highest vehicle carrying bridge in the United States. West Virginia residents voted for the New River Gorge Bridge to be featured on their state quarter in 2005.
