I Am Wonderful No Matter What.

Well, my mother knew how to get me off her back and it does seem as if she  knew the secret on motivation for me as well. To tell me that I have to do something works against every inch of my being- tell me to do whatever I want leaves me free to choose the right thing.

I can remember arguing with my mother for some type of privilege that I wanted - like going out with my friends to the movies on a Sunday evening- a school night, and she would tell me NO--- over and over again. No matter how much she said no, I would persist with a rebuttal again and again UNTIL she said her last words on the subject- "do whatever you want, I don't care anymore".  After that I would do exactly what she wanted me to do in the first place.   Well my mother must have been visiting with my therapist Gina. Last time I saw her I told her it was just too hard to change my eating and lifestyle habits- She asked me if I really had to- I said I knew it would be good for me but it feels so hard and I am feeling like a failure and I feel like I am letting everyone down if I don't change. She then said the magic words- "You don't have to, this is still your life, do whatever you want".  We talked some more and it became clear that I deserved to be happy and not feel like a failure. Feeling like a failure over not being able to change was weighing heavy on my soul and sending me into a depression. The last time I felt like a failure, I got very sick with a clinical depression.  I was hating the idea of not feeling capable of giving myself a better quality of life and a better chance of not having a reoccurrence of the cancer.  Well, once I heard that I did not have to do the right thing for myself or to make others happy with me, I felt free- What a release to not have to do something that was feeling impossible anyway.

I left feeling happy and accepting of my limitations and willing to give myself a break. She also pointed out to me that that I was correct in my perception, making changes when I was so deeply involved with treatment was indeed too hard......  The previous 7 weeks I was at radiation every weekday at 8:15 am for my treatment and then would work a full day and 2 or more times a week I would work in the evening. Whatever I could do during that time was certainly good enough.

So here it is- almost a month after my last radiation treatment and I have been successful at resisting my number one temptation- Ice cream- whether from a dairy bar or a drive through or the grocery store, I have not had ice cream for awhile. In fact, I have not gone through a drive through other than Dunkin Donuts for coffee and a breakfast sandwich...... it might not be much of an accomplishment for some but for me it is huge.  I am making better choices when I eat out also and staying away from eating red meat (except tonight- I am having calf's liver with Janet and Charlie). Also, I have been cooking. Last week I made a crockpot dish that was a vegetable lasagna without meat or noodles. Eggplant was used for the layers- there was spinach and zucchini in it too. It had some ricotta cheese in it but it was a step in the right direction. I cut up some fresh watermelon and have been taking some with me for work too. Today I made two servings of asparagus and salmon to take to work for lunch and tomorrow morning I am putting together a vegetable and chicken curry in the crockpot. I think slow cooker cooking  will be my saving grace.

I am also feeling motivated enough to go to a hot yoga class tomorrow evening. Boy oh boy. I like knowing I can do whatever I want and that I don't have to do anything in order to be loved and accepted and good. No need to feel sad anymore. I am wonderful no matter what.