So far I like cancer better than deprrssion

When I was depressed, I was not able to eat much- I wanted to eat- I am a food addict.  I had spent the prior 12 years plus waking up every single day asking for strength to get through the day with eating as little as possible without becoming angry, resentful or feeling sorry for myself. That is how I lost 80 lbs, Twice- 10 years apart and kept it off for what seemed like forever. Then I got depressed and the depression interfered with my ability to swallow. I would attempt to eat but after a few swallows, I was done. It did not matter what was on the other end of the spoon or fork, I could not get it down, where is needed to go. I would push the plate away. Poor Harold- he paid for many of meals I could not eat. Ech--- I think I might have made up for it by now.  Excuse me , I digress.

NOW I am not interested in eating too much, I am planning meals because I know I have to eat. Food is my friend. ( Can you believe I actually just said that) It will nourish and nurture me back to wellness. It is no longer my enemy. YIPEE!  It exists so I can live. It is here to serve me and honor me as I do towards my self..  I can welcome all foods to the earth for their  purpose. Some will make me sick and some will heal me. Food has been a symbol of all my struggles, for whenever I did not have enough of what I wanted or did not feel like I was enough, food was a loyal and superb substitute and so damn reliable!

NOW- I am in pain- it hurts to eat too much. My stomach is inflamed and very tender. My taste and smells are different now. I am making my self eat to save my life. And the Lord sent me cooks to boot ! 

I  long ago learned that food could not take away the old emotional pain which I no longer have. The food's usefulness in that manner,  has come and gone and is now being transformed. I am deeply grateful for the food and the over eating that keep me living even if it was completely dysfunctional. It allowed me to survive for all of my life.  My one constant that I could count on. 

"May I lay down in the valley of food and I shall not want."

"Gone- 1, 2, 3, - relief for emotional pain" - More expectations from my life that were not in my best interest- Let  go 

and then practice,  live and let live-

give every one permission to be who they are and no longer want what I do not have. Want what I have,  is God's will for me therefore it is all good. My will was seeking something not in God's plan or I would have it by now and much more easily than the way I was doing as I was struggling and heart broken. Definitely not his will for me. Poof- I let it all go. 

Again I digress-

I think Cancer will heal my relationship with food- I did not plan on that to being the sliver lining- I knew it was not going to be to count my blessings and not sweat the small stuff- Been there - Done that.  - But it kinda goes with his plan for me to be at peace. Food is my friend. ( Can you believe I actually just said that) It will nourish and nurture me back to wellness. It is no longer my enemy. YIPEE!  It exists so I can live. It is here to serve me and honor me as I do towards my self.

Cancer will support me in becoming free from a dysfunctional relationship with food ( sugar, white flour and animal proteins) and restore food to it's rightful place in my life.