Just took an evening shower and was wondering where my body went-
this one is as confused and lost as the May weather is- I am in relation with a
strange body- Hair filling in slowly on top of my head, hair growing under one
arm and not the other, raw and red is my left breast especially underneath. New
cream added for all the areas pealing and inflamed. Prickly stubbles across my
belly......I am trans in a whole new way. New medication added to swallow every
day for 5 years. 6 more radiation treatments to the sight of the
incision. Then I wait another
6 weeks to met with a lymphedema specialist and get fitted for a
sleeve for air travel.
I always struggled to stay connected to my body ..... now it is even harder. Me living inside a body that has--- had Cancer...... And I have had so many different bodies over the years. I have weighed anywhere from 137 (only when I was so sick with major clinical depression mind you) to my high which is now at 250. For most of my adult life though I hung out between 154 and 162. My prize for loosing 80 lbs. Thank you Dr. Al Stunkard and Trevose Behavior Modification.
I want so much to take better care of myself and it is so deeply complex. Next week I meet with my own counselor again. Maybe it is not too late to find my way to a new and better body even with all the scars and reminders of breast cancer..... we can transition ourselves in becoming a healthier and stronger me. I say WE because I know it will take the cooperation, discipline and dedication of all of me to get this deviation on the right road. It will be the better parts of me that will need to dominate the lower parts. Summoning those better parts takes energy and mindfulness that is focused and determined. I know what it takes as I have done it twice before. This time - so much more is at stake and I feel under-motivated. Maybe as my body heals, and I feel well rested again, like I did on the cruise, I can become interested. I walked on the cruise, even hiked and swam. It was all so lovely. No stress. No demands and responsibilities. Nothing like real life- I guess that is why they call it a vacation.
I always struggled to stay connected to my body ..... now it is even harder. Me living inside a body that has--- had Cancer...... And I have had so many different bodies over the years. I have weighed anywhere from 137 (only when I was so sick with major clinical depression mind you) to my high which is now at 250. For most of my adult life though I hung out between 154 and 162. My prize for loosing 80 lbs. Thank you Dr. Al Stunkard and Trevose Behavior Modification.
I want so much to take better care of myself and it is so deeply complex. Next week I meet with my own counselor again. Maybe it is not too late to find my way to a new and better body even with all the scars and reminders of breast cancer..... we can transition ourselves in becoming a healthier and stronger me. I say WE because I know it will take the cooperation, discipline and dedication of all of me to get this deviation on the right road. It will be the better parts of me that will need to dominate the lower parts. Summoning those better parts takes energy and mindfulness that is focused and determined. I know what it takes as I have done it twice before. This time - so much more is at stake and I feel under-motivated. Maybe as my body heals, and I feel well rested again, like I did on the cruise, I can become interested. I walked on the cruise, even hiked and swam. It was all so lovely. No stress. No demands and responsibilities. Nothing like real life- I guess that is why they call it a vacation.
Up to 25 percent of breast cancer patients whose surgery includes removal of lymph nodes in the area of the armpit eventually develop lymphedema. The condition can also occur in the legs or other parts of the body if lymph nodes are removed in the course of other types of surgery - for melanoma, colon, prostate or bladder cancer, for example - or are damaged by radiation treatment, infection or trauma. Symptoms include swelling and pain near the site of the removed or damaged lymph nodes. Lymphedema can occur immediately after radiation therapy or surgery, or weeks, months, and even years later.
http://www.med.upenn.edu/weightloss/stunkard.html
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