I Am Strong, Flexible and Centered

I have been doing OPTAVIA now for just over 4 weeks and I am happy doing it. I am also reading a helpful book called "Hunger Fix" by Dr. Pam Peeke- I have given my self-pity a very good and lengthy run. It is over now. It is heart ache that brings me back to my old unhealthy fixes that I learned in childhood and now lie to me and tell me it is okay to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  I continued the lies and told myself that I deserved it, when what I really deserved was to be healthy and happy.  And what makes me happy is freedom of movement without pain. 

I do remember the days when I could hike and lift my legs high without moaning and groaning. I remember getting off the couch with ease too. And the body that wears my anger is still able to function pretty well even with all the insults I have thrown at it. My blood pressure is normal and my cholesterol levels are manageable with medication just 3 times a week. I fall asleep and stay asleep easily and my skin is still soft and smooth. My lungs and heart are strong. My kidneys and bladder function as they should. My hair is shinny and strong with only a small amount of gray. My hearing and vision work very well too. My energy level is excellent - enough to keep up the demands of 2 jobs. And my brain is still sharp and demonstrates its neuro-plasticity almost daily. A BIG Thank you goes to Dr. Marian Diamond. (What a brain, what a life: Marian Diamond, neuroplasticity pioneer, dies at 90, August 3, 2017)

I was watching myself suffer at my own hands for a very long time. I experienced the anguish of eating for comfort and found misery each and every time - just like every other addiction.
Emotionally I have fortified myself with a mantra- "I am all I need to be" and for my body I will have another mantra- "I am strong, flexible and centered. My creator has given me a gift of a healthy body and I will honor that gift as I honor myself. I will let myself feel loved today by the Lord and of myself. My love is visible by the way I care for myself, inside and out. "

You know, body care is a pretty big job as an American woman. We all brush our teeth and floss in between and take routine showers. But then there is the moisturizers for my face, morning and evening, and the lotion for my body and the scrub for my skin and the body butter for my feet. Shampoo and conditioner for my hair. I pluck my eyebrows and shave as need here and there. I trim my nose hair. I remove  blackheads and pimples, keep my nails clean and polish them too. I keep up with regular visits to doctors, eyes, ears, throat, dentist, primary care, gynecologist, now breast surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, Bi-annual mammography, colonoscopy every 5 years.  Get 8 hours of sleep. Drink 80 to 100 ounces of water daily. Eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Eat lean protein and plenty of healthy greens. Avoid all fried foods, starchy vegetables and fruits high in sugar.  No sugar at all and only ingest healthy fats.  Take all medication and vitamins in a timely manner as prescribed.  I practice mindfulness and get monthly massages for relaxation. Wash hands every time I touch my nose or something else dirty like a doorknob, trash can or the newspaper. And I need to move so I found that I like yoga and dance so I do that as often as I can. There! I have it now!

I now will respect my biggest trigger of all which is abandonment.  When someone closes me out of a conversation, when I need to continue it to accomplish a mutual understanding, I feel tortured endlessly. Many bad experiences I had in a relationships was when I could not talk to the other person about what I felt until there was recognition of my experience. When I feel shut out, I go nuts. It is a feeling like I don't matter that drives me to eat like there is no tomorrow. I end up believing that I am unloved for I am certain that anyone who loves me would be motivated to listen until they get me right ?!?!  I need understanding and if I don't get it, I will punish and destroy myself over and over, again and again, until I surrender. I basically dig a very big hole for myself, fall in and then hide. That is the behavior I am giving up now.... as I dig myself back out for the last time.

I am worthy 
I will give myself the life I deserve 
I am strong, flexible and centered
I am kind, loving and beautiful
I will let myself feel loved today

I honor my creator my accepting these gifts
My wisdom is the heart of all my experiences and it serves me well
I am all I need to be 

NOT Giving Up Is Hard To Do

I am learning that not giving up is such a hard thing to do. However, I have never been comfortable on the sidelines of life. I much prefer to jump in and get really wet from head to toe.

As most of your know, I am fighting with eating, food and being obese. I arrived at a place where I could no longer stand that I have been slowly taking years from my life as well as diminishing the quality and everything I had tried seemed to fail me and I would gain more weight in the process. So on FB there was a guy named Larry from Cherry Hill that was friends with other people that I am friends with on FB and he kept posting weight loss photos and comments about his "program".  So finally, I got curious enough that I messaged him to learn what his program was all about. 

I very slowly learned that what he is doing and what I have started doing is the re-branding of Medifast under

"OPTAVIA, we help you realize Lifelong Transformation, One Healthy Habit at a Time^TM. Our approach to health is radically different. We believe Optimal Health^TM and wellbeing is about what's added to your life, not what's subtracted from the scale. These habits add to your quality of life by getting your mind and body working together to work for you.  For most, it starts with achieving a healthy weight. This is the catalyst for bigger changes. When you achieve your healthy weight, you increase your health, confidence, and vitality. You create space for a bigger life. "

So I am eating prepackaged food every 2 1/2 to 3 hours- drinking water out the wazoo. I eat one regular food meal a day, which is called “lean and green, and this is my very first week.  And Larry from Cherry Hill is my coach although he is now from Maryland near Columbia.  I am very excited to get back to myself and have the life I deserve. The only thing in my way was myself- (as usual) and I am fighting for what I believe.

To support this process, I have signed up for a Trauma recovery treatment workshop given in North Jersey in January 2018. It will cost a lot of money for 3 - 9 hour days.  There will be only 5 participants in the group. But I decided that I can pay for it in several different ways like a credit card or something like that as it competes with my car insurance being due and of course, the holidays. Nonetheless, I am worth it and I am sick and tired of postponing feeling good. One of the bonuses to motivate me is my trip to Canada in May of 2018 with Diane Levad. We have booked a great lodge near Baniff and Lake Louise. I want to be able to kayak, river raft, and hike while I am up there. That is not manageable at my current weight of 255. So I am doing this one-day at a time and one week at a time and I have not weighed myself this week as I made a commitment to only weigh in once a week which will be Monday December 11.  I did have some challenges as I went out to dinner with friends and went to a baby shower at work. I am confident that my choices were ok enough. 

Moberly Lodge is located just North of Golden, British Columbia, between the Canadian Rocky Mountains and Columbia Mountain ranges and is within close proximity to five of the most stunning National Parks in Canada; Banff, Glacier, Kootenay, Mount Revelstoke and Yoho. The valley floor is home to the confluence of Kicking Horse River, famous for whitewater rafting ad the Columbia River, home to the longest protected wetlands in North America.