Wisdom is the Reward for My Persistence

Although my suicide attempt was on September 13, 2007 on the secular calendar, it will always be the first day of Rosh Hashanah that I feel the most emotionally connected to because it provided me with the opportunity to slip away. The Lord blessed me with another chance at a good and worthy life after I clearly took my will from him and I was given the chance to get well and help others because of my tragic experience.  Today I am actually going into work as I did not plan ahead enough to get the day off but I will be in prayer on Yom Kippur ...... interesting that we pray for forgiveness after we get a new beginning.  Like a reminder that it is year long commitment to behave in accordance with his intention for us and the world. 

I want  to thank all of you for letting me share my story with you, not just about my breast cancer but my entire story.  Although it may look easy to be so visible it is often hard and risky as we live in a world full of rules and judgments. I decided I am brave and full of faith that the Lord loves me and will take care of me.  I have done 3 very brave things in my life. The first was leaving Florida and returning to New Jersey so Madison could know what family was all about and be raised in a safe and loving environment.  Next , I felt brave when I swallowed 45 sleeping pills.  It was hard to do but my suffering was beyond my ability to go on and I saw no other way out. Please please know that people that take their own lives are not cowards at all. They are in fact brave and in so much despair that just breathing is anguish and torment. I truly hope the world of science make strides in treating this terrible disease and start making an investment in understanding all the sources of depression and treating it much more aggressively than they do.   And telling my full story is the third bravest thing I am doing, Letting go of shame helps me feel worthy of a good life..... that all my experiences, choices, learning, understanding has lead me to my wisdom and my ability to assist others as they struggle in their lives....... none of my wisdom came easily and I am proud of having the persistence to have discovered it, time and time again.   

Rosh Hashanah means “Head of the Year.” Just like the head controls the body, our actions on Rosh Hashanah have a tremendous impact on the rest of the year.

As we read in the Rosh Hashanah prayers, each year on this day “all inhabitants of the world pass before G‑d like a flock of sheep,” and it is decreed in the heavenly court “who shall live, and who shall die ... who shall be impoverished and who shall be enriched; who shall fall and who shall rise.”  It is a day of prayer, a time to ask the Almighty to grant us a year of peace, prosperity and blessing. But it is also a joyous day when we proclaim G‑d King of the Universe. The Kabbalists teach that the continued existence of the universe depends on G‑d’s desire for a world, a desire that is renewed when we accept His kingship anew each year on Rosh Hashanah.