As I approach the end of January 2018, I am
experiencing a flood of so many emotions- A professional acquaintance, younger
than myself, recently passed away in her sleep after being seen by the medical
profession for flu like symptoms. Her memorial service is tomorrow. My contemporaries
surround me with physical aliments and threats to their livelihood and well-being.
Often, I am confronted with the vulnerability we all live with and how random
the success-failure outcome is.
Lately, I realize how much I want to live. It is
hard for me even to imagine myself ever wanting to die and yet I know for
certain that was once my strongest intention. How sick I must have been to even
consider such an action. It has been over 10 years now since my serious bout
with depression. I found a way to
embrace new dreams and discover wonderful adventures to excite me as I approach
retirement. Very few things that I once thought mattered is really that
important anymore. Although I want a condo in Ventnor City, and a Lincoln
Navigator to pull a small travel trailer, I also know without any of that, I am
fortunate because my relationships are a priority for me. I tell my loved ones
how much they mean to me until I make them nausea. I say "Thank You"
and "You Are Welcomed" routinely. I offer to help other every chance
I can. I am accountable and will easily apologize if I have been inconsiderate
or disappointed someone. And I forgive. I forgive myself, which makes it easy
to forgive others because being a human being is hard work and hurts from time
to time. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If I could use one word that
I want to be said about me it would be KIND.
Below you can read about the studies about predictors of longevity and see the
difference between kind and nice. And trust me- I ain't so nice much of the
time anymore.
The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Kind
·
You've heard the phrase, "So-and-so is a really nice
person," and probably thought nothing of it. In my work, though, I think a
lot about what it means to be "really nice" as I see a major
distinction between being nice and being genuinely kind. The way I
understand it, kindness emerges from someone who's confident, compassionate and
comfortable with themselves. A kind person is loving and giving out of the
goodness of their heart. At the root of extreme niceness, however,
are feelings of inadequacy and the need to get approval and validation from
others. Overly-nice people try to please so that they can feel good about
themselves. Genuinely kind people are
giving because it's in their nature to care, and since they have no ulterior
motives, they aren't concerned with whether or not other people like
them. Genuinely kind people are giving because it's in their nature
to care, and since they have no ulterior motives, they aren't concerned with
whether or not other people like t Kind people can be assertive and set good
limits. Nice people, on the other hand, bend over backward to be obliging. They
deal with potential conflicts by placating the other person because they can't
bear to have anyone upset with them. Kind people have good self-esteem and
because they love themselves as much as they care about others, they expect to
be treated with respect. Nice people are desperate for approval, so they're
often mistreated or taken advantage of. Nice people tend to do too much
for those who don't deserve it and are easy prey for users. They get into
co-dependent relationships in which they care-take others in the hopes of
eventually being cared for themselves. This co-dependent interaction,
however, is a lose-lose for everyone involved. The nice person fails to get the
love and approval they seek, and the person on the receiving end never feels
like they're getting enough care. Instead of being grateful, they become
resentful toward the pleaser. Kind people take responsibility for their own
self-care. They're generous, even altruistic, but don't get caught up in a
user-pleaser type of relationship. The nice person is careful not to
offend anyone and wouldn't dream of expressing a "negative" emotion.
They focus on being good to others, to the detriment of their own needs. In
fact, they're afraid to ask for what they want for fear of creating
conflict. Nice people stuff down their feelings, not
wanting to be a bother to anyone, but the problem with this is that emotions
can't be kept down indefinitely. Feelings and needs are meant to be expressed
and when they're repressed, they find another outlet.
Being nice, then, has unforeseen consequences:
it's painful to seek affirmation but receive contempt. Always holding back
needs, feelings and opinions adds to their frustration. Ultimately, the
frustration grows into anger, but showing this anger is unacceptable to someone
so invested in always being pleasant. They're compelled to suppress any
"bad" feelings.
As the nice person continues to please everyone
and the anger simmers underneath the surface, the pressure builds up. At some
point emotions begin to leak, in the form of snarky comments, whining,
needling, sarcasm, passive-aggressive behavior or even outbursts of rage.
When a nice person leaks resentment it's usually met with surprise or with more
anger, which reinforces their belief that anger should never be expressed.
A vicious circle is created in which the nice
person pleases others, becomes resentful, represses and then leaks their anger
and then represses their feelings some more. As a result, I believe they'll
often get caught up in addictive behaviors which are meant to compensate for
their mounting frustration. I have found that nice people will often turn
to starchy, fatty or sugary "comfort foods" to help them to stuff
down their anger and soothe their hurt feelings. They'll sometimes abuse
alcohol or turn to tranquillizers to anaesthetize their pain. Some will go on
spending sprees, trying to buy themselves happiness. The nice person is
overly-invested in the emotional pay-off they're hoping to achieve by pleasing
and taking care of others. They're also unwilling to face how much hurt or
anger they're carrying. They're resistant to changing their behavior, despite
the consequences of their compensatory addictions.
Kind people are happy people to begin with, and
add to their happiness through acts of generosity and altruism. Nice people are
needy people who inadvertently create more and more unhappiness for
themselves. The nice person has to understand that their self-worth can
never be improved by being a pleaser. They must learn how to validate
themselves independently of others, and let go of the co-dependent
relationships which foster mutual animosity. When the overly-nice person
can let go of the urge to please, they'll be able to identify their real needs
and feelings and begin to take proper care of themselves. They can find
happiness in pursuing meaningful activities and relationships instead of giving
too much, becoming resentful and developing nasty addictions along the way.
What if there was a study dedicated to
unearthing the secrets to a happy and purpose.
We may not be able to live forever, but we can
live well.
What if there was a study dedicated to
unearthing the secrets to a happy and purposeful life?
It would have to be conducted over the course of
many decades, following the lives of real people from childhood until old age,
in order to see how they changed and what they learned. And it would probably
be too ambitious for anyone to actually undertake. Only, a group of
Harvard researchers did undertake it, producing a comprehensive,
flesh-and-blood picture of some of life’s fundamental questions: how we grow
and change, what we value as time goes on, and what is likely to make us happy
and fulfilled.
The study, known as the Harvard Grant Study, has
some limitations — it didn’t include women, for starters. Still, it provides an
unrivaled glimpse into a subset of humanity, following 268 male Harvard
undergraduates from the classes of 1938-1940 (now well into their 90s) for 75
years, collecting data on various aspects of their lives at regular intervals.
And the conclusions are universal. We spoke to George Vaillant, the
Harvard psychiatrist who directed the study from 1972 to 2004 and wrote a book about it, in order to revisit the
study’s findings. Below, five lessons from the Grant Study to apply to
your own pursuit of a happier and more meaningful life.
Love Is Really All That
Matters
It may seem obvious, but that
doesn’t make it any less true: Love is key to a happy and fulfilling life. As
Vaillant puts it, there are two pillars of happiness. “One is love,” he writes.
“The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”
Vaillant has said that the study’s most important
finding is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships. A man
could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without
supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn’t be happy (“Happiness is only the
cart; love is the horse.”).
It’s About More than Money and Power
The Grant Study’s findings echoed those of other
studies — that acquiring more money and power doesn’t correlate to greater
happiness. That’s not to say money or traditional career successes don’t
matter. But they’re small parts of a much larger picture — and while they may
loom large for us in the moment; they diminish in importance when viewed in the
context of a full life.
“We found that contentment in the late 70s was
not even suggestively associated with parental social class or even the man’s
own income,” says Vaillant. “In terms of achievement, the only thing that
matters is that you be content at your work.”
Regardless of How We Begin Life, We Can All
Become Happier
A man named Godfrey Minot Camille went into the
Grant study with fairly bleak prospects for life satisfaction: He had the
lowest rating for future stability of all the subjects and he had previously
attempted suicide. But at the end of his life, he was one of the happiest. Why?
As Vaillant explains, “He spent his life searching for love.”
Connection Is Crucial
“Joy is connection,” Vaillant says. “The more
areas in your life you can make connection, the better.”
The study found strong relationships to be far
and away the strongest predictor of life satisfaction. And in terms of career
satisfaction, too, feeling connected to one’s work was far more important than
making money or achieving traditional success.
“The conclusion of the study, not in a medical
but in a psychological sense, is that connection is the whole shooting match,”
says Vaillant.
As life goes on, connections become even more
important. The Grant Study provides strong support for the growing body of
research that has linked social ties with longevity, lower stress levels and improved overall
well-being.
Challenges –- and the Perspective They Give You
— Can Make You Happier
The journey from immaturity to maturity, says
Vaillant, is a sort of movement from narcissism to connection, and a big part
of this shift has to do with the way we deal with challenges.
Coping mechanisms — “the capacity to make gold
out of shit,” as Vaillant puts it — have a significant effect on social support
and overall well-being. The secret is replacing narcissism, a single-minded
focus on one’s own emotional oscillations and perceived problems, with mature
coping defenses, Vaillant explains, citing Mother Teresa and Beethoven as
examples.
“Mother Teresa had a perfectly terrible
childhood, and her inner spiritual life was very painful,” says Vaillant. “But
she had a highly successful life by caring about other people.
Creative expression is another way to
productively deal with challenges and achieve meaning and well-being.
“The secret of Beethoven being able to cope with
misery through his art was when he wrote ‘Ode to Joy,’” says Vaillant.
“Beethoven was able to make connection with his music.”
_____________________
Close relationships, more than money or fame,
are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those
ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical
decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class,
IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the
Harvard men and the inner-city participants.
The long-term research has received funding from
private foundations, but has been financed largely by grants from the National
Institutes of Health, first through the National Institute of Mental Health,
and more recently through the National Institute on Aging.
Researchers who have pored through data, including vast medical
records and hundreds of in-person interviews and questionnaires, found a strong
correlation between men’s flourishing lives and their relationships with
family, friends, and community. Several studies found that people’s level of
satisfaction with their relationships at age 50 was a better predictor of
physical health than their cholesterol levels were.
“When we gathered together everything we knew about
them about at age 50, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that
predicted how they were going to grow old,” said Waldinger in a popular TED Talk. “It was how satisfied they were in
their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their
relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”
He recorded his TED talk, titled “What Makes a
Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness,” in 2015, and it has
been viewed 13,000,000 times.
The researchers also found that marital
satisfaction has a protective effect on people’s mental health. Part of a study found that people who had happy
marriages in their 80s reported that their moods didn’t suffer even on the days
when they had more physical pain. Those who had unhappy marriages felt both
more emotional and physical pain.
Those who kept warm relationships got to live
longer and happier, said Waldinger, and the loners often died earlier.
“Loneliness kills,” he said. “It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”
According to the study, those who lived longer
and enjoyed sound health avoided smoking and alcohol in excess. Researchers
also found that those with strong social support experienced less mental
deterioration as they aged.
In part of a recent study, researchers found that women who felt
securely attached to their partners were less depressed and more happy in their
relationships two-and-a-half years later, and also had better memory functions
than those with frequent marital conflicts.
“Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or
alcoholism.” — Robert Waldinger
“Good relationships don’t just protect our
bodies; they protect our brains,” said Waldinger in his TED talk. “And those
good relationships, they don’t have to be smooth all the time. Some of our
octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as
long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got
tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memories.”
Since aging starts at birth, people should start
taking care of themselves at every stage of life, the researchers say.
“Aging is a continuous process,” Waldinger said.
“You can see how people can start to differ in their health trajectory in their
30s, so that by taking good care of yourself early in life you can set yourself
on a better course for aging. The best advice I can give is ‘Take care of your body
as though you were going to need it for 100 years,’ because you might.”
The study, like its remaining original subjects,
has had a long life, spanning four directors, whose tenures reflected their
medical interests and views of the time.
Under the first director, Clark Heath, who
stayed from 1938 until 1954, the study mirrored the era’s dominant view of
genetics and biological determinism. Early researchers believed that physical
constitution, intellectual ability, and personality traits determined adult
development. They made detailed anthropometric measurements of skulls, brow
bridges, and moles, wrote in-depth notes on the functioning of major organs,
examined brain activity through electroencephalograms, and even analyzed the
men’s handwriting.
Now, researchers draw men’s blood for DNA
testing and put them into MRI scanners to examine organs and tissues in their
bodies, procedures that would have sounded like science fiction back in 1938.
In that sense, the study itself represents a history of the changes that life
brings.
Psychiatrist George Vaillant, who joined the
team as a researcher in 1966, led the study from 1972 until 2004. Trained as a
psychoanalyst, Vaillant emphasized the role of relationships, and came to
recognize the crucial role they played in people living long and pleasant
lives.
“When the study began, nobody cared about
empathy or attachment. But the key to healthy aging is relationships,
relationships, relationships.” — George Vaillant
In a book called “Aging Well,” Vaillant wrote that
six factors predicted healthy aging for the Harvard men: physical activity,
absence of alcohol abuse and smoking, having mature mechanisms to cope with
life’s ups and downs, and enjoying both a healthy weight and a stable marriage.
For the inner-city men, education was an additional factor. “The more education
the inner city men obtained,” wrote Vaillant, “the more likely they were to
stop smoking, eat sensibly, and use alcohol in moderation.”
Vaillant’s research highlighted the role of
these protective factors in healthy aging. The more factors the subjects had in
place, the better the odds they had for longer, happier lives.
“When the study began, nobody cared about
empathy or attachment,” said Vaillant. “But the key to healthy aging is
relationships, relationships, relationships.”
The study showed that the role of genetics and
long-lived ancestors proved less important to longevity than the level of
satisfaction with relationships in midlife, now recognized as a good predictor
of healthy aging. The research also debunked the idea that people’s
personalities “set like plaster” by age 30 and cannot be changed.
“Those who were clearly train wrecks when they
were in their 20s or 25s turned out to be wonderful octogenarians,” he said.
“On the other hand, alcoholism and major depression could take people who
started life as stars and leave them at the end of their lives as train
wrecks.”
“We’re trying to see how people manage stress,
whether their bodies are in a sort of chronic ‘fight or flight’ mode,”
Waldinger said. “We want to find out how it is that a difficult childhood
reaches across decades to break down the body in middle age and later.”The
study’s fourth director, Waldinger has expanded research to the wives and
children of the original men. That is the second-generation study, and
Waldinger hopes to expand it into the third and fourth generations. “It will
probably never be replicated,” he said of the lengthy research, adding that
there is yet more to learn.
Lara Tang ’18, a human and evolutionary biology
concentrator who recently joined the team as a research assistant, relishes the
opportunity to help find some of those answers. She joined the effort after
coming across Waldinger’s TED talk in one of her classes.
“That motivated me to do more research on adult
development,” said Tang. “I want to see how childhood experiences affect
developments of physical health, mental health, and happiness later in life.”
Asked what lessons he has learned from the
study, Waldinger, who is a Zen priest, said he practices meditation daily and
invests time and energy in his relationships, more than before.
“It’s easy to get isolated, to get caught up in
work and not remembering, ‘Oh, I haven’t seen these friends in a long time,’ ”
Waldinger said. “So I try to pay more attention to my relationships than I used
to.”
1) Relationships are the most
important thing
There is a single question that
best predicts whether you'll be alive at age 80:
"Is there someone in your
life whom you would feel comfortable phoning at four in the morning to tell
your troubles to?"
2) Be a good person
It wasn't getting help from others
that conferred a long life. It was giving help.
3) Get your act together
Was there a personality trait that
was tied to a long, healthy life? Yes. Conscientiousness.
4) Stress isn't always a bad thing
Don't avoid all stress. You need some stress. Research shows those who
work the hardest live the longest:
5) Want to live a long time? Make
yourself happy.
We associate health with having to
do things that make us unhappy: don't eat that, go jogging, etc.
The research shows a fascinating
link between what it takes to live a long life and what it takes to have a
happy life.
For example, those trying to
improve their happiness are advised to do the following things:
1. Watch less TV
2. Improve social relations —
spend time with friends
3. Increase levels of physical
activity — go for a long walk
4. Help others and express
gratitude to those who have helped you
5. Take on new challenges to
remain fresh and in-the-moment
